This is only a test...

I wrote a good deal only to have the damn thing blank out when I went to post a picture.  Stupid popup blocker settings stupid thing.

I've come to realize it is only one more thing to test my patience.  My ability to cope right now.  The powers above are seeing if my fiber is strong enough for the strain.  If I let all the shit get to me, I am weak.  So I breathe and cover the hurdles one at a time.  Stupid popup blocker.  I am the cornerstone, I am the beginning.  I am the foundation for something beautiful, the strong base upon which upon a monument to strength, love and change will be built.  I am One. 

Stupid popup blocker.

So with all the crap going on, you all have been tremendous help.  I have other RL friends that are giving advice as well, and not all sunshine blown straight up my ass.  Real words of encouragement and possessing much wisdom from many sources.  I am grateful.

The boy came home with a nasty rash on his belly that had a bug bite right in the center of it.  He showed me Sunday night and when I checked it Monday night it looked bigger and I told hem we were going to the doctor Tuesday.  Spider bites are nothing to be taken lightly, so I was a little freaked out with it being so close to vital organs.  He was up and down all night, so I was doubly concerned on Tuesday morning when it looked even larger.  Time to go!

After a three hour wait (because they don't do walk-ins-snobs) we saw the doctor and she asked questions, took vitals and started her exam.  turns out the boy spent all day on a raft at Knott's Soak City water park and just aggravated a mosquito bite.  No worries, but I nearly cried with relief.  The boy just laughed at his crazy dad. 

Last night I told the wife that I can't hang on to hope knowing I'm paying for her new romance.  Time to split the phones and let me keep my sanity.  Much easier to be okay when I don't know about 50 text messages a day to her new courter.  She said she wants to make a decision, but she's feeling pressured and has had no time to think about it.  Time to back off.  Fine.  I can, and I will.  Just pay your own phone bil in the meantime.   I told her to call today.

I'm on my way to work this morning, feeling a little better about taking back some emotional control.  I even got five hours of sleep.  Then this chunk of steel comes flying across the freeway, smashes into the passenger side undercarriage and slams repeatedly while exiting from undeneath my Honda.  I couldn't go left or right for fear of smashing another car and some asshat was directly behind me, so I had to hit it.  As fast as it was spinning, I thought it might be rubber or something given that it was black and traveling pretty damn quick.  No, somebody else had knocked the shit out of it.  Boo! Roadhazards, boo!

I got myself to a safe spot and pulled over.  As I checked under the car, the drip from the tranny case started to run before becoming a torrent of fluid.  I watched as the lifeblood of my four door commuter ran onto the uncaring shoulder of the Los Angleles freeway system.  It was at this precise moment, standing in the morning sun that my wife decided to call to get the phones split out.  What's the matter?  I just killed my only reliable transportation, I warbled.  My heart was in my throat and my nerves were jangilng; tears were on the verge and I thought my chest was going to explode.  She attempted to make me feel beter, everything will be alright, it will work out, etc.  Sorry, but I don't want to hear that from you right now because it all rings out as a lie.  You'll have to excuse me as I need to put my head back on, it seems to have just exploded.  I couldn't breathe, I was on overload.  How do I get home?  I clicked into tactical stress mode: work the problem, put fire on the enemy and overcome the obstacle.  I just reset my braincase into "Go" mode.  No time for tears or sniveling.   I had to take a picture in case my boss called bullshit.

Looks like blood, my poor baby.  I just had the wife sign it over to me on Thursday.  Fuck.

I got it to a shop and got to work.  It was when I started working the problem that it came to me.  I've heard it for years, and I've been stressed before.  This time it was immaculate in it's appropriateness.  I'm not religious, I'm spiritual.  There are some things that transcend whatever you believe.  One of them stood out for me as I waited on hold and contemplated the future.

The Lord will never give you more than you can handle.

So I look at it as a test.  Will this make me crumble?  Will I stumble and fall?  Will be able to function?  Or is this the forge that heats the iron, forging steel from soft ore?

My answer is Yes, I can take the burden.  I am strong.  I can carry the load.  Just turn down the heat a little. 

Got a rental, got the insurance guys checking it out.  I'll get it figured out.  May be time for a new car anyway.  Face down the fear of a monthly note.

Ain't nothin' to a G.

Maybe I'll get a BMW.....