Spooooooooooooookane!

I'm in Spokane, Washington.  Actually east, as far east as you can get in Washington and it still be Washington.  I missed turn earlier today and was in Idaho for a few minutes! 

The first impression I had of the town was the surly mean old lady I had to sit next to on the little prop job that waddled us in here.  She didn't say two words to me the entire flight and had this "You damn kids get off my lawn!" look on her face.  Normally I welcome the quiet people, no need to be overly chatty.  You're stuck for a couple of hours with this total stranger and when are you going to see them again?  99.99% of the time, never.  This lady however, was the crankiest old broad I've run across in a long time.  She was one of the first on the plane- I watched her go up early and board, knowing that she wouldn't be denied because of her age.  She couldn't be more than 70, and was quite mobile getting on the plane.  No limp, no crutch, nothing obvious to the eye to make one think she was infirm. 

My section gets called and I board the little bird.  Guess who I'm next to?  I'm very polite, letting her know that I have the window seat next to her.  She cuts me a glare that would scare the pants off my son.  She grumbles and uncatches her seatbelt, literally THROWING the thing to clack on the outside seat frame and rebound back over to my seat!  I just let it slide, putting my things in the seat pouch and begin to move the seatbelts out of the way and begin to move her seatbelt as well.  Grandma Grumpypants hunches over and throws her SHOULDER into the meaty portion of my butt cheek!  I weigh roughly 180 pounds and I'm not that easy to move, but this old bird nearly put my head in the window!   This woman was not in duress, was standing fine when she got up to let me in.  I watched her move out of the row with a bit of concern that she didn't crater from old lady hip dysplasia, or whatever may have put her in the mood of entitlement.  She was not decrepit- when she chucked that seatbelt, she bounced out of that seat with some serious vigor and indignation.  I'm damn certain that she was just being pissy.  I let it slide.

We sit down and she then throws an elbow in my ribs.  There is no armrest down, therefore no impediment to my tender cage as I reach for my iPod.  She was scratching for part of her damn seatbelt.  No apology, no remorse, just relentless bitchiness.  Now, I'm the kind of guy who'll give the old bird the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe she hasn't been laid in thirty years.  Maybe she just got laid after thirty years, maybe she hates flying, maybe she's got a pickle stuck in her ass?   Who knows?  Let it slide....

I don't like the endless chatter you get into with some people, but I've never advocated outright hostility.  This morning, I wanted to elbow the old biddy in the nose.  But conventional wisdom says that if I clobber the dried up old bitch, I get in trouble.  No love for the persecuted, I tell ya.  I couldn't let it slide when she finally grabs the armrest and brings it down on my elbow.  What, pray tell. did I do?

My wife made me queso dip with chili last night.  I paid this old broad back back letting go of a looooooooong seat rumbler that sounded like impending doom.  It sounded like it was going to smell like the mouth of hell.  And I hoped it would. 

I'll go to lengths to NOT fart on an airplane, I think it is absolutely disgusting.  It's a closed system, you're gonna smell it for a long time.  I'm just not that mean spirited.  Most of the time.  This cranky bitch gets the full fury of my bowels.  Everyone else is acceptable collateral damage.  Sorry if you were there.  She doomed everyone on that plane.

I farted that entire flight.  Must have been 5 or 6 good ones.  After getting settled in and rubbing the owie out of my elbow and cutting my retaliatory blast I dig out my iPod.  I find my heavy metal playlist, aptly named Killin' music and crank the volume to a level I know she can hear it.  And in the "most annoying row mate" handbook it says to hum almost inaudibly during the entire flight.  I'm betting money she's not a Slayer, Soulfly or Pantera fan.

Her flight soundtrack went something like this:

"Mmmmuuuuhhhmmmmuuuuhhnanananuuu.....uuuuurkBRAAAAAP"

"NNuuuuuuummmamaaaabumbumbubmedimbrrum.....uuuuuuurmmBLOOOOORT"

WAWAWAaaaaaatunkaderdrrrrrbummmmhhhhhhmmWAR FOR TERRITORRRRRRYYYY ...huhnnnBOOOOORNNGdweep"

She got off the plane humming Mastodon's Pendulous Skin and rubbing her eyes.  :lol: :lol:

Life lesson #4:  Be considerate of your seatmate on small aircraft.  It might be me with a GI tract full of decomposing lactose by products and beef. :)

Oh- and I'll be meeting with the owner of the rocketshop on Friday.  Wish me luck!