3 years.

I didn't want to blog today when everybody was on. It felt like it would cheapen the story I had just told.

Today was/would have been my third anniversary. Eight years together.  It fucking sucked. I spent all day fighting tears. I managed not to break down in front of anyone, but the boy caught me crying in the kitchen and he gave me a big hug.

Where do you draw the line on a relationship being over? The day you sign the papers? The day they are filed? The day the court says it's final? I still refer to myself as married. I still catch myself saying "wife". Bio mom- that was one that came about because the boy referred to the stepmom as Mom when people asked. He never called her Mom when I was around, but he did when it was just the two of them. I'm not adjusting very easily. It hurts too bad. I do okay most of the time, but today was a sheer test of will.

He is coming apart now. His schoolwork is slipping and today we had to start a new routine where the teacher sends all the homework for the week on Monday so we can make sure he gets it done. He had unfinished classwork in his bag and told me all of his work was done- he's back to hiding it. I think he was really trying in hopes that if he did, she would come back. I remember what it was like, it's all your fault. Even when you're told over and over, you think "If had just done this or that, they'll come back." It's a nightmare. I just keep telling him that we're going to be okay and we'll be stronger in the long run. Hopefully he'll start to believe it even when I wonder myself sometimes.

The cycle of pain has been broken and the healing has begun. We are talking quite a bit more, as long as no one gets their feelings hurt. But she told me that she wants to be friends for our sake and the boy's.

I don't want to be friends. I want to be a husband.

Ain't nothin' to a G.