Zero Tolerance for Stupid.

• In security at the airport, take off your shoes. Don’t argue.
• Eyedrops are liquid, put them in the fucking baggie.
• Lipgloss is not a weapon. 
• Cell phones are a tool of terror in the right hands.
• Deodorant is very cool. 
• Clean cabs and cabbies are a blessing. Get their number and use them often.
• Respectful TSA agents are a myth.
• Empowered Black female TSA agents are not to be argued with; they will fuck you up.
• Coffee to go includes free coffee breath. Carry a fucking mint.
• Screaming children have a problem. If it’s yours, help the poor kid or buy some Benadryl.
• Ordering a Bloody Mary in First Class does not make you cool. 
• Don’t ever pinch the ass of a Flight Attendant. He’ll probably slap you.
• Sport coats are for suckers.
• No English speaking counter agents are ever interested in helping you.
• Airport cops are bored and looking to fuck your day up.
• People who try and sneak peeks at what you are typing are cocksuckers. Yes, I’m typing about you, asshole.
• My iPod is cooler than you, so I listen to it instead of you. So shut up when you see my headphones.
• If you open your mouth to me, please let it be pertinent. In 5 minutes, I can tell you your firstborn’s name, where you live, what you do, if your husband is happy and whether or not you are on Zoloft. Do me a favor and shut up. I don’t care.
• This may be exciting to you, but this is a fucking weekly cattle car trip to a place I don’t want to be right now. Shut up.
• There is a good reason I have beef and fiber before getting on a plane on the following morning, don’t make me show you. Shut up.
• Because you fly a lot more than I do, don’t think it means you are entitled to be an asshole to me. I don’t care if you get on the plane before the kids and the infirm. If you spill your drink on my leg as I pass through, you are in very real danger of being struck.
• I probably make more money than you, so don’t assume I’m a poor idiot in the back of the plane. 
• You can pop an eyeball with a coffee straw.

Have a great day!