Dissapointing yourself...

Everyone at some point, usually during down time, has an opportunity to take a step back and evaluate their life. Where they are, the good and the bad...all that.
Well over the weekend I did some evaluating of my existence. I'm sure part of it was out of boredom, the other was more than likely the hydrocodone.

The down-side to a self evaluation is that we are our own worst enemy. We judge ourselves harsher than we would anyone else. And we expect the most out of ourselves. Well after some tearing down and digging and more tearing. I can't say I'm happy with the results. Though are any of us really ever happy with ourselves 100%?

I've let myself down and came to a realization that I had given up on my dreams without really thinking about it. Ever since I was little I wanted to make movies. My grandfather is to blame for that. He and his buddy used to make short cowboy/spaghetti western films for fun. He just enjoyed the process of film making. And he passed that love of it onto me.

And since then I've always wanted to make a movie. Good or bad...something that I could call my own and say I did before I die. Every time I've tried or even came close to starting, something would happen to pull me away. Family or otherwise.

And lately my grandfather has been calling and asking me if I had any film ideas. He's retired and has alot more free time on his hands...and I think he wants to make a good film too before he passes.

But nothing I've ever started I've been able to finish. Theres always been a short cut, or excuse, or a stint of laziness that ends up killing my spark & inspiration. I've got piles of ideas and stories, novels, artwork and other things that I've given up on and set aside.

I'm good at starting things....but horrible at making things happen to keep projects going. Right now in my dads garage is a half-built custom arcade joystick and 2 Nerf guns I was altering for sci-fi props to sell on Ebay. I got them primed....but thats it.

Its depressing. I look at all these unfinished things and wonder how in the hell am I ever gonna amount to anything or make it anywhere if I can never finish what I start. The only place I can finish things is at work...and thats because I have to.

Other than my girlfriend and family...I am not happy with my life or where I am. And I'm not in a position to change things right now because of my lack of funds and job situation.

I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself...and I'm trying to be realistic. How can I still accomplish at least some of the things I want to do while trying to move and get more financially stable?

I end up overwhelming myself and giving up on everything...which is something I've been trying hard to work on...but it seems like I never really get anywhere.

- Gatsu OUT