But When I Get There, I Might Find Its Not For Me...

You lead me on the path
Keep showing me the way
I feel a little lost
A little strange today

I think I'll take a hold
Of whatever comes my way
Then we'll see what happens
Take it day by day

I though I had it all
I had it all worked out
Just what my future held
That there would be no doubt

But then the card came up
And I took another turn
But I don't know if it's
Fulfillment that I yearn

Weekend alone (what new?), so time for some contemplation/introspection. Some reflection back on the last 6 years of my life. Before I go any further, I just want to state that I know everyone has problems. Its tough for all of us, it really is, and I believe that its better to be grateful for what you have instead of bitching and whining about what you perceive to be wrong with your world. That said, shouldn't there be a time when enough is enough, and the shit stops?

Ever believe that you're leading a doomed existance? This is going to be a long-assed blog. You have been warned. I may break it up into parts or I may not, I dunno yet. Here we go:

7 years ago:

Me, living in a nice duplex (renting with the option to purchase) with a fiancee and her daughter, both of whom I loved dearly. A nice job making $40k plus with a multi-billion dollar international company. Nothing but upside.

6 years ago:

Me, still living in that nice duplex with the loving fiancee and daughter. At this point however, its been announced that my wonderful job is going away because the company that bought us (Unilever-those fuckers) were shutting down the Chicago plant. Also added to my life were 2 shoulder surgeries and several pounds of weight from not working out anymore. But hey, things would still be ok...right?

5 years ago:

3 months later my fiancee would be gone (still really don't know why), another 3 months later my job was gone, and shortly thereafter so was my home since I couldn't afford it. That was rough. So in my stupidity I thought it would be a good idea to move downstate closer to my son. So I took my severance, put most of it down on a piece of shit house downstate that had I been at least partially coherent I would never have considered, and with no job (several prospects lined up) I made a huge, HUGE mistake. Series of them, actually.

4 years ago:

All my job leads vanished. My resume was fantastic, to be honest...a who's who of warehousing. What did I get from the downstate yokels? Sorry, we don't have any supervisor positions open. Oddly enough, I was applying for a job as a forklift driver...I never said anything about supervisor. And then my personal favorite: Sorry, we can't afford to pay you what you made in Chicago. Um...nowhere on my resume does it list either salary history or salary requirements. Downstate Illinois (pretty much anywhere south of Lincoln Highway) is extremely predjudiced towards Chicago. Thats a fact.

But eventually I did get a job in a shitty warehouse for a shitty company, and as luck would have it I injured my shoulder on the job. The company, being downstate and apparently not governed by silly things like laws, tried forcing me to either quit "faking" my injury (MRI confirmed the injury, their doctor even said it was undoubtedly caused by the job I was performing) or just flat out quit. Over a span of 4 weeks they had me on all 3 shifts. I was told I could take off whenever I wanted to...in other words, they gave a fuck if I showed up. There were times I couldn't make it in...for example, heading out to work I discovered I had a flat tire. I was physically unable to change it myself and everyone I knew who could help was at work, so I couldn't make it in. They said no problem. Then I called off once during my shift juggling because I was falling asleep on the drive to work, which is not good, and I said fuck it and took a Friday off because I felt it was needed. No problem, we don't care. Then when I had a family court appointment...well, hold the phone! Thats too many absences! They told me if I missed that day (I had to be in Wheaton at 9am and was working 3rd shift at the time downstate...no way I could work and then make it up there in time) then I was fired. Well, I missed because I had to be there. Oddly enough, when I got home there was no message on the machine, no letter in the mailbox...nothing. So I showed up for work the next night. That was actually kinda funny. My 2 bosses on 3rd liked me and thought it was bullshit what HR and management were doing to me, so they got a huge kick out of me coming in. They saw me clock in and they were like...wtf? I thought you were fired! My response was that since no one actually fired me, as far as I was concerned I still had a job so there I was. Well, eventually one of the managers called about midnight about some load or another and heard me in the background, and my supervisor told him that I was there because no one had fired me. So the manager, over the phone, put me on indefinite suspension. Of course a few weeks later they officially terminated me, and then the fun really began.

I couldn't collect unemployment because I was unable to accept work if offered to me...I was injured. My doctor had been saying for months I needed surgery, and the company wouldn't approve it...so I couldn't get better until I had the surgery. So for 14 months I held out, barely, falling behind on every payment known to man until finally, when their insurance company couldn't delay any further, they approved the surgery. So at that point I got back comp and got caught up a bit, but then they fucked around with my therapy and it got delayed almost a year. Yes, thats right...almost a year. Fortunately I had been through the shoulder surgery route before, and because there were no major repairs made, I knew enough about what kind of rehab I needed to do a makeshift program myself. It helped some, but I have about 70% usage of my left shoulder anymore.

Tell me what you can hear
And then tell me what you see
Everybody has a different way
To view the world

I would like you to know
When you see the simple things
To appreciate this life
It's not too late to learn

Don't want to be here
Somewhere I'd rather be
But when I get there
I might find it's not for me

So in the meantime, I still needed a job. I did some odd job stuff for a friend of mine down there to help at least keep the electricity turned on, but that wasn't going to cut it long-term, obviously. So amidst the advice (read: insistance) of family and friends, I loaded up the truck (Neon) and moved to Beverly (back to Chicago). So basically I forfeited on the house and the roughly $20k I had invested in it. I knew that was an even worse decision than the one I made to move downstate originally.

See, me and my family...lets just say its not good. Never was. Abusive, hateful, confrontational...and that was on good days. My old man was never a big fan of me. I used to tell my one friend that I'd known since grade school that he was the son my old man never had. Everything I did? Wrong. When I used to work out and was in great shape, I got shit for not finishing college (you're stupid and uneducated) and was accused of being on steroids. I was also accused at various times of being in trouble with the police. Both those accusations are completely untrue, in case you were wondering. And then after I screwed up my shoulders and had to quit working out and put on weight? I was fat. And stupid, and uneducated. See how that goes? There's a whole list of other things I won't go into, like the drunken beatings I would suffer as a child and so forth. Just take my word on the fact our relationship was very, very bad...ok?

So most of my contact over this time was with my mother. My old man never had 2 words for me, you could feel the scorn in the air when we were in the same house let alone the same room. "Why don't you visit more often", my mother would ask. Heh, why indeed...but I digress...so most of my contact was with her. She was always trying to get me to move back up there, but I was convinced I could make this work down there. I had invested so much, and I'm pretty stubborn so I kept at it. Then my friend, he would give me the same speech. So when I would throw out the $64 question of "Where would I stay until I got back on my feet?" their answer was always consistent...with the other party. My mom would say with my friend, my friend would say with my parents. Hell and no to both of those.

But after hearing that speech enough times, and after enduring one misadventure after another, eventually you give in.

2 years ago:

Long story short (way too late, I know) it all went south pretty fast. I had told everyone involved that it was a bad idea. There was a huge confrontation with the family, my son got involved, I got him uninvolved as fast as I could, and we left. Well, we were thrown out but its semantics at that point. Want to know what the major issue was that caused everything? I went to do a load of laundry. Yep. The old man cut me off on the way to do a load, asked me what the hell I was doing. I told him a load of laundry. He told me to go to the laundromat. I reminded him that I was out of work and had no money, so that wasn't a realistic option. Plus I also mentioned that "mom" had said it was ok. Well, the shit hit the fan. I'm not kidding either, over doing a load of fucking laundry. Haven't talked to them since, its been 2 years.

Oh, and keep in mind that all during this shit going on? All those wonderful, wacky escapades with my exwife. That was always a constant I could fall back on...her bullshit. And I bring her up because I have to mention that over all these years, my family hated her. Hell, they hated her when we were married which didn't help things. One of the reasons she cited for leaving me was that she was afraid I was going to become like my old man. But within months of the laundry incident, all of a sudden they're best friends with my ex. Their one thing in common? A healthy hatred of me, apparently. Its too surreal to put into words. To be honest, I kind of chuckle at it...its pathetic, and it shows what all parties involved are about. So after various incidents where they used my son to fuck with me (with the help of my ex), I put a stop to all of it.

Now, on to my friend. We had agreed that we would do the roomie thing for up to 18 months, to give me a chance to get employed and get some money together. I was hoping for a year, but we figured lets build in a buffer zone just to be safe. I offered him money once I got my settlement from the injury, offered to pay rent or at least let me pay utilities. No no, he insisted...just save your money. Well, as my "luck" would have it...my exwife got most of my settlement. How? When I was out of work I didn't apply for an abatement of support. I had NO IDEA you were supposed to do that. When I got unemployment I had them take support out. I didn't know that when I was hurt and out of work I needed to abate the order or the meter kept running. Well, run it did. By the time I found out it was way too late. I told the judge that hey, I wasn't working...I didn't know. Oh well, the system says you owe...so motherfucker, you owe. And just like that, the state emptied my bank account. Man I was pissed. Still am steamed over it, to be honest.

So eventually I get a job as a temp. Not bad for a temp gig, $12/hr and easy work...but hardly the situation to strike out on your own with. So after 5 weeks of me working as a temp, my "friend" hits me with "I can't do this anymore, I need my privacy, you have to go".

Are you fucking kidding me? You should have thought about that before you came up with this idea. Basically he was blaming the fact he didn't have a girlfriend on the fact that I was living there in his place. Nevermind the fact he had gone 3 years since his last girlfriend, 3 years that I was nowhere near the place. But I think he was a closet homsexual and his desire to get boned up the ass by his one buddy overwhelmed him. I would come home from work at night and they would be in his bedroom, door locked, supposedly playing PC games. But the noises I heard coming from there...lets just say I've never made them when playing BF2.

So now I gotta get out. I found a roommate online, which was a disaster. But in the meantime I got hired on fulltime at my current job and eventually got my own place. So thats all good right? Things are looking better. Then I get offered an office position on first shift, because they wanted someone who could be the office lead and they thought it could be me. Wow, things are finally getting better.

Ha.

Tell me what you can hear
And then tell me what you see
Everybody has a different way
To view the world

I would like you to know
When you see the simple things
To appreciate this life
It's not too late to learn

Don't want to be here
Somewhere I'd rather be
But when I get there
I might find it's not for me

4 months ago:

I wind up in the ER with a case of gout in my ankle that was the most painful thing I'd ever experienced in my life. I stuck it out at work though, because the other woman in the office was unreliable and on vacation anyway, so I wasn't about to miss work. I hobbled around before I went to the ER, and then on crutches for another week after. Shortly thereafter my bosses tell me I'm doing a great job (there's another blog about this around here somewhere, from a few months back), its exactly what they hoped to get from me.

2 months ago:

I miss my first ever days at work with the herniated disc fiasco, featuring an ambulance ride to the ER. When I get back I'm on a healthy dosing program of oxycontin, which affected my moods and personality a great bit. I wasn't a raging dick or anything, but I can't tell you how many times I was asked "whats wrong?" by my bosses. Nothing is wrong man, I'm in pain and doped up. My doctor was more than happy to give me a couple months off, but with this other woman's impending maternity leave there was no way I was taking off. I am a dedicated employee, but I also wanted to show exactly how reliable I was and that I was best suited for this promotion.

And since then? Well, the other full-time woman is conniving piece of shit. Her old man used to be a VP in the company until he died a few years back, and those who worked with her then tell me that any time she wanted a new job or promotion she called daddy and got it. Problem is daddy isn't around anymore, and to be honest she's a fucking moron. Seriously, she has no leadership skills, no dedication, limited system knowledge, suffers from raging stupidity, and is generally a pain in the ass. So when I was brought up front I was told by all my bosses at all levels to expect trouble from her, because she felt she should be promoted. Problem was, and this is their words, she was an idiot and they couldn't rely on her, so they needed to get someone else in there. But I should definitely "expect friction". Yeah great. How about backing me up though?

So a few months ago I decided to burn my last couple vac days before this woman went on leave. Meantime I was going through one of this lady's little high school atmosphere days and wasn't all too thrilled about it. Combine that with the oxycontin, and I wasn't in the best of moods. So when I turn in my vac request form (which I had told my bosses a month earlier I intended to do), my boss again asks me...whats wrong, you look down? Well...I just said nothing, nothing worth mentioning. Just sign the paperwork and let me turn it in to the manager. But he pressed and wanted to know what was bugging me.

Now I will grant, that with the effects of the medication there were many times I had trouble putting together coherent thoughts, let alone complete sentences. This was one of those times. Now, my boss is currently in a snit about being underpaid and being forced to assume duties outside of his job description, and not get paid for them. To be honest, he's right...he's worth probably close to double what they're paying him. But he's been in a shit mood the last couple months, and this conversation took place in the midst of that shit mood.

So I tried to stammer out what I was pissed about and couldn't quite emphasize any details. At this point he flies off the handle, escorts me out of his office telling me "sorry, wish I could help you but I can't". My response? "Hey man, I never asked for your help...you asked me what was going on, so I told you". At that point he told me that that was it; I had been given a chance to step up and never took it. WHAT???? I have basically run that department for him, made the major decisions, handled ALL the system problems that occured while he was on vacation...he didn't get a single fucking phone call while he was off because I took care of everything...and this other woman did NOTHING. All she did was comment to me several times that "I'm glad its you doing this and not me", and then her comments of "Tom will handlie it, he always does" seem to add a bit to this as well. But I never stepped up? I NEVER STEPPED UP??? Oh man, that was the worst possible fucking thing he could have ever said to me. The worst.

Now up to this point I had been told that once this woman goes on leave, I was getting promoted. The idea was not to upset her because she's in her 40s and pregnant. I had no problem with that because I didn't want anything bad like that to happen to her, even though I overall wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire. Guess what? Her last day was this past Wednesday.

Now since that little blowup my boss has done some other curious things, but one thing he has said a few times is that he had been in a real bad mood because of the salary thing, and it made him say some things he wouldn't normally say. Yeah, thats nice. Not gonna cut it though, junior. Now I won't lie...this pissed me off a ton. But I have bills to pay, so I got over it quickly and put on a happy face and just immersed myself in my work. There's spreadsheets to be created, ya know.

So the afternoon of halloween I was in his office going over month-end numbers (like normal - I am involved in budget reconcilliations...good thing I don't step up, right?) and he comments to me that its good to have the old me back. I commented that the old me was here all along, he was just buried under some fucked up meds. I had since had my prescription changed and have been taking something else. So then he made a mention of me having been a whiney bitch. Yeah, not a good thing. So at that point I calmly stated to him that he had said some things that need to be addressed in the near future. Not necessarily now, but soon. I told him that I understand that I was unable to properly communicate an answer to a question he asked, but I felt his response was completely inappropriate and needed to be discussed.

He really didn't say anything or express an emotion one way or another, just kind of sized me up as we talked and then we went back to business.

Don't want to be here
Somewhere I'd rather be
But when I get there
I might find it's not for me

Don't know what I want
Or where I want to be
I'm feeling more confused
The more the days go by

So where does this leave me now? For starters, I absolutely hate my job. I hate going in every morning, and can't wait for 4:30 to roll around so I can leave. It didn't used to be like that. One duty I've assumed is communication and organization of all our pertinent numbers every month (and for the year) via Excel. I have a whopper of a spreadsheet I've spent the last few weeks perfecting for 2008, every working day of next year accounted for, every formular in every cell in place, and all the graphs ready to be populated by the data. Mmmm, Excel. Again, this is not part of my job description. But since I've created this spreadsheet (and the one used by receiving monthly) the data has been mailed monthly to all leads, supervisors, and members of management outside of our facility. Last year they had to spend weeks digging through file cabinets to get the information for the year. I've tracked and condensed it daily and have saved dozens if not hundreds of man hours by creating these spreadsheets.

Anyway, so what does my future career hold? To be honest, I have no fucking clue. I'm expecting to get fucked over at this point, so I've basically decided that if that is indeed the case, they can put my ass back in receiving on second shift where they found me and quit wasting my time. And that will be exactly what I say to them. I've held up my end of the bargain, its time for them to hold up theirs. I would rather go back to 2nd shift and work with people who treat you like an adult and deal with you straight than all this political bullshit I've gone through this year. If they're not going to pay me for it, fuck it. Plus once my back heals up being on 2nd shift will make it easier for me to look for a new job. Buy I'm going to wait it out until the Monday after Thanksgiving, thats my plan. At that point, if nothing is presented to me, I will go to my boss with the fact he told me I'd get promoted after she went on leave...and at that point it will be almost 3 weeks since, so whats the deal? And like I said, I expect some song and dance bullshit.

But you know what kills me? Some of their other leads absolutely suck. One guy got his SAP account revoked because he hadn't logged into it for 4 fucking months!!! FOUR MONTHS!! He's the SHIPPING LEAD! Another lead was fucking one of his temps (a BIG no-no) and not only got busted cause he was fucking her, but he got her pregnant as well. I don't need to go into the disaster that could have caused for management. But these guys are A-OK in the eyes of management these days, I'm the dick apparently. I should also add that not only do I help provide direction and growth/evolution for my department, but shipping and inventory personnel come to me on a regular basis with problems that I solve regularly. But I haven't stepped up.

And oh yeah, that shiney new mega-spreadsheet I've developed for next year? Will be deleted if I get fucked. Let the nutjob on maternity leave make one for them. Fuck, she can't even figure out how to USE spreadsheets let alone make them.

So yeah, life has been fun. All this in addition to the other stuff I've been blogging about with my exwife assaulting me and so forth, me hardly getting to see my kid, and the poor health I've been in. Life is fun indeed.

Still here? Treat yourself to a cookie. And a stiff drink. And thanks for reading.

<video for the song Different World: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgLuMQnnBKs >