Men are pigs.

Public Service Announcement: Incoming rant of no real use other than keeping Balek from going postal at work. Read at your own risk.

Maybe the title isn't quite right. "Men at my office, on my floor, using the same bathroom I do are fucking disgusting pigs" might have worked better, but was too long. Having just gone into the can to take a leak after lunch, I encountered not one, not two, not three....FIVE serious restroom faux pas from the dickheads here in the office. I don't know what just made them all so evident and revolting, but it hit me like a sledgehammer in the face. So rather than tearing each and every dude on this half of the 2nd floor a new asshole or posting some condescending memo on the bathroom door, I'll let it out here in good 'ol 2o2p therapy and hope to feel better afterwards.

#1. The courtesy flush - USE IT! I'm not expecting the mens room to smell like the Rose Garden, but for the love of God I should be able to open the door and walk in without getting smashed with a wave of stink that rivals decomposing road kill. If you're taking a dump, and can smell it yourself, then damnit assume everyone else can too and get rid of it! We're all old enough to resist the urge to save it until we're done so we can examine with some sick pride the loaf we just made.

#2. Don't try to piss from 10 feet away from the urinal! I have to rely on deductive reasoning for this, because if you have half the common sense God gave a garden slug, then you know how close you need to stand so you don't leave half your piss on the fucking floor! I can't be the only guy on this planet who doesn't relish in the idea of standing in a pool of another guys piss. I just can't be! Don't worry - none of you are hung like an elephant and have to worry about your junk hitting the porcelain. If you did, then you wouldn't be working in here and would be nailing some porn star for money. If I can take a leak without messing the floor, so can you!

#3. If I find out who laid out a snot rocket on the wall, I will personally save the rest of the gene pool and castrate you with a PaperMate #2 pencil. Nuff said.

#4. I'm no plumber, but there isn't anything wrong with the sink, so why the fuck does it look like a Vencian fountain went off around it?!? Thank God I didn't wear a tie to work, because if I did there would be no fucking way it wouldn't drape all over the mess you dickless wonders made of the counter. It's simple - turn on water, wash hands with soap ... I know you ain't, so don't pretend - and then get a paper towel while pretending your a fucking doctor! You've seen it too ... bend those elbows, hands up routine. You can do it. If you can't, staple your hands to your keyboard and stay in your fucking cube.

and

#5. It doesn't take Kobe Bryant to get the paper towels into the waste bin! Jesus Christ, I've seen New York City subway stations with a cleaner floor than we have here. Are you too stupid to be able to understand the trash goes IN the trash can, or just too lazy (or unable) to bend at the waist to pick the shit up? I know...probably both.

Ok...that's enough...it's done, it's over. /rant

For those who made it through all that, I'm sorry. Here's something to make it up to ya', in honor of tomorrow's opening of The Incredible Hulk.