"Monsters be good...!!!"

That statement now has a new meaning to me, and has been permanently been burned into my subconscious after last night. The reason for that is I must have heard it 500 times over the course of 45 or so minutes. Why you’d ask? Well, last night came time to inaugurate our children into the realm of haunted houses with Halloween right around the corner. And in typical fashion, I don’t do anything half-assed, so we took them to one of the top-10 (per the Travel Channel) haunted houses in America, Terror Behind The Walls as the Eastern State Penitentiary.

 

The evening started with a 45 minute drive into downtown Philadelphia. After weaving through central city for a few minutes, you come to a central parking lot for the event, pay your $10 for the carload, and are directed to put your minivan into a slot for a Yugo. That completed, barely, and you offload and get into line for the Ghost Bus. A special trolley comes about every 10 minutes to shuttle participants over to the prison a few blocks away. During the ride, you get a tale of a local locksmith from the 1980s who reported to enter the prison (after having been closed and barred for over 10 years) and experienced visions of prisoners and rather…interesting occurrences. A nice start and preview of things to come.

 

As the trolley turned the corner, you see the penitentiary looming ahead of you, and it was awe inspiring. It is definitely out of place in the city. Small businesses and bars line the street opposite the prison, but there stands a decrepit, but towering mammoth of a structure. Unload and head to the ticket booths – all the while being accosted by prison guards in full makeup guiding the crowds and starting to get the blood flowing. Tickets are sold with 30-minute time frames associated with them, but fortunately it wasn’t an overly busy evening and we were able to get in ahead of our time slot.

 

The second you walk through front gates, there is no question in your mind that you are somewhere you really shouldn’t be at night. Or…shouldn’t be at all. And this is before even getting into the event. The setting is by far and away beyond anything that I could possibly imagine for a haunted house. The prison – built in 1829 - hasn’t been used in over 35 years, and it looks it. There was a short wait in line before taken through Intake – the entry point into the prison (and point where you get some short instructions … no cursing, don’t touch the prison or the actors, etc.).

 

From there, it’s into Lock Down, a walk through the cell blocks, and everything that you would imagine it would entail. I said it just above, and will say it again and again, what a location! Dark corridors, small viewports into actual cells, and more places where bad stuff can and would be happening than you can imagine. Some great effects in action, including an animatronic prisoner being racked and electrocuted…very, very cool.

 

From there, it was through the 13 Rooms. The tour takes you through the Kitchen, the Laundry Room, and … dum dumm duh dummm … the Morgue. More of the same…perfect conditions, well placed and staged effects and actors. More than a few spots where even my skin crawled. After that was The Experiment, a new 3-D area where you are given those funky glasses and work your way through a section painted with bizarre colors and unbelievable 3-D affects. Skulls and body parts seeming to literally grow from the actual walls, sections of the building moving where it shouldn’t be, all very well done.

 

Finally, and the part I was most anticipating, was the Night Watch. Here you are given a small LED flashlight to work your way through a section of the prison devoid of all other lighting. Deep shadows loomed everywhere, and as you’d expect more than a fair share of surprises around each and every corner.

 

Now, based on this description, you’d think I left scared out of my wits. Well, that’s the only disappointment of the evening, and where the blog title comes in. We chose to attend during one of the “Family Nights”, a few evenings when children under the age of 12 could tell the actors ‘Monsters be good’ and they will. My kids are 12, 10, and nearly 7, and were all unequivocally and unmistakably scared out of the minds within the first 20 feet of the first room. They quickly learned the magical phrase, and went through the rest of the event mumbling – or screaming – the statement again and again and again. All the actors were cool about it, and took it for what it was meant to do.

 

Now that sounds like we went in and tortured our kids. Well, yeah, sorta I guess I did. But I have absolute vivid memories of my first haunted house with my father, when I was riding on his shoulders and had a hand shoot out of the wall and grab my ankle. The ensuing terror, screaming, and crying – while traumatic at the time I’m sure – left a solid impression on me for the Halloween holiday and has made me love the time of the year. I can hope that the experience had the same effect on my kids. 

 

Looking forward into the future, I doubt … no, I know … my kids will ever want to go back, but I can see getting a group of parents together for a trip down there together for the full event, without the kids keeping us safe and sound. Given what I saw last night, it would be ONE HELL OF A RIDE.