Daily Roundup

Carrie Fisher's 'Essential' new job
Please God let it be essential that she wears a gold-metal bikini.  Second thought, check that.  Twenty-two years couldn't have been that kind.

Cingular puts wrestling on cell phones
Preadolescents and men with extremely small penises everywhere rejoice.

 Israeli band couldn't be happier with controversy
Breaks through with hit single “Smells like Falafel.”

 Saving daylight may be costly
Japan must have cornered the photon market.  I keep my extra daylight in mason jars in the basement.

 Blues Traveler's Popper arrested
The title simply does NOT do this one justice.  If you know who John Popper is, this is a must-read.

 Michael Jackson: People were out 'to hurt me'
Being a pedophile does tend to illicit that type of reaction.

 Massage: It's real medicine
Sure it is.  After your next physical, tell the doc you want happy ending.

 Jenna Bush book: Single mother with HIV
Dad whines that print too small, doesn’t enjoy it nearly as much as “Clifford the Big Red Dog” series.

 Software engineer builds 'beer catapult'
Fires Budweisers across department towards accounting offices.  Demands reimbursement for eHarmony membership.

 Scientists: Sunlight alters asteroids' spin
That doesn’t get you off the hook, NASA!

 Wanted: Artificial limb for handicapped panda
Who cares if it can walk or not?  It still won’t hump to even to save it’s species!  Hmmm…if only we could teach that trick to Evangelicals…

Game study focuses on surgeons' skills
Now in addition to surgeon skills, many have bo-staff skills and nunchuck skills.  Girls dig guys with skills.  Flippin Sweet!

 Half-ton man gets to leave house at last
The shocker here is that he’s NOT American!?!

 Co-worker: 'Barbie Bandits' were strippers
That explains why they stuffed the robbery money down their pants!

 Bush carries message to Chavez's backyardAn administrative source speaking on condition of anonymity says message written on spiral-bound, wide-ruled notebook paper and reads “You have poopy-pants! Your frend, Georgie”