Million Dollar Ideas

Well, I came up with my 23rd Million Dollar Idea yesterday. I've gotta start writing these things down, because I can never remember them again until someone else makes the million a few years later and I'm left standing there with my jaw dropping and my blood pressure rising. Of course, writing my ideas down would require two things I rarely have on me - something to write with, and something to write on.

It's not as though I don't buy pens. I buy a lot of them. I actually really like pens and often buy unusual ones to keep on my desk. I also buy boxes of them and bring them home and place them in the left-hand junk drawer. Of course, that drawer is clearly the portal to some magical land composed entirely of pens, scotch tape, thumbtacks, nail clippers and matches, because I buy a whole lot of all of those, AND I NEVER HAVE ANY OF THEM!

"Honey, where's the scotch tape?"

"It's in the junk drawer."

No, I'm looking in there and it's not there.

"Look again. I just put it there not 10 minutes ago."

I AM looking again - it's not there.

"Open your eyes, it's right next to the matches."

OK. Now we got a whole 'nother problem."

I picture this world as one comprised of chain-smoking big toes who like to tack up hand-written notices about the big tape sale going on at their place.

But seriously, where do the pens go? I mean, I know they are disposable, but they are not designed as single use, so it would seem that a box of them could last more than a week, does it not? Not in my house. Perhaps they disappear to the same place that all of my "extra" money seems to go each week.

As I recall, we were talking about million dollar ideas (seriously - go back and look). Here's some of the ones I thought of long before they made someone else rich.

1. The Clapper: Mine would have been called the Whistler I suppose, because it was intended to turn on the lights with a quick whistle.
2. The Itty Bitty Book Light: I actually made this one, with a pen light, some pipe cleaners and a rubber band.
3. The Shop Vac: Technically, I didn't so much invent it as I did foresee it by using the vacuum's hose on the dishwater when I was five.
4. Retractable dog leash: Also built this one by using the Pocket Fisherman. Remember that thing?

I think there are some others, but those are the ones I remember really well. My wife and I play $2 on the Mega-millions twice a week because we have the IQ of kelp - I mean, because it's a harmless little distraction that lets us dream of what we would do if we won. Of course, what we THINK we'd do, and what we would ACTUALLY do are probably very different courses of action. Although I do imagine I really would buy a new car with $10's and $20's.

But, back to writing down million dollar ideas. Since I like to write, I have several times tried to carry around a small pocket notebook, on which I can capture those fantastic random thoughts that would help to forever enshrine me in the annals of great literature. But, I can never remember to tote them along for more than a day or two. And, even when I do remember to bring one along, it generally gets filled up with stuff like:

• Items my wife needs at the store that she keeps forgetting to get so if I could write it down in my little book then maybe she could remember the next time she is at the store.
• License plate numbers of the various drivers I will repay when I win the lottery and enough time has passed that it could never be traced back to me.
• Phone numbers for radio contests that I will never call.
• The name of that guy from that movie that my wife and I were trying to remember that finally came to me as I was driving (Anthony Quinn).
• The 74 passwords for my various systems at work (Ensure your password is no less than five and no greater than 12 characters in length. The first, fourth, ninth and last digits cannot be numerals. At least nine characters must be numerals. This password must not contain any string of more than 3 characters from your previous password. This password cannot contain any letters in your first or last name but may contain letters from your middle name. If the sum of line 32 is LESS THEN the sum of line 26a, the difference is the amount of your refund).
• A reminder to pick up some scotch tape.

So anyway, if you think of any million dollar ideas, give me a call. I'll write them down. As soon as I find a pen.