What the heck? A tattoo diatribe

Today we just got back from a family mini-vacation at Wolf's Lodge. And after observing the very many half-naked bodies all around me, something started to annoy me.

What is with all the freakin' tattoos?

I mean, seems like every other person there had a tattoo. Why is it suddenly so cool for everyone and their brother to get a tattoo these days? I remember when I was growing up, the only people with tattoos were ex-cons, bikers, or pirates. (And having known many pirates, I can attest to that.) The term "tramp stamp" didn't even exist. But now, even your grandma has a tattoo! What the hell???

I guess I'm just not enough of an individualist. The only mark on my body is a gray spot on my leg where a classmate once stabbed me with a pencil. (Jody, you bastard! That's right, I'm talking about you.) But now even my dad's covered in tats. Yeah, he went when he was about 50 and started getting them. Now all of his brown, wrinkly, old-man arms are covered in green tattoos. Including stuff in Vietnamese around his war wounds, and his various girlfriend's name in cursive.

And that's another thing - cursive. I saw one girl at Cedar Point last week with some scripture on her back in cursive. And another today had some motto about "living as if you will die tomorrow", or some other such shit. Others get a bunch of random Chinese junk put on. Thinks it looks cool I guess - but how can they be sure the tattoo artist isn't fucking them over? What if the letters actually say "I'm a loser and I suck", just in Chinese?

Sometimes I think about what it's going to be like when this generation starts checking into the Nursing homes 50 years from now. How many grannies are gonna have someone wiping their tramp-stamped ass? Will it still feel so cool then? At least you can cut a mullet.

I'm a weird guy, I guess. I haven't gotten a tattoo yet. It's the socially acceptable way to not conform. I am so not "with it".

Sometimes I think to myself, "Hey, all the cool kids are getting tattoos these days. I'd better do it too!" But then what would I put on there? An animal? Been done. A slogan? Lame. Anyways, assuming I could settle on "the one", then where would I put it? My upper arm? Too predictable. My back? Ouch. My butt? Gay. Well, maybe a little heart on my ass... no, nevermind. Wait! I've got it! What if I got "F.U." tattooed on my forehead? That would be pretty cool, huh? Eh, maybe not...

You see, there's just so many hard decisions to make here. And I have to make the right one. I'll be stuck with it all my life! What to do?

Whatever I pick, I better get one soon. I'm not getting any younger. And I want my kids to grow up proud of their dad. I want them to stand up in class and tell their teacher, "My dad's got a tattoo and it is fuckin' awesome!" (Or something to that effect.)

Do you guys have any suggestions? Whatever it is, it's gotta make me seem like a real baddass. It's gotta make me seem to be far cooler than I actually am. Then when people are amazed and want to be like me, I can just play along and nod. "Yeah, it's the tattoo. Get's 'em every time." I would say that in a deep voice too, since that also sounds cool. I'd also like to have a cigarrette dangling out of my mouth at the same time too, since that automatically makes you like 28.7% cooler, but smoking hurts my throat. Maybe I could go with a nice pair of shades.

So what do I do? Help me out, folks. I'm dying here!