Don't forget to eat!

The following story comes from my entry to this summer’s Writing Contest. I wrote up a little humor piece that gave me a chuckle but was soundly defeated when the other contestants wrote actual news articles that were well written and informative. Those bastards! Anyway, this has been sitting on my hard drive for awhile waiting for CodeMonkey to include it in the next magazine. However, with him busy on starting up an internet store I began to doubt my story would ever see the light of day. Therefore, I have taken matters into my own hands and have decided to scoop Monkey and publish this on my own blog. Screw you, Monkey, and your need to sleep at least 4 hours a night. So, here it is my in-depth study on the effects of excessive video game playing and your life expectancy. Read it and become enlightened on the next big evil in today’s society.

Video Games are the Number One Killer Among Disillusioned Malnourished Asians

Video games kill. That is what Jack Thompson, attorney from hell, has been telling us for years. We never believed him because his diatribes are usually closely followed by multi million dollar law suits in which he stands to make a personal gain regardless of the outcome. His lawsuits have nothing to do with video games actually killing anyone. Instead, they deal with shifting the blame from a punk with homicidal tendencies to a cash rich corporation that produces video games with violent content. But, Jack Thompson is right fundamentally. Video games do kill people, just not in the way he thinks.

Last year, reports were widely circulated about a man in China who collapsed after playing for 20 straight hours in an Internet Café. He later died at the hospital. Also in 2005, a 28 year old man in Korea died after playing for 50 straight hours at an internet café. He lasted a lot longer than the guy in China, but he doesn’t hold a candle to the guy in Kwanju who died in 2002 after 86 hours of continuous gaming.

So here we have three cases of people dying after playing video games for an excessive amount of time. These guys ate, slept, and died in their local internet café. Are we supposed to feel sorry for them? Are we supposed to blame the game manufacturers for addicting these youths to their vile products? No, all I can do is laugh at these dim-witted fellows. They got so enraptured in the games they were playing that they forgot to eat. This is the pinnacle of stupidity. The body handles most of the important processes for you. It breathes on its own. It pumps blood on its own. It keeps your eyes moist for you on its own. All you have to do is feed it and expunge waste from it on a regular basis and it will last for a long time. And these idiots could not even remember to do this. The human race is better off without these guys. In fact, I hope games become increasingly more addictive so that they could weed out the imbeciles who are more concerned with leveling up their Dark Elf Necromancer than putting food in their face.

Unfortunately, the game publishers and certain governments don’t quite agree with my sentiment and are taking steps to prevent gamers from accidentally starving themselves. China has taken the most aggressive steps. First, they closed 12,575 internet cafés in one region in response to a huge public outcry from parents. They then worked with game publishers to modify their programs to punish gamers who play for extended amounts of time. After three hours, the player’s character will receive a small decrease in stats and abilities. After five hours of continuous play, the player’s character’s strength has been gimped to that of the actual player. Once they log off, they are unable to log back on for five hours. In a country that has population control measures in place, I find it odd that they would take this much effort to keep alive the easily distracted portion of their citizens.

In America, efforts have been taken to make food more accessible to gamers instead of limiting their gaming time. In February 2005, Sony Online Entertainment partnered with Pizza Hut to provide a pizza delivery service to Everquest II players. While in game, gamers could type “/pizza” in the game and a menu would pop up that would allow them to place their order. The order would then be routed to their local Pizza Hut restaurant and they would deliver a piping hot pizza to the player in the real world. The promotion has since ended, but the popularity of the service has led to scenes like this:

Pizza dude: Hey, some dude on the phone just called and ordered an extra large pan pizza with froglok toppings for delivery. Do we serve froglok?

Pizza manager: Was that Ooglak the Ogre?

Pizza dude: Yeah, I think that is what he said his name was.

Pizza manager: We actually just put a double heaping of anchovies on it and tell Stu that it is froglok.

Pizza dude: Stu? You said his name was Oogrop.

Pizza manager: Ooglak is the name of his Everquest character. His real name is Stu Piedman. He lives over in that apartment complex across the street.

Pizza dude: Wait. This guy is too lazy to walk across the street to pick up his pizza?

Pizza manager: Well, he once tried to send his wolf familiar over to pick up his pizza, but we are still trying to clean the blood off the floor from that debacle.

So, the evidence is out there. Play video games for days at a time and you could end up kicking the bucket. Of course, you could also die by knitting kitten sweaters for days at a time. The point is your body needs to eat in order to survive. Anyone who overlooks their body’s basic requirements during extended gaming sessions does not actually deserve to live and the gaming industry should just ignore them as they ignored their body. Food, it does a body good. Pass it on.