That's it, it is official. The Apocalypse has begun.

The last few weeks life has been bizarre. All the major news outlets are proof positive we, Americans, are quite possibly the most ignorant people on the face of the planet. In the last week we have seen: An astronaut with moon rocks in her head and presumably a diaper rash drive 1,000 miles to kill a rival lover. The death and subsequant lionization of a gold digging, drugged out self obsessed moron. And the reunion of The Police. We're doomed.

It was broadcast into our skulls via lazer beams. It was so bad it was like a car crash that is so grisly it hurts your eyes, but you just can't look away. One astronaut presumably took one to many swigs of tang, got a huge sugar high and the orange shits, and lost it. This crazy bitch drove 1,000 miles wearing a diaper and wielding a swizzle stick with the intent to kill her "lover's" girlfriend. If the insanity plea was meant for anyone, it was meant for this whackjob.

Two things came to mind when i heard this story. 1.) I should have been an astronaut. If this fruit loop could do it, anyone can. Images of Lennie from Of Mice and Men saving us from a giant asteroid with little bunny stickers plastered on his face shield while shouting, "Who's gonna tend the rabbits, george?"come to mind. 2.) Are we so desperate for a diversion from our humdrum existence that we really need to hear the tales of this "diaper dandy" from CNN, FOX, ABC, CBS etc...? Where's my Luger?

Aparently we are. The only thing that ended this serious reporting was the death of America's favorite girl next door. And by that I mean living in the trailer across the way, past the empty birdbath that doubles as Uncle Jim's 2AM urinal. Every news outlet has faithfully reported to us of this actress's untimely demise. Actress? WTF? Yeah, I remember her from that great picture...in Playboy. She was every schoolboy's zaftig fantasy. Until you found out that the living dead had "been all up in dat." This woman's life, AND passing has made me question the very validity of our existance.

Why in the name of God Almighty is this story so fucking big? Where's the mystery? I can't believe anyone is surprised this health nut kicked the bucket, or even cares. She was an addict. Methadone is addictive. No one self medicates with methadone. "Oh, but Fetal, she was in rehab. She was clean. How can you be so cruel and apathetic about the passing of such a lovely woman?" Easy. Like I give a shit. Who, really, was living vicariously through this self centered bitch's life? I'll bet dollars to venereal diseases that not one of you was thinking prior to her death, "I wonder what Anna Nicole is doing right now?" or WWAND? (what would anna nicole do) First of all, anytime some C-list tabloid pin-up who is more famous for her gold digging than her "body of work" (and i use that term loosely, and literally) gets her life compared to Marilyn Monroe, when in reality the only thing similar in their lives was their death, and the term conspiracy comes up, i want to rip off my ears, use them to gouge out my eyes and stuff them in my mouth so I don't voice my disbelief.

Holy shit people. Have we all gone mad? The astronaut chick looks sane compared to the media who are salivating like dogs waiting for a meal of kitty litter. Someone please take the food away from the dogs. They don't know any better and will eat themselves to death.

When I was growing up, I was taught that it was the New's duty to inform us of important happenings in the world. Things that affect our day to day lives. The spread of communism. The taking down of the Berlin Wall. Iran-Contra deals. Watergate, Whitewater, 9/11, war in Iraq. How the fuck does the death of a crazy bitch, and the acts of another 51 card deck winner affect our lives? Jesus, it is times like these I'm so happy the Police have never gotten back together and mangled their old hits like Roxanne.

My God. You don't say.