Three days to go...

Until the Wifey returns from her loooooong three week trip back to see her Dad.  We've been at odds for a while and she's been doing dome serious reflection.  I've had fifteen weeks of concentrated effort to make sure she knows she is loved and respected, and her most frequent response is "Why did it take six years for you try?" .  I sit at home, throwing myself into the 360 and taking care of the boy trying to just get through it.

When she left, we were on great terms, my hard work was beginning to show results.  It's not really hard work, but changing habits is tough for me.  I can adapt on the fly at work , but doing the same in my day-today realtionship is not as simple.  I wanted her to feel safe and see how much she means to me.  I quit drinking, Sunday was 11 weeks sober.  I haven't been to any Alanon meetings, but prefer to go it solo.  I don't want to get caught in someone else's tragedy, I have my own drama.  Don't worry, I have a supprt net, I know my limitations and I know that I can do this solo.  I quit for me and selfish reasons are usually the best at stiffening the resolve.  The wife has attended a meeting back in Texas and told me that I'm destined to fail if I don't get group support.  I've been in different groups and know how they are all styled after the 12-step system of resolution/absolution, admittance of error and taking of responsibility.  I have done all of these things and am able to look people in the eye.  There is no shame in me.  There is regret, but nothing can be done except move forward with purpose. 

I am living in constant fear of my marriage failing.  I am wondering if I have made too many mistakes, hurt too many feelings for her to trust me anymore.  I had a friend say to me that trust is the most important aspect of a marriage, because love without trust will drive you mad with fear.  I have not been unfaithful, but her fear of my past transgressions coming back to visit is making her pull away.  Fifteen weeks, even longer than I spent in boot camp, is just a start.  I tild her that one small step a day, back from the fear, one small step towards trusting me with her heart, and we will have many happy years to come.

I chose her to be in my life forever.  She chose me, and I let her down with my careless neglect of her emotions.  We are all responsible with how we let the world affect us, but when you get daily doses of little hurts, soon you become full of them and they won't go away.  Scar tissue builds and sometimes it takes years for it to go away.

Here's to hoping that she doesn't have too many scars to see the love I hold.  It's up to her now.