A glimpse into the HMR head

ArminK

Shared on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 13:11

First blog.........

Told that this may ease my turmoil w/in myself.  Hell, who knows, may help. So here it goes...........

As some of you have noticed, I have not been myself as of late. There have been many losses and a few gains ,which were lost anyway. Go figrue.So maybe I should start by saying that my recent 9/11 post was pre-emted by seeing my friends widow and 6 yr old(almost) daughter, he was a firefighter whose life was stolen from him by the attacks on the WTC. His daughter will NEVER know her dad. She just knows that he was a hero, which knowing him as I did I wholeheartedly agree. So I posted  just to ease the pain.

The old couple whose house my sister and I were watching as they were recovering in the hospital, well, the old gentleman passed away. Now his widow insists that I take the fishtanks and fish that were his. Of course you can't argue with an elderly swedish lady, add to that a widow. So now I am making room in the house for the new additions and trying to get her house ready for the winter, not to mention moving the items that were her husbands.......and dealing with his funeral.......did I mention how much I HATE funerals and wakes????? I would rather gouge my eye out with a lawn tractor.

The loss of a beloved thread in the clan forum........ DAMN....... The thought still hurts, and peeps try to revive it. It feels....dirty?soiled? I tried to do what I could do to save it, with info I was given(faulty....go figure), Did I overstep my bounds???? YEP, think so, but only for the love of the thread. Spoke with the overlord, posted, and still no changes, as I could only give input and NOT make the changes. PEEPS could not understand that i guess. For when the changes that were recomended were not made I was PM'ed alot. I was cursed at, accused of starting the whole thing, berated...... guess you get the picture. It was so bad I almost left the clan. Had a few peeps REMOVE themselves from my FL. SO IN THE END, I lost a beloved thread, AND the will to even post, as I do not know if I will be berated again. So I pick and choose what I post in and what I write. I now post mainly OUTSIDE the clan forum. I hope someday I will feel comfortable to post there regularly again. Only time will tell.

I found a wonderful woman here on the site. We had a wonderful time together,these past few months. BUT, this too has ended. The distance between us,3 hrs in a car 1 way, has taken a toll on us....me..... as I cannot be the man that I need to be to be at peace with myself.She deserves better than that which I can give right now. She deserves the best, and I am only second rate right now. We did part on friendly terms....I think..... we did agree, but she was crying and said "good-bye" and hung up. I think we are good, but only time will tell. OH BTW...... I didn't WANT to let her go, I just wish things could be a little different. -sigh-

MOM has been ill for some time, dad had a major heart operation a few years back. In the house with them, so we don't lose the house dad built. things are tough, as mom just had a doctors visit, ALOT of tests, all in one day, better for her to be uncomfortable for 1 day instead on a couple.(staying as far away as poss, easier on dad and I to do for 1 day) Well, the bill showed up.........$798...... AFTER the 80% that moms ins pays. Did I mention that mom and dad are retired?  So..... their fixed income, who has that kind of $ ??? YUP< you guessed it, me. Don't get me wrong, not complaining....much..... So any of the plans I had of seeing peeps this year are pretty much gone.

MAN, sometimes being sober sucks.......... NOT..... not even an option, but had to state it as it's a thought that ran through my head a couple times. After 11 and a half years the thought still creaps in. Must stay vigilant. As I am useless to anyone if I drink/drug.

Well, guess its time to get on XBL.....Chromehounds.... and blow some sht up!

 

Comments

KingBayman's picture
Submitted by KingBayman on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 13:32
I feel your pain on alot of what you've got going on. My Dad is also very sick in the hospital right now. Viral infection and no immune system to speak of. I don't know the situation with the A-Team thread(I assume that's the thread you were referring to) but being a part of the OMM and hearing of people berating you because of what I thought was just a fun, silly thread really pisses me off. I thought my clan was better than this. Maybe I was wrong, but I hope I'm not. Soberiety isn't my thing, but I've been a serious drinker anyway. If you need you stay clean, more power to you and keep the faith brother. Take it easy.
MTK005's picture
Submitted by MTK005 on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 13:33
Hammer, man, I wish there was somehting I could do. All i can say is that tough times are there for a reason, so that we can understand the good. if you ever need someone to chat with, or just listen, I'm there. if you just need to blow shit up.. well, I'm always there for that. I'll just add the bullseye to my Hound ;-)
meemoos's picture
Submitted by meemoos on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 13:38
Sorry about everything going on in your life. i wish things were easier. What a GREAT son you are to take on your parents care. I do know that "the person" in your life is very upset and it was a very hard thing to do. I wish you all the best in your life. People like you who always help other people, are the best, and good things WILL happen for you. Bonus note---Join my clan and post what ever you want!!!
FreakMullet's picture
Submitted by FreakMullet on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 13:43
hey Armin, I was wondering why you hadn't been around much in the clan forums. figured you were busy, which you are. sorry to hear about your Mom. :( I don't have any advice other than to make sure you tell her that you love her. as for the woman, don't ever feel that you are not good enough for her. that is her to decision to make. and if she's crying while saying good bye, that's a good indication that she cares a lot for you. keep your head up and maintain the strength to stay clean/sober. drugs and alcohol only complicate problems, they never solve them.
Big0ne's picture
Submitted by Big0ne on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 13:58
Sorry to hear you're going through such a rough patch right now Arm. Seems like the old saying is true, when it rains it pours. Hopefully your next set of problems will be which hot chick should I go out with this week! Why do those types of problems never rain down once in a while?
Lonewolf's picture
Submitted by Lonewolf on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 14:09
Wow hammer man, I knew of some of that from talking to you, but not all sorry your luck has been bad as of late. What is that corny line if it doesnt kill you it only makes you stonger, I am not one to talk but it should get better, and from my experience hanging with you online you are a good guy and will get through it. And finally the thread thing, I didnt even remember you were in that mix of controversy etc. no wonder I havent seen you on the forums, no ill will here but I guess you allready knew that, and frankly nobody else should have held any part of it against you either buet hey everyone has their opinions their good traits and their faults we all work through it. Hang in there hammer, I and many others are here for ya bro, we can blow shit up anytime you want man just let me know.
BATMANKM's picture
Submitted by BATMANKM on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 15:37
Hammer what can i say. First it was great to play some Halo together again last night, i miss playing with you and all my A team buds. You mentioned some of whats been going on in your life of late and Im honored that you shared it with me. Im sorry to hear about your parents and that its created such a stressful time for you. My father has a saying that has always helped me see past the immediate pain of a situation. " This too shall pass" In no way is that meant to belittle the pain and distress you are enduring but it is imperative that you recognize that life is like an ocean and its waves bring us up and down continually through out our journey across it. This low point will pass and You will not always feel this way, let that simple truth help give you strength to make it so :-) Long distance is hard and can make relationships impossible. However, love knows no distance. So maybe you just need a break right now with all that is going on. Once that ocean wave comes back up perhaps the distance wont seem so far. :-) On the A Team thread...wow, I respect the fact that you have chosen to put your feelings and experience into words, i give you credit. Im not sure Im ready to do that. Mainly because i fear it would end with my departure and so I have chosen to wait. You and i have spent many times in the Halo lobby discussing the incident and how it resolved itself. You know how i feel and i understand what you were trying to do. I have apologized for my contribution to your assault of PMs :-) You and I made our piece and healed our wounds early and quick and I have always been thankful for that. Your one of the good guys and one of the reasons I joined the OMM over any other clan, and why I stay. Most importantly I miss you and i miss your contribution in the forum. So I hope you will come back soon. But i respect your need for time off. There are lots of people that are responsible for what happened with that thread and in no way should you feel that it was all your fault, abso-fuckin-lutly not!!!!!! Truth is, we all hold a chunk of responsibility for that mess. Even those that chose not to get involved at all, because we are a community and the troubles of that threads final hours were effecting all of us and therefore deserved the attention of the entire community. For me that thread was a moment in time. A moment that is lost and gone now. Its sad that some felt threatened some how by that thread. Or that they felt there wasn't enough room in our family for it, or for the A Team. But thats what happened and so that thread needs to die, it needs to drag all its pain and ill will away with it as it fades into oblivion. However.......it was just a thread. The A Team was an idea, an experience of like minded souls, and I echo MTK above, the A Team will never die! Because the fact is when i play with people i like, with people that I laugh with and enjoy playing with, like yourself, then the A Team lives on for me and I hope it does for you too. So when ever you get tired of building hounds and blowing up tanks, grab your BR and some stickies and lets go fuck up some timmies. LOL !!! Lastly, our ability to love and care for others is totally dependent on our ability to love ourselves. My experience has been that drugs and alcohol are a way of self medicating against emotional pain and unhappiness with ourselves. Those feelings are part of those same up and down waves. But some times we need a little help to stay in the boat so we can ride the upside of the wave and back into the daylight. Dont go it alone my man, if those addictions are calling you dont ignore them, get some help. Some one to talk to . In other words, care enough about yourself to take care of yourself, so that you can have the strength and ability to be there for the people you love and that need you. Welcome home my brother, welcome home! You have been missed!! Long live the God Of Thunder, The Mighty Hammer!!!! Long live the A Team!!! and most of all Long live the OMM !!!!! Peace BAT
pendragon's picture
Submitted by pendragon on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 16:23
Hey Hammer. I really hope everything works out well for you. I know life can sure be hard most of the time. I think friends are very important in helping us make it through it all. I think of you as my friend and, If you ever need to vent or talk just PM me. You were the first OMM I played Halo2 with (besides my brother Mongoose). You really made me feel welcome. I remember thinking of how cool it was that you took the time that Sunday night to teach me how to play Halo2. I miss playing games with you. I hope to see you on xbox soon. Peace.
DaddyToe's picture
Submitted by DaddyToe on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 17:46
Hey Armin I was wondering where you'd been. Stay positive and I truely admire what your doing with your folks and neighbors. I'm a bit fringe so I don't know the story on the A Team thread that well but your one of my fav clan mates and I hope you will be comfortable enough to post more soon and come play some COD2/PGR3, it's been too long. I'll even put in the old H2 to catch up with ya. I am available if you ever need to chat.
rockcrawler69's picture
Submitted by rockcrawler69 on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 17:48
Well Armin, I am sad to hear about all of the things going on in yourlife. I too , as we all, have been through tough times and I think you are a strong person and will percevier(SP??) I am little bummed to hear that you are still upset about the A-team thread. I think it has been said many many times that we are a family and families don't always agree or get along. The thread did not die at that point, but went on for 5 more pages after the "issue" I am also sorry to hear that you were berated and cussed at. I spoke with many many many and had tons and tons of PM's, and not one negative thing was said about you. I wish that you would have let me know the culprits and copied me, I would have tried to handle it. I may not have handled it like you wanted, but I hope you understand that you were not the only person involved and I had PM's from MANY MANY folks, and I tried to do the right thing. In the end, It was still the A team thread. I know that I look forward to playing with you and always enjoy the game play and the banter. I, like you, have to remeber that we can't please everyone all of the time, we can only try to do what is right. My thoughts are with you through this tough time and if you wanna talk, or yell or whatever, hit me up, you are a brother in arms and I want to be here for you. Rockcrawler69 Old Man Mafia
Deman267's picture
Submitted by Deman267 on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 18:21
Jeez,after Bat's tribute anything I say will be a tad anti-climactic.Suffice to say that if you need to talk or whatever feel free to PM me or send a message or something.I too remember you taking the time to help people in Halo2 and always thought that was a really cool thing to do.Come back when you're ready and stay strong/clean/free.-DMAN-
MrwhiteII's picture
Submitted by MrwhiteII on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 23:44
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.” -Unknown If you need a hand, a hug, a wheel-man,
MrwhiteII's picture
Submitted by MrwhiteII on Thu, 09/14/2006 - 23:46
-power cut out- ...or someone to race that Goat with, I'm there. -white
Avril's picture
Submitted by Avril on Fri, 09/15/2006 - 12:38
Hammer, Wow, what do I say? I'm sorry to hear about all the strife in your life, but you are a strong person. Sometimes the things in life that make it difficult are the things that bring us the most joy....a close family member or friend leaving us or passing away, it's sad, it's hard, but at least you were able to share your life, love and the good times with them. Just try to remember all those good times Hammer, that goes for the A Team as well. Your a great person and really helped me out when I first started playing Halo, not just training me, but being a friend. Stay clean buddy, and if you need a anything, let me know. -Avril
Stryker927's picture
Submitted by Stryker927 on Fri, 09/15/2006 - 12:54
I posted last night, but my comment was lost in the server move. :( Anyway, in short...HMR, you are a great comrade to your OMM brethern (and sistern). I know I appreciate all the help you gave me with CH a few weeks back. And of course you have the best SIG ever!! hehe So by all means we want you to be around and involved. I am sorry to hear about life's struggles. Sounds like quite the burden. I will pray for you and your family. I hope that things lighten up and become more managable. Keep on being strong as far as the addictions go. I have many a family member that have walked down your path. It's not easy. But they have no regrets on choosing a clean lifestyle. God bless and hit me up if you're on, I would be more than happy to serve as some HMR fodder in COD some time. :D Sincerely, Stryker
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ST3W13's picture
Submitted by ST3W13 on Sun, 01/21/2007 - 21:22
I know this post is late but I'm new to 2O2P. After reading this post & the comments, I had to commend everyone for their thoughtful & insightful remarks--this is truly a wonderful community. ArminK, I don't even know you, but I empathize with your struggle. I hope that by now life is better & that you have remained strong. I look forward to meeting you someday. All the best.

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