She read my blog...

And she's pissed and hurt.  My truth is not exactly the whole truth.  My truth is shaded to make me smarter, nicer, better-looking and more charming.  And to elicit sympathy.  I told her that I was sorry she was hurt, but this was my safe place where I could do it.  I have very few real life friends that I can tell much of this to.  The anonymity of the site has made it easier to get my catharsis on.  And I hurt her with it.

I told her the other day that I had extolled her virtues in the blog in the past.  She was looking for those, but they are buried under four months of anger and hurt filled tirades.  I have gone through and emailed her some of the posts I wrote about her in the past where I did just that.  I still love her, I'm just really hurt.  I love her more than I love myself.  That scares the shit out of me. 

To clear the boards, I was not a good husband.  I was selfish and lazy.  I was rude and cranky.  I ruined a great friendship that I regret to this second.  I ran her off.

I started making changes before she left, but it was too little, too late.  She had to go to save herself from madness.  I have continued to make changes for myself and the boy, with the fervent hope that she will recognize them for the truth they are.  I am Changed.  I am changing.  I am beginning to look into the reasons for my anger and fear.  I will be a better dad and hopefully a better husband.

She raised my son as her own.  We didn't have kids because we didn't feel like we could afford them.  I was a terrible drunk.  I have anger issues that I refused to address.  I had past hang-ups that I threw onto her.  I had love that I never knew existed and I sqandered it.  I treated her like every female in my life that I was wronged by, and for no good reason.  I emotionally abused her.  I had to be asked numerous times to simple household tasks.  I did not care for my son as I should have.  I brought my anger at my job and financial situation home to infect the house with my black cloud.  I was a fool.

She taught me to be a parent.  She taught me that kindness was not weakness.  She always cared for me and the boy first, seldom placing herself before us.  She always spoke kindly to me, even when I was a dick.  She thought that she could teach me by example, but seemed to forget that I am stupid.  She put her life on hold for us.  She was my best friend. 

She left to save herself from me.  It broke her heart to leave the boy.  She still wants to be part of his life.  She was; is his good mom.

She told me in an email that she is grateful for those who put in honest, unbiased comments and advice.  The others obviously trying to make me feel better at whatever cost, not so happy.  I take that which makes sense or strikes a chord and the rest are just letters on a screen.  I don't take the shit talking seriously. 

Earlier today I wrote that she called to split the phones while I was on the side of the road.  That was not true.  She had called to see if I was okay.  I had texted her to tell her I killed the car after sending half a text about what time would be good to make the split and hit the car-killer.  I had it all written out correctly and the blog died.  Rather than re-create the whole damn thing, I crunched it and made it quick and dirty.  I DID tell her that calling her when I need to talk hadn't been working out lately because most of what I need to talk about revolves around the two of us.  I am tenacious and driven when I want something.  It doesn't work in this situation.

My truth is not always the whole truth.  I embellish and shade.  See the first paragraph.  Sorry for my dishonesty. 

I don't think I'll blog for a while.  I'm tired of hurting everyone.