Family Doctor

So for the first time since childhood, I have a family doctor.  My wife has been going to her for a few years and I had never met her. 

The doctor, I mean.  Im quite familiar with my wife.

Anyway, a while back I was entrusted with the responsibility of bringing my daughter to an appointment.  Okay whatever.

So Im sitting in the examination room when in walks my daughters doctor.

A little bit of background first.

Besides having a weird nun fetish,  I am especially partial to women of middle eastern descent.

Something about the long dark hair, mysterious dark eyes- I dont know.  Has NOTHING to do with subservience. I swear.

So in walks Dr Feelgood. (Name changed to protect my ass).

Long dark hair tied in in a professional style, large deep brown almost-black eyes, and this sweet deceptively youthful looking face in a perpetual smile.

She was also wearing a comfortable loose top which I can only assume was an attempt to hide a genetic condition of hers.  I believe the proper medical term is 'Ginormous Rack'.  I'll be getting back to this.  It has some bearing on my story.

So at that point I realized instantly I would try to book a new patient exam.

Now, another thing about myself, unlike most people born with the standard angel/devil conscience format, I have a neurological condition where instead of the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, arguing for my soul is a logical miniature Leonard Nemoy versus a diabolical 7 foot tall William Shatner holding a phase cannon.

Wild Bill was screaming; "THINK...OF...THE...TESTICLE...EXAMS!!"

Leonard was pretty much drowned out by Captain Libido.

So yesterday Im sitting in the exam room, in she walks, the vision she was before and her face lights up; "Oh I remember you!  Youre Paiges daddy! Im so glad you decided to see me!"

Gulp.   7 foot Shatner is dancing the Watusi right now.  Pictures of weekly scrotal exams flash through my brain.

"What can I do for you?"

Leonard; "Don't mention testicles.  You'll seem too needy"

I tell her that I needed some meds to treat my migraines and asked her if there was anything that would curb my frequent desire to punch stupid people in the groin.

She flashes the smile and says 'certainly' but she should start by asking a few routine questions first.  This is where her genetic condition comes into play.

She apparently is trying to consciously maintain proper seated posture.  She will catch herself starting to slouch, then suddenly sit up straight, shoulders back, chest thrust out.

This I found incredibly distracting.  Seriously.  You have no idea.

I used every bit of self discipline to keep my eyes at eye level.

Shatner is yelling "SHES LOOKING AT THE PAPER! SNEAK A PEEK MAN!  YOU.. JUST.. GOT.. TO,.. MISTER!"

But I stood firm.

Well, I was sitting.  Which was good.  She couldnt tell how firm I was standing. 

Which, after the rescent vasectomy, was starting to get uncomfortable.

Wild Bill; "YEAH! PLAY THE VASECTOMY CARD!  GET HER TO CHECK THE STITCHES!!"

Me; "Yeah right!  How would I explain Mr Happy poking her in the eye?  Shut the fuck up!!"

So the rest of the questioning went on when Leonard decides to bring up a good point of the disadvantages of a hot doctor.

"Have you thought about possible future conditions? Things like embarrasing rashes?"

Good point.

"Boils in the crack of your ass?"

Oh, right.

"Inevitable prostate exams?"

Spocks right.  Am I going to feel comfortable having a beautiful woman stick her finger in my ass?

I mean, without a few drinks and maybe dinner and a movie?  I never thought of this.  Would I really feel more comfortable with some old male doctor busting my rectal cherry? Where the hell was Nimoy when I was booking the appointment?

Thinking more about it, there are definite advantages to the hot woman doctor which outweigh the disadvantages.

-More likely to go for regular checkups.

-Any problems with testicles will probably be quickly recognized and addressed from frequent examinations.

-Smaller fingers mean more comfortable prostate checks.

-Ginormous rack.

Im thinking Im gonna take my chances with Dr Feelgood. ( I think she Libyan or something.)

Besides the possible embarrassing appointments, and Im sure my blood pressure and pulse readings will be consistently too high (my resting heart rate is typically mid to high 50s, when she took my pulse it was 95.  I told her I ran to make my appointment).

So I have to book a follow up visit in 3-6 weeks.  See if the anti-groin punching medication is working.

Also Im a little concerned.  One nut is hanging a little lower than the other.  I should have it checked out- just to be on the safe side.

Anyway.  Portrait of a dog.  First one.  People happy.  Gave me money.  Me happy.