Daily Roundup

Kroger: 'Morning after' pill must be dispensed
Use your Kroger-Plus card to take advantage of savings on case of Pabst-Blue Ribbon, bottle Wild Turkey, jar of Vaseline, and four rolls of saran wrap....collectively known as “Evening Before” supplies.

Stick to face gets NHL player suspended
Ah...I initially misread that.  Much less creepy as printed.

Alleged child abductor refuses plea deal
What’s the world coming to when children are kidnapping people?

Easter Island: If these statues could talk
They’d probably say, “Who the fuck buried me up to my neck?!?”

States grapple with college textbook prices
Hardly a fair match as textbooks are not equipped with arms.

Eddie Van Halen to enter rehab
I hope he kept his punch card...this one should be free!

Turkey blocks YouTube for insult
Google, YouTube’s new parent company's stock price tumbles .0000001%

Techfest explores future technologies
Had it been named Rutabaga-fest instead, this would have been a major shocker.

Conciliatory Farrakhan: 'I've evolved'
“In addition to being an incompetent, racist asshole, I’ve grown gills and a second set of nipples.”

Police surround bank amid robbery
Good thinking, guys!  Must have been Chief Wiggums’s day off.

Gingrich admits affair during Lewinsky scandal
“But the chick I nailed was so much hotter,” rebutted Newt.  Seriously though, Newt would kick a nun down the stairs if he thought nobody was looking.  And this dick-face is actually considering a 2008 Presidential Run? 

Drug cartels recruit students during spring break
Hmmmm....get drunk and bang a hot, 19 year-old coed or join a drug cartel?  That’s got to be a tough sell for the cartel recruiters.  I bet they give out free keychain bottle openers.

Anna Nicole Smith's computer to be examined
Um, guys...that’s not a computer.  It’s a Speak & Spell duct-taped to an Etch-a-Sketch.