Da Roundup

Pregnant lady chases pirates at box office
Most doctors advise against pirate-chasing in third trimester.

TB patient insists he had Greek wedding
Can you give someone TB that way?

Berlin's culture club
Twas it East Berlin, it would be Commie Chameleon.

Cheering ban costs five students their H.S. diplomas
Pwned! Take that, popular kids!

Scientists report virgin shark birth
Behold! The Rapture is upon us!

Bookstore owner burns books in protest
Later, cuts of his own penis just to spite chick at Starbucks who turned down his offer of dinner and a movie.

Gorbachev to U.S.: Let's not repeat Cold War
Cheney to Gorbachev: “We will bury you! Er, oh shit…that was Kruschev’s line. Damn.”

The Google 'ick' factor
’ll give you a hint: New site called Spoogle.

Man: Drink Gave Me Permanent Erection
In other news, drinkmaker’s stock surges.

Ahead of Europe trip, Bush stresses U.S. compassion
In other news, ZZ Top members stress shaving.

'Monster pig' had a name: Fred
“His name is Robert Paulsen”

Able-bodied gamblers let it ride in Vegas
At no time, have I ever been more proud to be an American.

Paris Hilton checks into Los Angeles County jail
Jesus, you can forget that lottery thing. I’m cool now.