Da Rundown

Bush urges cut in emissions

And the breaking of the seventh seal draws nigh.

 
Justice's daughter gets probation for DUI
Scalia’s daughter. Drove drunk with three of her children.  Refused to take a sobriety test. Oh well, I’m sure we’d all get the same leniency regardless of who are daddies are.

 
Study: Female cheetahs sleep around
So Paris is a cheetah? I’m confused.

 
Arkansas court says schools are adequately funded

Just not adequately competent.

 
Planet-hunters find bonanza of new solar systems

Dum-dada-dum-dada-dum-dada-dum-dada dah daaaaaaaa!.

 
Dolphins have different 'accents'
North Jersey dolphin tells trainer to “Fuggin fahgetta about it.”

 
Special panda 'pushed' to death

Jersey dolphin alleges panda “tripped.”

 
Nigerian president hails successor
Yup. Nigeria’s most recent transfer of power was much smoother than our most recent. Kind of makes you proud.

 
3,000 Darfur refugees make 10-day trek

If you had 15,000 refugees, they could do it in 6 days.
Trek-Days = -(1/3000)*Refugees + 11 (From Schumer’s Mathematics of Genocide, 3rd Ed.)

 
Doomed GM plant is most productive
Sigh. Ford shuttered last year’s most productive plant. Now its GM’s turn.

 
Study spots gaps in Americans' diet, health IQ

Kwazy spots self-evident observation in Study.

 
Feds say top spammer arrested

Now we can go after Bin Laden!

 
Zoo: Rare rhino death leaves only 13 worldwide

No, no, no...she’s alive. She just left The View.