Kwazy
Shared on Tue, 02/20/2007 - 17:59I was a fat little kid. Not fat by today’s standards (good grief), but fat by 20 years ago standards. If I was that same little kid today, I’d be merely average. I struggled with my weight all the way up through high school. At that time, I started playing sports and lost the pounds. Kept them off pretty much through college...gain some during the academic year, lose them over the summer.
Eventually I graduated. This is not something I’d recommend. My advice to any college student is this: Stay in school as long as you can. Never again in life will you have so little responsibility and be able to live for such a small amount of money. Never, if you’re a guy, will you be able to get laid with such the smallest amount of effort. And for both genders, you’re prospective partners will get progressively less attractive each year after. If you do accidentally graduate, enroll in grad school immediately. That is, after all, what it’s for. You really think anyone cares if you’ve got a Masters Degree in Sub-Saharan 14th century pottery?
But I digress. After graduation I packed on the pounds like a hippo with a pituitary disease. My 5’9” frame eventually accumulated 240 lbs of gelatinous goo. The two packs of Camel Lights were likely not helping my ticker any either. I’m not sure what provided the impetus to get back on the path of health, but I’m pretty sure it had something to do with being paroled from my first marriage. It probably isn’t necessary at this juncture in the narrative to mention her name, so let’s just call her Psycho Hose Beast for short.
Click. I’ve got about the world’s most addictive personality, so once I get something started...it’s all downhill from there. A few months later and the pounds were off. A few years later I quit smoking. Life was good, and I was relatively healthy. Then I got old. Or rather, then I got tennis elbow...which if you don’t play tennis pretty much means you’re getting old. Too much weight, too little surface area connecting the tendon to the elbow. Ran the gauntlet of cortisone injections to no avail and eventually had to have surgery. The surgery was 100% successful, and I’ve been a sack of shit ever since.
Which brings us to yesterday’s purchase and tonight’s activity. I bought a home gym. This is something I’ve been wanting for years. I’ve got many, many hygiene hang-ups with a good deal of xenophobia to boot. Bottom line, I don’t like health clubs. So I take the plunge after a lot of research and buy the thing.
It is now sitting in 4312 pieces in my basement. The three boxes it came in were too heavy for me to get from the garage down the steps either with or without help from the wife. So I opened them up and brought the pieces down a few at a time. At this point, I don’t think I’m going to bother assembling it. Going up and down twenty times with all the individual pieces was surely the best workout I’ve had in months. Tomorrow, I’ll bring the whole shebang back upstairs. Thursday, I’ll bring it back down.
But I jest. I’m now off to go get it figured out. I’m not sure if I got screwed yet or not. The machine has exceptionally heavy-duty steel and pulleys...or maybe they’re just exceptionally heavy...I probably shouldn’t draw a parallel just yet. This thing is either a really cheap good gym or a really expensive bad gym. Hopefully I’ll know by tomorrow.
Eventually I graduated. This is not something I’d recommend. My advice to any college student is this: Stay in school as long as you can. Never again in life will you have so little responsibility and be able to live for such a small amount of money. Never, if you’re a guy, will you be able to get laid with such the smallest amount of effort. And for both genders, you’re prospective partners will get progressively less attractive each year after. If you do accidentally graduate, enroll in grad school immediately. That is, after all, what it’s for. You really think anyone cares if you’ve got a Masters Degree in Sub-Saharan 14th century pottery?
But I digress. After graduation I packed on the pounds like a hippo with a pituitary disease. My 5’9” frame eventually accumulated 240 lbs of gelatinous goo. The two packs of Camel Lights were likely not helping my ticker any either. I’m not sure what provided the impetus to get back on the path of health, but I’m pretty sure it had something to do with being paroled from my first marriage. It probably isn’t necessary at this juncture in the narrative to mention her name, so let’s just call her Psycho Hose Beast for short.
Click. I’ve got about the world’s most addictive personality, so once I get something started...it’s all downhill from there. A few months later and the pounds were off. A few years later I quit smoking. Life was good, and I was relatively healthy. Then I got old. Or rather, then I got tennis elbow...which if you don’t play tennis pretty much means you’re getting old. Too much weight, too little surface area connecting the tendon to the elbow. Ran the gauntlet of cortisone injections to no avail and eventually had to have surgery. The surgery was 100% successful, and I’ve been a sack of shit ever since.
Which brings us to yesterday’s purchase and tonight’s activity. I bought a home gym. This is something I’ve been wanting for years. I’ve got many, many hygiene hang-ups with a good deal of xenophobia to boot. Bottom line, I don’t like health clubs. So I take the plunge after a lot of research and buy the thing.
It is now sitting in 4312 pieces in my basement. The three boxes it came in were too heavy for me to get from the garage down the steps either with or without help from the wife. So I opened them up and brought the pieces down a few at a time. At this point, I don’t think I’m going to bother assembling it. Going up and down twenty times with all the individual pieces was surely the best workout I’ve had in months. Tomorrow, I’ll bring the whole shebang back upstairs. Thursday, I’ll bring it back down.
But I jest. I’m now off to go get it figured out. I’m not sure if I got screwed yet or not. The machine has exceptionally heavy-duty steel and pulleys...or maybe they’re just exceptionally heavy...I probably shouldn’t draw a parallel just yet. This thing is either a really cheap good gym or a really expensive bad gym. Hopefully I’ll know by tomorrow.
- Kwazy's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Submitted by UnwashedMass on Tue, 02/20/2007 - 18:16
Submitted by Devonsangel on Tue, 02/20/2007 - 18:25
Submitted by Raiz3R on Tue, 02/20/2007 - 18:40
Submitted by Kwazy on Tue, 02/20/2007 - 18:53
Submitted by Raiz3R on Tue, 02/20/2007 - 19:04
Submitted by dkhodz on Tue, 02/20/2007 - 19:15
Submitted by TheCrazyPerson on Tue, 02/20/2007 - 19:31
Submitted by Kwazy on Tue, 02/20/2007 - 22:23
Submitted by TheCrazyPerson on Wed, 02/21/2007 - 08:17