Why I Hate Facebook

Is it America's favorite social networking site? Maybe. But is it mine? Hell, no! The following are all the reasons why I think Facebook SUCKS. If you like it, then I suggest you stop reading now. Are you gone yet? No? Then don't say I didn't warn ya! And by all means, feel free to flame me in the comments section.

1. The very term "Social Networking". This is minor I guess. But I really hate that term. For something that is supposed to make us more social, Facebook sure does a heck of a job encouraging the opposite (more on this below).

2. Waste of Time. Pretty much goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway. We already have 10 million ways to blow time on the internet. What with youtube, message boards, and blogs (yeah, I know. I'm a hypocrite - but I'm making a point here, damn it!). All of those are bad enough. And now we have to login to something else and let everyone know our "status".

3. Stupid Apps. No, I don't want all the junk you are trying to get me to put on my computer. I'm perfectly fine with having a different home page, thank you. And I don't need you pulling a friends list from every device in my entire household, including my futuristic electronic toilet (the iPot). Thanks.

4. Stupid Games. Farmville. Mafia Wars. Vampire-something-or-other... Does anyone actually play this shit? If I play a video game, I want to play something GOOD, like Halo! I have never played Farmville. Nor would I ever want to.

5. Stupid Invites. Take the Top 5 quiz! How much do you REALLY know about your friends? Enough, already! Quit bombarding me with this trash. I DO NOT CARE.

6. Stupid Notifications. So-and-so has sent you a Long Island Iced tea! You've been poked! Etc. What the hell does that even mean? I don't know! I don't know what any of this stuff means, because its so annoying, I just ignore it.

7. Stupid Ads. Can I REALLY earn a degree in video gaming? I mean, I know I said I like video games in my profile, but seriously? Just go away, ads. Thou shalt never make any money off of me!

8. Stupid People I don't like... Maybe they were friends in high school. But the more you read about them, the more you realize that there was a reason you grew apart from them over the years. Or maybe they were never friends to begin with, and just send you invites for who knows what reason.

9. ...Saying Stupid Stuff I don't like. If there's anything I've noticed about the internet, it's how dumb as a whole the human race is. You don't have to look far to read the most ridiculous, insipid comments. Why they even bothered to write, I don't know. And Facebook encapsulates this perfectly. No where else can someone try to sound so profound, yet come across as such an idiot. (Okay, maybe Yahoo Answers!) Some examples? "About to eat dinner. Mac and cheese - Yum!", or "Time to go to the movies. I hope they have popcorn.", or "Time to take a crap. Wish me luck!"

10. No "Don't Like" Button. Sure, there's a "Like" button. But what about when someone posts something that is just insane? Something so moronic that it's not even worth leaving a trollish comment for? I want to click "Hate This" or "You're An Idiot", and move on. But Facebook is too nice to let me do something like that. A weak example... A friend of mine posted a picture of Rush Limbaugh and his cat. Now you may like Rush. (I don't.) You may like cats. (So do I.) But in a picture with Rush, I just feel sorry for the cat - rich, entitled feline life be damned! Yet, I have no recourse but to ignore the picture, or click "Like". Huh?

11. Old Flames. Chances are, that old high school boyfriend you once knew didn't perish while trying to ride around Dead Man's curve. He's probably still alive and kicking. And has a big beer belly by now. And there's good odds that he's typed your name into Facebook, just "for the heck of it". And married guys, do you REALLY want to talk to that girl you once liked? Who you thought - just maybe - liked you too? Surely there's no harm, right? Yeah, right! You just keep on telling yourself that, partner! It'll be a nice thing to remember after your wife has kicked you out on the street, and you're eating beans out of cans, living out of your car.

12. Stalking. Hey, that person you remembered from high school? Say, he/she/it sure has grown hot over the years! Maybe they wouldn't mind if I say, nosed around in some of their personal photo albums? Just out of curiosity, that's all. No harm done. After all, isn't that what Facebook is for? And this goes hand in hand with...

13. Nosiness. Sure, everybody wants to see your picture. It's because they like you, right? Wrong! Everyone knows the real reason everyone wants to see those pics. It's so they can see how fat, bald, and wrinkly everyone else is now. And I too confess to this. There is a certain perverse pleasure derived from knowing that in high school I was fat and geeky, and now am skinny and awesome. (Actually, I've always been awesome.) Whereas the "cool kids" were skinny and good-looking, and now are fat and ugly. It feels good :) Sort of like a class reunion, only you don't have to heave your fat ass off the couch.

14. Too Many Girls. The way I recall it, my high school classmates were not 90% female. It was more like 50/50. Yet in the weird world of Facebook-land, 90% of the Friend Requests I get come from past females, most of which I hardly even knew. What's up with that? I assure you that this is NOT because I am super hot. (Though - come to think of it... Nah!) So what IS the reason then? I don't know the answer to this. I suspect it has something to do with my lack of knowledge concerning women in general. But I prefer to just blame Facebook.

15. No "Levels" of Friendship. In real life, the people in your life range the gamut from hostile stranger to casual acquaintance to very best friend. But not in Facebook. There, everyone is your "friend". You can't pick "sortofa friend but I don't like 'em all that much" as an option. They either ARE a friend or they are not. I wish I could pick, "She's my Grandma so let her see my pictures but don't let her read my dirty jokes", but that just aint' happenin' in Facebook, baby!

16. Coworker Invites. You're a coworker, okay? You're not a friend! Get that through your head, and we'll all get along a lot better. On the other hand, if you want to be my friend, you can pay me lots of money. Then I'll be your friend.

17. Family Invites. So you just got a friend invite from dear old Mother-in-Law. To accept, or not to accept? That is the question! Do you really want her to read all your online rants about your annoying in-laws? Or would you rather censor yourself, start cleaning up your act? It's that or have to face the inevitable "Did you get my invite?" question. Better start preparing your answer for that now! Lie FTW!

18. Superficiality. Nothing quite matches the true superficialness of Facebook conversations. The importance of what is said is rather like a bunch of birds sitting on a telephone wire, chirping at each other. There are no real discussions of life. No politics. No religion. No philosophy. You can't really say anything you want, or express serious disagreement with someone, because people might start thinking you're not so nice. Or worse, a flame war between rival factions may result. And there's not much room to write anyway, even if you wanted to do that. And besides, who would want to read all the crap you have to say? (What? You mean you're STILL reading this blog entry? Geez, get a life already!) You're best off just limiting your discussions to "What's for dinner?" or "How's it going?" or "I pooped my pants". Then you'll be okay.

19. Addictive. Why is it this way? I don't know. But it's sure not getting any better.

20. Facebook's Vengeful Nature. Have you noticed that if you haven't checked Facebook in a while, it punishes you for it? It makes you go through all kind of ridiculous security questions, including identifying people in photos (yeah, like I'm going to know who all my friend's friends are!). It just rakes you over the coals, as if to say, "Next time maybe you'll think twice about not logging in more often!" Well you know what, Facebook? Screw you! And bite me. Bite me, I say!

21. No Easy Way Out. Ever tried to erase your profile and quit Facebook? Well, I haven't. But from what I understand, the procedure is so rigorous, and such a general pain in the ass that there are entire websites dedicated to walking you through the process, step by step. In the end, after a certain waiting period - where at any time you will automatically reactivate your account merely by visiting the site - you have to actually CALL them to get your account erased! It's ridiculous. One friend told me an easy way to get cancelled though. Just set a close-up picture of a vagina as your profile picture. Bet you'll get yanked pretty quickly then!

22. You Will Be Assimilated. Facebook is malicious. It is an evil, dark force bent on World Domination. It never eats. It never sleeps. It waits. And it will not rest until it has conquered the entire world. Imagine the future, a world where everyone sits on their asses playing Farmville, and you need to send stupid status updates to your best "friend" - who've you've never met - living in Mumbai. Is this really what John Lennon meant when he imagined world peace?

23. Digital Rights. Who owns the pictures you post to Facebook? Well, they do! At least, according to them. So what happens when you delete your account then? Are your pictures deleted too? Maybe...

24. Minimizing Human Interaction. This is ironic, because Facebook is supposed to make us MORE connected, right? But in reality, it does the exact opposite. Now, instead of calling or even sending an email to tell me about his new truck, my friend just posts a picture on Facebook. Now if I'm checking facebook and I happen to see it, then I'm "in the know". Otherwise, oh well. This turns friendships downright lazy, and makes the words of a dear friend into just more random comments popping up next to an avatar. And the sheer number of "friends" gives a false illusion of friendship, too. Never have I felt more alone than when I was checking Facebook in an airport once. And then my neighbor - an actual human - spoke to me. I closed the computer, and we talked. Conversation? What a concept! Oh, the humanity...

And those are the reasons why I hate Facebook.

So yeah, maybe I'm not a very good Facebook friend. But I'm not as mean as I sound, though. Honestly! :)

(Sigh)

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go check my News Feed, then write on my Wall!