Ah yes, once again the tales of Timmy resurface to touch the hearts of many and confuse the minds of even more. After the first installment, I received quite a lot of hate mail from people who believed Timmy's story to be true. While I stated "Satire By 2old2play" at the bottom of the first article, many chose to believe Timmy was in fact a friend they new. One person even told me I was a liar and that their friend Timmy was still very much active in the Halo 2 world. Let’s just hope these fine folks see that light as we hope Timmy will in this next installment.....Enjoy
Lexington, NE – Timmy Smith, a 13 year-old former Halo 2 and Xbox Live smack-talk addict, was voluntarily admitted by his parents into Sunnyside Acres State Mental Facility in Lincoln on Tuesday.
Recent events in his video game behavior sent Smith reeling into a bout with self-discovery. In an effort to build his laughable social skills, Smith reported to football coach, Wes Leary, of the East Lexington High Knights.
“Let me just say that at 5 feet 7 inches and 115 pounds, Timmy ain’t the most intimidating being you ever met,” Leary said in a recent interview. “And when he talks, I thought I was talking to a girl that wanted to play ball. Not the most manly voice. Ah, who am I kiddin’, he was downright feminine. But the boy could talk some smack. Hell, it was worth having him on the team just to teach the other guys what a sailor sounded like. He had a worse mouth than any jockey I ever met. But I’ll be damned if I didn’t think of Alvin the chipmunk every time he opened his mouth.”
Smith’s two-day career on the spring training football squad was both colorful and painful. He tried out for several positions, the first of which was wide receiver.
Leary explained, “No matter what play Everrett called (he’s our offensive coordinator, ya understand), you could hear Timmy: ‘I call the ball! Give that [fecal matter] to me, son, and I’ll show you what a man can do with it.’ Whenever we didn’t opt to pass to Timmy, he’d come back grumbling about how he had ‘pwndizzled’ the defense, and he’d of had a touch down. He called the quarterback a ‘[slang for female dog]’, and even called Everrett a ‘newb’. He got to do a few extra up-downs after that particular practice.”
Frustrated, Smith begged the coaches to put him on defense. He told them that he knew he’d be the best linebacker that they had ever seen. Knowing otherwise, the coaches decided to just shut him up by giving him a shot at the position.
“It was the funniest thing I ever saw,” Leary said chuckling. “He thought he was so tough. I’ll never forget the image of Timmy laying in a trash-talking crumpled heap after Jamison Bertring (the Knights All-State starting running back) just ran him over. He was yellin’ at us between sobs. ‘You [slang for intercourse] cheaters! You ain’t nothing without your damn linemen. If my defensive line wasn’t a bunch of [buttocks]-licking circle-[slang for masterbation], I’d have beat your pansy [buttocks] down and put you in your place. Just like I did with your mom last night.’ But you gotta give him some credit. [Buttocks]-licking circle-[slang for masterbation]? That’s priceless.”
Smith’s expulsion from the school and the team was a result of what is now known as the “locker room incident.”
“Practice was over, and everyone was cleaning up to go home. Timmy got some wacky idea from somewhere. Must have had something to do with those video games I read about before he joined the team. He was getting ready for the shower, when he saw some guys sitting around, talking about the practice. Next thing you know, Timmy’s naked and running around, smacking these guys in the forehead with his [slang for testicles]. ‘Sacktacular!’ he yelled. All the guys just sat there in shock, and so did I. ‘Sack Frenzy! Sacktrocity! Sackamonjaro! Ya like a little [racial slur referring to white people] with your tea, [slang for female dogs]?’ The guys started to move. I tried to get out there, but I wasn’t fast enough. Don’t move as fast as I used to, and those kids are all faster than I am. Poor Timmy didn’t have a chance. That crazy bastard.”
After a necessary stay in the local hospital, Smith checked himself into Sunnyside Acres, with the blessing of his parents.
“We can only hope that time will heal his mind and mend the broken bones,” Linda Smith, Timmy’s mother, said. “I still blame those damn games. Gary and I are excellent parents, so it has to be those games that did this to my little angel. And don’t even get us started on those football players.”
Agonizing Gas
Recent events in his video game behavior sent Smith reeling into a bout with self-discovery. In an effort to build his laughable social skills, Smith reported to football coach, Wes Leary, of the East Lexington High Knights.
“Let me just say that at 5 feet 7 inches and 115 pounds, Timmy ain’t the most intimidating being you ever met,” Leary said in a recent interview. “And when he talks, I thought I was talking to a girl that wanted to play ball. Not the most manly voice. Ah, who am I kiddin’, he was downright feminine. But the boy could talk some smack. Hell, it was worth having him on the team just to teach the other guys what a sailor sounded like. He had a worse mouth than any jockey I ever met. But I’ll be damned if I didn’t think of Alvin the chipmunk every time he opened his mouth.”
Smith’s two-day career on the spring training football squad was both colorful and painful. He tried out for several positions, the first of which was wide receiver.
Leary explained, “No matter what play Everrett called (he’s our offensive coordinator, ya understand), you could hear Timmy: ‘I call the ball! Give that [fecal matter] to me, son, and I’ll show you what a man can do with it.’ Whenever we didn’t opt to pass to Timmy, he’d come back grumbling about how he had ‘pwndizzled’ the defense, and he’d of had a touch down. He called the quarterback a ‘[slang for female dog]’, and even called Everrett a ‘newb’. He got to do a few extra up-downs after that particular practice.”
Frustrated, Smith begged the coaches to put him on defense. He told them that he knew he’d be the best linebacker that they had ever seen. Knowing otherwise, the coaches decided to just shut him up by giving him a shot at the position.
“It was the funniest thing I ever saw,” Leary said chuckling. “He thought he was so tough. I’ll never forget the image of Timmy laying in a trash-talking crumpled heap after Jamison Bertring (the Knights All-State starting running back) just ran him over. He was yellin’ at us between sobs. ‘You [slang for intercourse] cheaters! You ain’t nothing without your damn linemen. If my defensive line wasn’t a bunch of [buttocks]-licking circle-[slang for masterbation], I’d have beat your pansy [buttocks] down and put you in your place. Just like I did with your mom last night.’ But you gotta give him some credit. [Buttocks]-licking circle-[slang for masterbation]? That’s priceless.”
Smith’s expulsion from the school and the team was a result of what is now known as the “locker room incident.”
“Practice was over, and everyone was cleaning up to go home. Timmy got some wacky idea from somewhere. Must have had something to do with those video games I read about before he joined the team. He was getting ready for the shower, when he saw some guys sitting around, talking about the practice. Next thing you know, Timmy’s naked and running around, smacking these guys in the forehead with his [slang for testicles]. ‘Sacktacular!’ he yelled. All the guys just sat there in shock, and so did I. ‘Sack Frenzy! Sacktrocity! Sackamonjaro! Ya like a little [racial slur referring to white people] with your tea, [slang for female dogs]?’ The guys started to move. I tried to get out there, but I wasn’t fast enough. Don’t move as fast as I used to, and those kids are all faster than I am. Poor Timmy didn’t have a chance. That crazy bastard.”
After a necessary stay in the local hospital, Smith checked himself into Sunnyside Acres, with the blessing of his parents.
“We can only hope that time will heal his mind and mend the broken bones,” Linda Smith, Timmy’s mother, said. “I still blame those damn games. Gary and I are excellent parents, so it has to be those games that did this to my little angel. And don’t even get us started on those football players.”
Agonizing Gas
