Spider-man 3: The Review

(and two other movies you don't really care about)

   If you’ve frequented this column for any length of time, you know I’m a comic book collector. Marvel fan. I’ve got about an $80 a month comic book habit. Sure, that’s expensive, but it’s better than smoking or drinking, right?

  Back when I was a kid, I was into comics for the art. Now I read them for the stories. Lot of good writers in comics these days. Former Hollywood screenplay writers, novelists, journalists.

  Apparently, the screenwriters for Spider-man 3 should’ve spent a little more time with their comic book counterparts, because the story and dialogue suck. Not that they were that much better in the prior two installments, but…

  At least the writers for the other two Spider-man films had impeccable comic book and/or screenwriting pedigrees. Sam Raimi, who’s directed all three of the films, and his brother wrote the screenplay for this one, and it shows.

  They don’t get the material. They don’t get the characters. They don’t get it. And that not getting it makes Spider-man 3 the worst of the trilogy. Which is saying something, as none of the movies are really any good.

  Before you accuse me of bias, let me tell you what I think of Spider-man. I think I probably buy four, maybe five Spider-man comics a month. The comics, generally speaking, are more about the life of Peter Parker as it’s affected by his being Spider-man. You could say it doesn’t make his life easier.

  Furthermore, Peter Parker isn’t a nerd in the comics. Sure, he started out that way, but he’s not anymore. He’s a smart guy. He’s married. He’s a science teacher. And he’s a smartass. When Spider-man triumphs over a villain in the comics, he does so with a mixture of smarts, toughness and acerbic wit.

  Spider-man in the movies is just a nerd with superpowers. He’s almost as much of a victim as the people he occasionally saves. He doesn’t wisecrack. He doesn’t even give of any sort of air of competency. It’s a hollow rendition of the real character.

  Look down your nose at comics if you want, but storytelling is storytelling, and if it’s a good story, the medium doesn’t matter. It’s usually the case that the book is better than the film. That applies here as well.

  I thought Spider-man 3 was awful. So awful I almost walked out of a free sneak preview. I’m sure the kids’ll still like it as it has the best special effects of the trilogy, but it’s a huge turd of a movie.

  Let’s get the “plot” out of the way before I get on with the crapping on of the movie.

  Peter (Tobey Maguire) is swimming along. Life is good. MJ (Kirsten Dunst) and Pete are a couple. He’s planning on asking her to marry him. She’s starring in a Broadway play. Oh, and all of New York loves Spider-man.

  Almost all of New York. Harry (James Franco) still blames Pete for killing his dad.

  And then there are the new bad guys. The first is Eddie Brock (Topher Grace). He’s a photographer and he’s after Pete’s job. And he’ll do pretty much whatever he has to. He becomes something else later in the movie.

  It has something to do with some kind of gooey alien lifeform that arrives via meteor. It just so happens to crash near where Pete and MJ are hanging out in one of Pete’s webs. When they leave, it hitches a ride on the back of Pete’s moped. Later, it’ll attach itself to his Spidey suit, turning it black and Pete into Emo Pete! The horror!

  Last is Flint Marko (Thomas Hayden Church). A prison escapee, he’s on the run. He’s not a bad guy, he’s just made one decision after another. The one that got him put in prison involved stealing money to pay for life-saving medical treatments for his daughter.

  While he’s on the run, he jumps a fence he shouldn’t, then falls in a hole full of sand that just happens to be hosting some sort of Top Secret experiment. He gets caught in the middle and turned into sand. He sets about using his new powers to get the money he didn’t get before.

  Okay, so you’ve got Pete, Harry, MJ, Eddie and Flint. Oh, and Gwen Stacy (Bryce Dallas Howard). She’s some girl in Pete’s class and the daughter of Captain Stacy (James Cromwell). He first saves her and then later uses her to make MJ jealous. She’s pretty much a non-character character, unlike in the comics.

  I know I keep referring to the comics. I understand the films don’t follow canon. But dammit, don’t mess with it if it isn’t broken.

  Okay, so the stage is set. You’ve got a boatload of characters, heroes and villains. Mix and serve. Which is about what they did.

  The film starts well, despite the bad dialogue. All’s well until the alien attaches itself to Pete’s suit, then the film turns corny and stupid. The alien symbiote amplifies the aggressive tendencies of its host, which turns Pete into Evil Pete, complete with emo hair and black mascara.

  It’s because of the alien’s influence over Pete that we get the Peter Parker jazz piano and dance number. You read that correctly. Apparently, Pete can play a piano like a jazz master and he can dance like Fred Astaire. He does this to make MJ jealous.

  And that that point, I almost walked out of the movie. What the hell, man? Why is there a freaking jazz dance number in the middle of a Spider-man movie?

  It’s just another of the things that Sam Raimi and his brother don’t get. They’ve made a mockery of what should’ve, could’ve been a good film franchise. Being based on a comic book doesn’t mean a movie should be silly (*see Batman Begins or V for Vendetta).

  What we end up with is a really, really expensive dumb movie that kids will love. They won’t love it because it’s good. They’ll love it because Spider-man is in it and it has pretty special effects.

  But don’t kid yourself. It’s awful. It’s not even the awful I can enjoy or recommend others to see. I wish this one would flop so we don’t have to watch another. I only hope we fare better with Pirates 3, Shrek 3, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and Transformers.

  Next.

  Yes, but next review, but also that’s the name of the movie. If you’d asked me last week which movie would suck more, Spider-man 3 or Next, I’d have said Next. I’d have been wrong. Not by much, but still wrong.

  I might have been kinder to Next had I seen it before Déjà Vu. As it was, I literally bought the Déjà Vu DVD the night before I watched Next, which was bad.

  I’ll try to give it its own space.

  Cris Johnson (Nicolas Cage) can see his future. Two minutes’ worth. He spends his nights working as a stage magician in Vegas, hiding his gift in the open, masking it in the guise of a cheap parlor trick.

  The only time he’s ever been able to see further than two minutes ahead of time involved a woman he’s never met. Then again, he knows he will.

  In the meantime, a Russian nuclear warhead has been smuggled into the country, and FBI agent Callie Ferris (Julianne Moore) believes Cris is the key to preventing it being detonated.

  Somehow the terrorists who plan on detonating the aforementioned bomb know of Cris as well. Both groups are after him and he just wants to meet the girl. The girl is Liz (Jessica Biel), and she’s just here as a romantic interest and plot device, not as a real character.

  He knows he’s going to get involved. He just needs to explore all his options, because as he likes to say, just looking at the future changes it.

  Next is a novelty movie. It began life as a sci-fi short story from Philip K. Dick and probably should’ve stayed that way. Most sci-fi short stories are created to get across a very specific idea. And most of them are crap (*see Sturgeon’s Law).

  There’s some decent action in Next and it’s kind of cool watching them apply Cris’s power to the story. Or at least Nic makes it look cool. But it seems like a dated movie somehow. Next is a ‘90s sci-fi/action movie that’s just coming out now. As such, it’s the equivalent of cinematic cotton candy. Pretty and sweet, but almost flavorless and definitely unfulfilling.

  But it’s still better than Spider-man 3. The only think Spidey 3 has over Next is prettier FX.

  Last up, we have the French thriller The Page Turner, and it was exquisitely subtle and it had exactly no special effects.

  As a young girl, Melanie (Deborah Francois) was an exceptional piano player. Her parents were butchers, and spent what they had to make sure she had the best in lessons.

  When the day came for her to audition to something like Julliard, Melanie seemed confident. She walked into the audition like she owned the place, sat down and began to play masterfully.

  About three-quarters of the way through the piece, a woman enters the room and begins talking to one of the judges, another woman named Ariane. Turns out the first woman is asking for Ariane’s autograph as she’s a famous pianist.

  Melanie is distracted by this and stops playing. She seemingly in shock that anyone would be so rude as to interrupt her. When she resumes playing, her confidence is shot. She botches the rest of the piece, and leaves angry. She knows her career as a pianist will never be.

  Years later, Melanie takes an internship at a law firm, which just so happens to be the firm where Ariane’s husband, Laurent, works. Through a series of events, Laurent hires Melanie to be the nanny to his and Ariane’s son, Tristan. Melanie will, of course, have to stay at their country house as its 25 miles outside of Paris.

  Once there, Melanie sets about inserting herself into the lives of Ariane and Tristan, and her motives are not pure or altruistic.

  Revenge is a dish best served cold, indeed.

  Easily my favorite of the three films I watched last weekend. The acting is subtle and nuanced. The story is nothing special, but there’s nothing wrong with it, either. It’s almost deceivingly slow, even though the film is just 85 minutes long.

  You know Melanie is going to get her revenge. You’re just not quite sure how she’s going to do it, and watching it play out like a slow-motion train wreck is awesome.

  There really wasn’t anything about it I didn’t like. Good stuff. Check it out at The Circle while you can.

  And that’s it. See you next week. Do yourself a favor and avoid Spider-man 3 if you can.