Okay, it wasn’t full of sex toys. There was just the one. Which was raffled off for charity. We’ll get to that in a minute.
The debauchery part is true. The alcohol was plentiful and free flowing. You even had your choice of flavors. A keg-o-cheap beer kept most of the room lubricated Friday and Saturday, though some sought to augment with glasses of the Green Fairy and other fairly strong drinks from the bar downstairs.
You had to be careful in the hotel bar. Both the barmaids spoke with some kind of strange European accent – I’ll call it Swedish – and depending on their mood, were just as likely to get your drink order correct as try screw you out of $12. Apparently, in crazy Sweden, “Two more of those” loosely translates to “Two Long Island Iced Teas.” Such miscommunication was followed by the standard guilt trip of “Whatever. Take them anyway.”
As far as hotels go, nothing to complain about. Everything was clean. It was located, however, in the airport/industrial slums, just adjacent to the train yards and down the street from the worst-smelling dump in the world. Imagine, if you will, a football field sized pool of sour milk. That’s what it smelled like. At least coming into town. The hotel didn’t smell that way. Then again, once you got to the hotel, there was really no point in venturing outside, though some of us did.
Though 2old2Con didn’t officially begin until Friday evening, site members began rolling in
Thursday. Most of them were the set-up crew, including Phreak and her fantastic rib dinner, complete
with tasty side dishes (sauces, potato salad, cheesecake, cookies). By 9pm, most everything was ready to roll. Tables were in place, TVs, network cable and power cords sprawled all over the floor. Luckily the bar was open downstairs, which is good because the AC in the LAN room wasn’t working (though they assured us it’d be on for the LAN).
It’s an interesting thing putting face and appearance to voice. I expected Doodi to be … taller. Same with F1R3. I had no mental image of RightHandofGod, so when I met him, it was like, “Oh, hell, really?” Cool guy. Don’t be on the other team when he’s got a sniper rifle, least not on a LAN.
Anyway, I think half of us hung out in the bar Thursday night and got bombed. They had pool tables, darts, and a cigarette machine that apparently ate your money. I can’t remember who beat me at pool. What I do remember, however, is LBsutke buying my Profanity guys a shot of Patron Silver, which was nice. That’s how we roll.
I think there were people upstairs gaming. Probably Halo 2. I never made it back up there Thursday night to find out. It was cool just to get to hang out with everyone. Let’s face it, we play these games all the time. You don’t often get to hang out with friends you’ve never met before.
A LAN that wasn’t about the games? Yeah, that’s right. I said it. It was about the people. We didn’t sojourn to Chicago from all across the country for the games, man. It was to meet our virtual pen pals. To see if our clans get along in real life like they do on the net. Face time. All nerds need more face time, after all. You’d hear a familiar voice emanating from an unfamiliar face, have a moment of weirdness, and then you’d be talking and carrying on just like on Live.
Friday more people trickled in. The early arrivals went and played tourist. I know there was a group that went to a Cubs game. We went downtown on the L, ate some Chicago style pizza and visited Navy Pier. In the space of about five hours, I saw Eksessiv fall asleep in any number of locations, including the loud-as-hell train. I think he’s got nacrosleepy or something.
Friday night, it was on. The room still wasn’t at capacity. Friday night it was conceivable to sit in front of a tube and not have to share a screen while playing Halo 2. And let me tell ya, there was a lot of Halo 2 lovin’ going on.
Remember all that talk about Saturday being for 360 games? Didn’t happen. Oh, sure, there were a few that dabbled in the 360 games, but not in significant numbers. I know I saw a pack of Wheezin Geezers playing Chromehounds, Fight Night, Call of Duty 2 and maybe even G.R.A.W. I’m not sure about that, however. I was drunk and I prefer Halo 2.
By far the most popular game was Halo 2. Call it our common ground, our comfort zone. It was awesome to sit in a room and listen to DSmooth and Doodi sling smack talk as though they were members of my clan. I even heard our site founder yell the ubiquitous, “Bullshit,” after being pwned. Does the heart good to see a thing like that, ya know?
Smack talking amongst clan mates on Live is good. Smack talking at a LAN is awesome. You get to see the faces of the beaten. There are no misunderstandings at the LAN. They know you’re being a fun-loving jackass and don’t get offended. If you act like a Timmy, well, you get hazed by the mob.
Anyway, the Halo 2-ing went smoothly save for a couple of blown breakers (“Hey! What the fuck!”). You should’ve seen the freaking switches. You could’ve networked DARPA with that gear. Not sure who provided all the equipment, but we had no networking problems, which was nice. Good job, infrastructure team.
Not all of us played console games. A table hosted the scorned who sat and played World of Warcrack for hours at a time, only bothering to move when they had to go to the bathroom. Their eyes were bloodshot, their hands cramped and atrophied into a fair resemblance a T-rex claw. When they talked, they spoke in some strange language that seemed to borrow words from the English, but had little basis in reality. Things like “instance” and “aggro” and “grinding.” These people didn’t even bother to look up during the raffle for “The Cock.” Something about “More dots,” whatever that means.
Also in that general area, a table was devoted to card games of all things, Magic among them. I saw Xssmoke with an armored briefcase equipped with crypto-genetic locks and retinal readers. He said it was full of precious cargo “worth more than you,” whatever that means.
The table hosted more than Magic. Darth Cestual, who’s an amazing artist by the way, had created a tabletop game. I heard it was cool. I missed out on it entirely. I was probably out suffering through Talladega Nights.
There was a huge poker game Saturday evening, apparently won by Bubba. “Bubba beat me on a coin toss,” Taxi said. “Pocket eights vs. King/Queen suited. He flopped an Eight. That fuck.” Perhaps Taxi’s bitter.
Speaking of Taxi, what’s with all you people being surprised that he’s “loud.” Haven’t you played on Live with this guy for the last two years? Don’t you know where he’s from? Loud. Meh.
Most people showed true to form. Taxi was loud. Phreaks had a strap-on. LBsutke laughed a lot. DSmooth talked smack, though he’s much nicer in person than in site chat. Don’t let him fool you. Mike James (dude is tall) actually didn’t get that drunk, so that was kind of disappointing. Another nice guy in real life. Never did see the guy with a bottle of JD.
Then there were the clans. The Wheezin Geezers, 2old2pwn, and Old Man Mafia represented in numbers and a large contingent of 2o2p.com guys rolled out, which is to be expected. When you look at the photo collection, the 2o2p.com guys are on the stairs, all organized and stuff. Looks like a frat pic. Thirteen of my guys (Profanity) showed up and were even cooler in person than online, though I think they all shot me the bird in our clan photo. Then again, something would’ve been wrong if they hadn’t…
It was also cool to meet people I don’t normally game with. Online, there’s often a lack of cross-clan participation, so it was awesome getting to meet Rock, Gaius and TBOX and a bunch of the others. I’ve already gotten invites into game lobbies I never would’ve been invited to prior to the LAN.
We capped off the Con in philanthropic style with the 2o2p raffle. Five bucks got you a ticket. The prizes, in order, were: 1) Xbox 360 faceplate; 2) Xbox Live Party Pack (a free Papa John’s pizza and a bazillion Live Points); 3) An official 2o2pCon TV autographed by all those in attendance; 4) a giant dildo, “The Cock,” autographed by those with guts enough to sign (“Jesus Loves You” – Fetal), and a custom-made black leather paddle. Can’t remember who got the faceplate. Or who won the party pack. I know MJ took home the television.
Then things got interesting. Phreaks got called up to do the dong drawing. She reached into the beer carton (yes, all the raffle ticket stubs went into some crappy Michelob box) and pulled out a number. No one claimed it. Chaos ensued. There was talk of lining everyone up and inspecting their … tickets. Instead, to cries of “coward,” she redrew.
Again, the cock went unclaimed. Some say a gentleman from North Carolina with a winning ticket vanished from the proceedings like Ben Kenobi being struck down by Darth Vader.
The third number named Cheezer of the Wheezin Geezers champion of the cock, and he held it aloft like some half-flaccid Excalibre. I think he spoke words of greatness and minor humiliation. I was watching WoW. What I do know is that everyone in the room was chanting “Suck It” as loud as possible (how didn’t we get kicked out of the hotel?). As Profanity overlord, it’s my duty to inform all those present at the Con that “Suck It” is the trademarked slogan of Profanity. You owe us royalties. Join or pay up. Beer is acceptable as currency. As is most other forms of liquor.
When all was said and done, 2o2p raised more than $400 for charity, which sort of seems like a bonus. We got to have all that fun and did something responsible.
I think you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone that didn’t enjoy the 2006 2old2con. By the end of Saturday, there was a large contingent begging Doodi to hold next year’s in Vegas. I have it on good authority that probably won’t happen. Who would stick around to play video games with gambling, free booze and scantily clad women at arm’s reach?
Either way, like this year, we hope to triple attendance next year. That’d put us somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 attendees. It’s not a lofty goal. It should be a foregone conclusion. If you don’t go, think of what you’ll be missing out.
Just take a gander at all the posts in Off-Topic. You already missed out. Make sure you don’t next year. 360ish days and counting…
Check Out The Full Photo Gallery of the Lan Here!
