Yes, the awards. You knew there were going to be awards, did you not? What's that? Oh, yes, they're like achievements on Xbox Live, only for things you do in real life that actually matter.
Welcome back everyone to this week's addition of "Smarter Then You." While I know everyone has a lot of questions about the upcoming release of 2o2p V3, we need to shift gears slightly because it is that time of the year again! Just like we have every year since its inception and just like we will every year forever, it's time for us to round up the activities of the Chitown LAN and recognize those site members that made it special. We do want to do things a little bit differently so instead of shamelessly pumping up read statistics for old posts we have painstakingly polled the rank-and-file to make sure that these really are the people's results.
We also shamelessly stole people's pictures and are not giving them credit.
And the first Award of the Year...
Most-Time-Making-Sure-Everyone-Knows-I-Have-An-iPhone: The Winner Is Caesar! Caesar easily could have also won the coveted Most-Decorated-Award as well because he also won, Worst-Abuse-OTC-Stimulants-Open Division, tied for first with BC, Beldar and Team Canada for Most-Delusional, as well as, Biggest-Heart-As-Long-As-He-Wasn't-Getting-Stomped-In-Some-Esoteric-MLG-Warm-Up-Variant-Then-Sulking-For-Thirty-Minutes.
Worst-Effort-at-Estimating-Monitor-Usage: In a shocking upset (to some) the award goes to Doodirock. While many wanted to pin the debacle on Taxi, more informed LAN goers are well aware that he's not really Asian. Therefore his math estimates should carry no more weight than say, a girl. In addition to effectively killing all fun forever, Doodi also managed to manufacture plausible reasons for running more auctions, raffles, fund-raising drives and bikini car washes while producing no measurable results. Calls to "Media Crumb" to inform them of the award went largely unanswered until 9:00 AM Delhi time when a man with very broken English explained that hey had never heard of "Joel Albert."
Best-Person-At-Making-You-Feel-At-Home (As long as "home" for you included a largely absent father figure that only stopped ignoring you long enough to make palpable their very real sense that everything you did was not good enough and that without you their life would have been better): For a fifth consecutive year the winner is Drost- Despite some stiff competition from Dean, who is seen here in the T-shirt his wife made him wear to appear more approachable but who is contemplating what, exactly, those young people think they are doing.
Worst Upset: After spending most of 2009 and 2010 ordering "power band" upgrades for his Soloflex and taking delivery of HGH from a "guy that knew Lance Armstrong", Dixon Tufar had to suffer the indignity of being upstaged in the ridiculous muscular development category by Taxi's old friend from D-Block, Jay. Jay is seen here explaining to BC just how much more likely his survival will be on the "Great Day of Cleansing" when "hippie mistakes" are removed from the gene pool and the rightful order of meritocracy is reestablished for all time. I'm comfortable disclosing all of this because doodi promised me there would be no more LANs.
Best Clan Banner: Despite low entry turnout, competition in this category has never been tougher. Perennial favorite Profanity made a strong showing as did the artfully mounted newcomers 2old2shoot. Ultimately though it was the skillful use of improvised medium and chiaroscuro to define the negative space and encapsulate the gestalt of their clan that won the day for Digital Violence. Nice work boys. Way to represent!
Most Needy: It was not even close this year. It might have been desperate cries of help such as the inordinate amount of "bribing likker" he brought. It could have been the unholy amount of gear he packed, transported and spent hours unloading and setting up in a bid to make himself feel "important." However, ultimately it was this little act of rebellion that won Rau the prize. Truth be told, this chiropractic table that sat outside our conference room for three days was begging for it. We all thought about riding the pony but only Rau sacked up and did it. I'm completely jealous. That picture is a double scoop of sweet with awesome sauce on the side. Check it out again...
Most Improved Score: This year's winner has had previous comments from our confidential Post-LAN evaluations that have ranged from "kind of a cold fish," (DSmooth), to "stuck-up bitch," (Markus), to "who?" (Phreaks). This year, rocking awesome scores like "not so bad once you get to know her," and "smelled better this year," TDrag rocketed all the way to the top of the bottom third of popularity amongst the site's 16,000 members. Experts are projecting that the 2010 Fall Season could see her cracking the fiftieth percentile! Way to go Tara!
Why-The-LAN-is-Awesome-Award: Could have gone to this amazing entry of duct-tape-pwnage. It could also easily have been Emminnent who, in addition to taking the time to have an overly specific ironic t-shirt made to ridicule a clan mate, also remembered to pack a dress shirt so he could raid the open bar at one of Saturday's weddings. It could even have gone to whatever retarded juvenile brought a water balloon slingshot for late night shenanigans. Ultimately, though it's the little things. Here is one of those gags that will never happen over XBL.
Biggest Mooch: No surprises here either...As a veteran of six LANs and a skilled practitioner in the fine art of surviving on box cheese, untended beers and floor wings, BC "you going to eat that?" Kinetic wrapped up a second consecutive award in the mooching hall-of-fame. Seen here monopolizing someone else's rig to play a singleplayer game at a LAN Party (while a line of people wait for the money he owes them), BC also deserves the award for once again exposing this year's LAN Doormat, killthrash. After only eight minutes of wheedling killthrash secured his award by parting with several hundred dollars' worth gaming gear that his mom bought him for his birthday.
Saddest Table At The LAN: There was a time when WoW addicts proudly reigned at the LAN as the Uber geeks of a geekdom. This year though, as the sadly depleted ranks slogged their way for the three hundredth time through the same raid without speaking to one another we were all reminded of the glory that was Rome. The last three people on the planet playing WoW, who are not employed by a North Korean Gold Farming Collective, shuffled lifelessly through the weekend's events and recoiled sharply whenever exposed to natural light. Where are you when we need you Jack Kevorkian?
Most Surprised: Bubba. There is nothing like returning home and seeing irrefutable photographic evidence of your rapid descent in to old age and decrepitude to send you in to a shame spiral of comfort food, relentless masturbation and inconsolable weeping.
Finally, the Award you waited all year for, the Grand Daddy of them All!!
Attention Whore of the Year: As per usual there was no shortage of people to choose from this year. The perennial 2o2p "Susan Lucci" of attention whoredom TaxiSquad27 made his usual strong bid but may need to settle for a "sorry-we-never-got-to-you-lifetime-achievement-award." First time nominee MNvikesfan made a surprisingly strong challenge as well this year by breaking the seal for the hopelessly depraved alcoholics in attendance and ordering the first of many sport drinking props. Ironically though it was the Farvre-esque performance by the queen of drama at 2o2p that would overshadow MNvikesfan's inaugural effort. With his on-again-off-again-aw-shucks-toe-dragging-attendance plans, fashionably late arrival, and refusal to move from a single spot requiring LAN attendees to pay homage in his court, for This Year, For Every Year, Undisputed, Undefeated, Attention Whore For All Time Award Goes To...
I'll be back next week with the regular quality Q&A Feature you have all come to love and respect. Until then, feel free to check out all of the photos from this Year's Last and Final Chitown LAN. Post up your own stuff or just grab some and make up your own snarky awards.
Oh yeah, DSmooth was there. Even with a table full of prizes in front of him nobody would talk to him.
