Kwazy
Shared on Mon, 01/07/2008 - 18:57I've never been the greatest at getting bills payed on time. My crowning moment of glory came in 1997 when I picked up my landline to hear no dial tone. Well, fuck you GTE, I've got a cell. Dialed a number on the cell and was immediately connected to Sprint's customer service. I just dropped the phone, shot my hands in the air, and danced around like Rocky after he climbed all those steps. That's right, two separate companies severing my communication abilities the very same day. Sad part is, I'd plenty of scratch in the checking account...I just hadn't gotten around to paying bills in a while. Evidently quite a while.
Three years later, whilst in the midst of picking up the smoldering pieces after my first marriage (huh, I could have sworn marriage was spelled "marraige"...shows what I know) crashed and burned like a Chinese-made attack helicopter, I discovered that my she-beast ex-wife, whom had been handling the bills, had really been up to no good. Seems she was inadvertently funding a Nicaraguan presidential coup attempt via cash and gifts lavished upon a freedom-fighter-come-landscaper named Ruiz. The fact that she was also humping him served only to rub salt in the wounds, but that's not really relevant, thank you. With my bank account in complete disarray, I realized I was going to have to finally grow up with regard to fiscal responsibility.
Though the ghost of Che Guevara still haunts me for slamming the door shut on Ruiz's revolution, my finances are in tip-top shape. Go me! I get my bills paid on time and keep everything neatly recorded in Quicken. Except last month. You see, I always seem to get one or two rogue bills that' lay around in wait to show up the day after I pay the rest of them. Last month, it was American Express. The only reason I have this card is that they offered me one of those ludicrous "3% interest rate until the balance is paid off" deal. Anytime someone is going to loan me money for less than the cost of inflation, I'm jumping on it like it's a mime and I'm wearing baseball cleats.
So I sat down at my desk for bill-pay round#2 for the month and find that the AmEx was due the day before. Shit. Shit-fuck. Shit-fuck-shit. I call their automated payment system and make the payment, which is debited from my checking account and posted immediately. I relaxed, knowing that they certainly wouldn't break one off in my ass for having a payment one day late, right? Wrong. I get my bill today and have a slight heart attack when I note that I've been not only charged a $38 late fee, but that also they've jacked the interest rate up to...I'm not fucking around here...29.49%. This must be fixed, or someone will die.
I dial the customer service number and of course get the automated phone system. I've always thought trying to navigate these things was akin to trying to do a Sudoku puzzle by having someone read the numbers to you. Well, I'm good at Sodoku and eventually get to talk to a living, breathing, and impeccably polite guy named Asim. And lest you think me dull, the irony of talking to some guy from India about an account with a company named "American" Express was not lost on me. Asim and I hit it off grandly. I started the conversation off by telling him that I think that Pakistanis...in general, mind you...suck balls (it's always good to butter these guys up, just in case they have the power to actually help you). Asim whole heartedly agreed with this, and we were dancing. Late fee and finance charges are refunded immediately. He also reset the interest rate on purchases back to the nominal rate. I pointed out that this was all good and fine, but the cheddar of the situation lay with the balance transfer percent. "Well, Mr. Kwazy, I'll have to have someone review that and get back to you," he says. I tell him to go ahead and get it started, and I'd wait on the line. Five minutes of Kenny G. later, and I happy as a Baptist at a book-burning.
All and all, a fairly simple procedure. It pains me to think about how many people get screwed by this type of thing. I had the money to pay off the card immediately if they hadn't done the right thing, but many people wouldn't necessarily either be able to do the same or would have even called in the first place. American Express, as well as their competitors, want you to be that guy. I'm all for eating the rich, always have been. And credit card company executives taste like chicken.
Three years later, whilst in the midst of picking up the smoldering pieces after my first marriage (huh, I could have sworn marriage was spelled "marraige"...shows what I know) crashed and burned like a Chinese-made attack helicopter, I discovered that my she-beast ex-wife, whom had been handling the bills, had really been up to no good. Seems she was inadvertently funding a Nicaraguan presidential coup attempt via cash and gifts lavished upon a freedom-fighter-come-landscaper named Ruiz. The fact that she was also humping him served only to rub salt in the wounds, but that's not really relevant, thank you. With my bank account in complete disarray, I realized I was going to have to finally grow up with regard to fiscal responsibility.
Though the ghost of Che Guevara still haunts me for slamming the door shut on Ruiz's revolution, my finances are in tip-top shape. Go me! I get my bills paid on time and keep everything neatly recorded in Quicken. Except last month. You see, I always seem to get one or two rogue bills that' lay around in wait to show up the day after I pay the rest of them. Last month, it was American Express. The only reason I have this card is that they offered me one of those ludicrous "3% interest rate until the balance is paid off" deal. Anytime someone is going to loan me money for less than the cost of inflation, I'm jumping on it like it's a mime and I'm wearing baseball cleats.
So I sat down at my desk for bill-pay round#2 for the month and find that the AmEx was due the day before. Shit. Shit-fuck. Shit-fuck-shit. I call their automated payment system and make the payment, which is debited from my checking account and posted immediately. I relaxed, knowing that they certainly wouldn't break one off in my ass for having a payment one day late, right? Wrong. I get my bill today and have a slight heart attack when I note that I've been not only charged a $38 late fee, but that also they've jacked the interest rate up to...I'm not fucking around here...29.49%. This must be fixed, or someone will die.
I dial the customer service number and of course get the automated phone system. I've always thought trying to navigate these things was akin to trying to do a Sudoku puzzle by having someone read the numbers to you. Well, I'm good at Sodoku and eventually get to talk to a living, breathing, and impeccably polite guy named Asim. And lest you think me dull, the irony of talking to some guy from India about an account with a company named "American" Express was not lost on me. Asim and I hit it off grandly. I started the conversation off by telling him that I think that Pakistanis...in general, mind you...suck balls (it's always good to butter these guys up, just in case they have the power to actually help you). Asim whole heartedly agreed with this, and we were dancing. Late fee and finance charges are refunded immediately. He also reset the interest rate on purchases back to the nominal rate. I pointed out that this was all good and fine, but the cheddar of the situation lay with the balance transfer percent. "Well, Mr. Kwazy, I'll have to have someone review that and get back to you," he says. I tell him to go ahead and get it started, and I'd wait on the line. Five minutes of Kenny G. later, and I happy as a Baptist at a book-burning.
All and all, a fairly simple procedure. It pains me to think about how many people get screwed by this type of thing. I had the money to pay off the card immediately if they hadn't done the right thing, but many people wouldn't necessarily either be able to do the same or would have even called in the first place. American Express, as well as their competitors, want you to be that guy. I'm all for eating the rich, always have been. And credit card company executives taste like chicken.
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Comments
Submitted by Kwazy on Tue, 01/08/2008 - 18:31
Submitted by GIJoeBob on Mon, 01/07/2008 - 20:55
Submitted by NewBoyX on Mon, 01/07/2008 - 21:53
Submitted by nomodifier on Mon, 01/07/2008 - 22:31
Submitted by NotStyro on Mon, 01/07/2008 - 22:37
Submitted by microscent on Tue, 01/08/2008 - 10:22