A Geeks Guide to Gamers - Part 1

The world "classifies" us. They taunt and mock us. They place us in a category and label us....as "Gamers". They consider us nerds. Geeks, if you will. And for the most part, well, they couldn't be more right. But the term gamer reaches so many sublevels, that no two gamers are alike (like snowflakes or coldsores). Whether you are in constant pursuit of digital blood, looking for a way to beat a puzzle, grinding to unlock armor for your Dark Elf, trying to put up 72 on a virtual Baltimore Ravens squad, or simply propelling hookers through your windshield by driving 100 miles an hour into a concrete barrier, we all differ greatly. Some fit squarely into one category. Some of us cross-pollinate some or all of the gaming groups. But gaming is becoming the mainstream. Our games outsell movie premiers. Our grandmothers virtual bowl. Our children learn the delight of sticking a glowing blue grenade to someone. So I decided to create a little guideline to help you identify yourself and the complete strangers you are playing with. Because if we can't categorize each other, how else are we going to subjugate and ridicule the other groups? This is A Geeks Guide to Gamers. And this is Part 1.

Preface

Let me start by saying, I AM going to fuck this up. I am going to miss a group of people or misuse a term. I'm going to leave something or someone out, and if that is the case, you weren't important enough to be included. Also, I'm going to try and focus on the types of people that play certain games or game types, not so much the games themselves. So don't get all pissy because I didn't talk about Guitar Hero, even though we all know how awesome you are at it. Fact of the matter is, there are subcategories of the subcategories of the certain gaming genre's, and it's way too much to get into. I'm just not as big of a nerd as you, so let's leave it at that. I will also do my best to make fun of as many people as possible. Onward.....

Part One - One Game to Rule Them All: This section is about those that dedicate their lives to one game or franchise only. They are dedicated, competitive, egotistical, and most of the time they are complete fucking jerkoffs.

• The Madden-ite - We all know this fucking joker. You usually see him roaming around Gamestop's come late July. That means Madden is on the horizon, and it is time again to dominate. With his off-kilter hat and baggy pants, he is blacker than Chris Rock in his mind, and whiter than Kris Kringle's beard in his heart. He lives for sports games, particularly Madden, because other video games are for fucking dorks, and he is no dork (at least that is what he thinks). This is the cocksucker that you see on "Madden Nation" when you are flipping through the channels and he is getting handed a check for $100,000, and you throw up in your mouth a little. It's a shame too, because if the asshole gave any other games a chance, he'd probably enjoy them. Well known to fucking quit if you are beating them with 30 seconds left in the 4th quarter. Age range: 15-30

• The Halo-er - Slightly more deplorable than the Maddenite, and certainly more vocally annoying, the Haloer eats, sleeps, breathes, and shits all things Halo. They won't shut the fuck up. Period. They talk about Halo, how great they are at Halo, how Halo is the best game ever created, how they would let themselves be penetrated by Master Chief. And most of the time they are talking about this WHILE they are playing Halo. Halo, Halo, FUCKING HALO. I am honestly deeply grateful to Bungie for adding the mute feature to this game, or I never would play it. Now mind you, there are people that play online that are super fucking annoying no matter what game they are playing, but none is greater in assholedness (new word) than the Haloer. Also known to be a whiny piece of shit quitter when they are losing. Age range: 5 (if I go by voice pitch) - 100.

• The Console Fanboy - Holy fucking shit, I don't know anyone who likes these people. Although they don't fit into the game or franchise mold of this section, they certainly belong here. Their steadfast dedication to the console of their choosing is only outdone by their propensity to fucking tell everyone about it. And if you don't own or play that console, well then you are the fucking anti-christ. They tend to gather in bunches on message boards, usually on the ones dedicated to the console that they don't even fucking own, just so they can tell you what an asshole you are because you play the XBOX 360 instead of the Playstation 3. It happens for no good reason other than they want to think that they bought the best, most awesomest system available. And the second their insecurity kicks in, and they don't feel that way anymore, they go on the attack. I don't get it. It's not like they get paid to play that console!! They don't work for Sony do they? It's not just the Playstation either......Console Fanboy's have existed for all systems since Atari vs. Colecovision. As long as there is a rival system, Console Fanboy's will spawn. The best way to shut up a Console Fanboy is to tell them that you own all 3 of the major systems, and maybe if their Mom didn't spend all her hard earned tips on smack and herpes medication, then they might have the pleasure of owning them all too. Actually, it's probably best just to ignore these fuckers. Age Range: Infinite.

that's it for Part One. I'll get around to Part 2 in a few days.