How to Write a Good Bad Blog

There are a couple of different approaches to writing a blog. You could write a blog with a theme, like stuff about video games, or movies. Or you could write a blog with reviews about stuff. Or one that links to other articles that you like. Or you could write the kind that no one else likes to read: the moody, self-absorbed, pretentious kind. In other words, a Good Bad Blog (GBB). Those are the ones I like best!

 

First, you need to talk about death a lot. Darkness, ravens, skulls, crap like that. That’s pretty cool. Everybody likes to read your deep thoughts about death, where you try to channel your inner Edgar Allen Poe, and bemoan the fact that you are still living. For bonus points, you should include bad poetry. GBB’s thrive on awful poetry.

 

Once you’ve run out of material on death, you need to start writing a bunch of stuff about how sorry you feel for yourself. This is generally very easy to do, as pretty much all of us has had something bad happen to us at some point. The important thing is to remain negative. Whatever you do, never, ever, EVER get over it!

 

Maybe as a child, a bully stole your lunch money. Or your parents never loved you. Or your dog bit you. The more inane the topic, the more you should dwell on it. The best GBB’s devote multiple blog posts to all the unresolved pain in their lives. Yours should be no exception.

 

Cussing. That’s an important feature of any GBB. A well-crafted GBB will incorporate many cuss words. Some might say that this could make your writing appear a bit uncouth if not amateur. Poppycock! By all means, you should strive to incorporate the words “Shit”, “Fuck”, and “Goddamn” into every post at least once. I mean, the best of the best fuckers could even fit all that goddamn shit into one sentence!

 

Photos. Make sure that your blog incorporates a photo of you. After all, your blog is completely about you, right? So it needs your picture, to lend it some authenticity. If you’re a female writer, know up front that your male readers are mainly just interested in seeing your boobs. (Ditto for male writers.) But unless you want your blog to be NSFW (and really, who doesn’t?), your readers will have to settle for some cleavage and/or a mug shot. For some reason, many female writers forget about the cleavage and just go for the mug shot. Sigh. Oh well.

 

In crafting your photo for a GBB, it is important to make the shot as moody as possible. You shouldn’t be looking straight at the camera and you sure as hell shouldn’t be smiling. Some goth makeup is usually appropriate. In any event, there are several routes you can take. One method is to appear to be gazing at something in the distance, as if lost in thought. This can go a long way toward making you seem more intelligent than you really are, which is an important consideration in crafting your GBB.

 

Another good photo method is to take a picture of yourself standing in front of a mirror. Not only does this make you look pathetic, but it also makes you look lonely. Both are an essential part of GBB-ism.

 

Still another – and by far the most effective – GBB photo method is to take a picture of your face that doesn’t really show your face. Maybe just show part of your forehead or the lower part of your mouth or chin. This shows people how insecure you are about your physical appearance, which makes them deduce that you are either ugly as hell, overly modest, or don’t know how to use a camera. But if you play it just right, it might end up making you look like a DEEP and COMPLICATED person. And that’s what a true GBB is all about.

 

To keep your GBB going, you’ll need to keep making up posts. Make sure the well of depression doesn’t run dry. How? By repeatedly focusing on how much no one loves you. Your boss told you you suck (if you even have a job), no one remembered your birthday, the mail lady brought your mail late that day because she hates you, etc. If someone tells you in the comments section that no, you are loved, and please stop feeling so down, argue with them vehemently! Or just whine more. That works too. And speaking of comments…

 

You should watch the comments section anxiously at all times. Check it every hour at the minimum. (And don’t forget to check the counter on how many times your page has been read, while you’re at it.) Know that the best GBB’s only get 1 or 2 comments, maximum. So as soon as you get one, you need to respond now. Don’t wait! Comments in blogs are extremely urgent things. You have to attend to it NOW. Especially if the person said something that you disagree with. In this event, you need to agonize over your blog. Respond to their argument. Defend your right to be miserable! Then hit “page refresh” over and over until you see their answer. If they don’t answer, then congratulations! You won. But you’ll have to keep checking back from now on to be sure.

 

Should you ever start to feel a little bit better about yourself and your situation, it’s better to stay off the blog. GBB’s and positivity don’t go together real well. And by introducing something people might actually want to read into the mix, you run the risk of attracting more readers. That’s probably something you don’t want, lest your blog lose its GBB status.

 

Happy blogging everyone! Let’s keep those sad thoughts flowing, shall we?

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