Deep thought..a Revelation

Life is crazy, full of twists and turn, ups and downs, things that blindside you from the depths of hell itself. No crazy doesn't even fit. I don't think there is even words to describe this type of fucked up situation. The weight of the world sliding down over you, ready to consume that last drop of your exsistance, almost as if the air is being sucked right out of your lungs. You feel it leaving your body, you know this is it...somewhere is the midst of the darkness that has enveloped you, you find your breath. As if some unknown source is giving you mouth to mouth, helping you breath. Helping you sustain what little life you have inside you. Then a thought crosses your mind? Why? Why? Why? Just let me go in peace you think, let me have my rest that I have surely earned...ahhh but there is no rest for the weary. Because for whatever fucked up reason in this insane crazy castastraphe we call life, someone has deemed me " a stong one". What the fuck? I am tired, spent, but still I push fucking forward. I am being toyed with, tested and my patience with the universe is at its peak. My mother always said that I had angels watching over me and I was ment for great things...what great things I ask? What is MY duty? Yeah yeah I know the answer to that..but it's not at all what I had invisioned my life to be like. My greatness in life is to be the good listener, a great friend, a caregiver to those in need. This is my role..to live for everyone else except me.

Here lately I have felt almost suffocated by life. There are always someone demanding and pulling energy from me. Will I ever get time to myself? Then when I actually get a few minutes that are my own, the bottom falls out. All the things I used to enjoy from life I have put on a shelf, and there it sits collecting dust. I feel that I am just a husk of the person I used to be. I used to see beauty in everything around me. Shadows, hues, lines, colors-everything was there for my taking. I had dreams. Dreams of being an inspiration to others, making a difference, taking a stand. What happened to me? I am consumed by anger, resentment, and fear. Fear of never changing, staying his hollow creature that I have become.

You say take charge, and make the change. Ah, how easily these words are to say for someone who is not in my place. To risk defeat, and discover that the person I am now is the person I am meant to be would be maddening. If I stay where I am, the probability of change would always be there, but to take steps and fail would mean the loss of all hope. So here I stand at the crossroads knowing that if I go forward where I will be. To turn back in search of my former self, this lost child, would include the possibility of failure. What if I never find her? What type of person would I be then, knowing she is gone? The decision is mine and mine alone. Am I strong enough? I asked the universe this question, and patiently waited for a reply. Then I found this website and stumbled into this clan. I guess the universe wants be to blow shit up. Let my inner child take out its aggression on all you fuckers. Much cheaper than therapy!