Something a bit lighter

Yesterday's blog was a bit depressing. Levity today was both requested and in order. So without further ado I present an email sent by my mother from a resort in Cancun. They are there in celebration of their 39 wedding anniversary. Not quite sure why they didn't wait until the big 4-0 for such a trip, but hey...try reasoning with parents. Astute observers might also make note from which I receive my predilection towards distilled spirits.

Here it is, word for word. Not even the names have been changed to protect the innocent:

DEAREST CHILDREN, YOUR FATHER AND I ARRIVED SAFELY TO THIS STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN. WE MADE ALL OF THE RIGHT CONNECTIONS WITH A MINIMAL OF DISCOMFORT. THE RESORT IS UNBELIEVABLE WITH JUST ABOUT EVERY AMENITY ONE COULD ASK FOR. THE LANGUAGE BARRIER HAS BEEN A BIT OF A PROBLEM BUT I HAVE FOUND THAT MIXING MY FRENCH AND ITALIAN HAS HELPED A LOT!! WE WERE HERE LESS THAN SIX HOURS AND YOUR FATHER SMASHED HIS HAND IN BETWEEN THE SLIDING GLASS DOORS IN OUR SUITE. NEEDLESS TO SAY, HE HAD IMBIBED IN SOME BOOZE AND WASNT PAYING ATTENTION! I WANTED HIM TO HAVE STITCHES BUT HE SAID NO. WE DID SEE THE DOCTOR THE FOLLOWING DAY AND HE SAID THAT IT COULD HAVE USED A FEW STICHES. HE IS ON AN ANTIBIOTIC which thank goodness i had brought from home. That same nite, I SLIPPED ON A STEP IN A RESTAURANT AND FELL FLAT ON MY FACE, ONLY MESSING UP MY KNEE. I THINK THE DOCTOR AND SECURITY PEOPLE WERE TIRED OF US BY THIS TIME. WE HAVE HAD NO FURTHER MISHAPS AND ARE ENJOYING THE COMPANY OF JOYCE AND BILL. ABOUT EIGHTY PERCENT OF THE PATRONS HERE ARE UNDER 40 AND HAVING A HELL OF A TIME. THEY HAVE EMBRACED OUR FUN BEINGS!!! I DID WATER AEROBICS THIS MORING AND THE CLASS WAS ALMOST AN HOUR LONG!! I HAD TO DO THE ENTIRE THING SO THEY WOULDN'T THINK I WAS AN OLD FART. YOUR FATHER IS ACTUALLY LOOSENING UP A BIT, WELL SORT OF FOR HIM. HE WENT INTO THE OCEAN TODAY BUT DIDN'T GET HIS FINGER WET. IT IS HIS MIDDLE FINGER SO HE ENJOYS HOLDING IT UP FOR PEOPLE TO SEE. WE ARE GOING TO GET COUPLES' MASSAGES TOMORROW AND DAD ONLY AGREED TO IT CAUSE I PROMISED I WOULDN'T TALK DURING IT. OUR SUITE IS GORGEOUS AND IT DIDN'T TAKE DAD TOO LONG TO FIGURE OUT THERE ARE ACTUAL PORNO STATIONS ON THE 42 INCH TV SET!!! HE IS A SICK GUY!!! EATING ITALIAN TONITE AND GOING TO RETRO NITE FOR ENTERTAINMENT. MOST OF THE YOUNG PEOPLE HERE ARE SNOCKERED ALL DAY LONG. AND MOST OF THE GIRLIES HAVE BOUGHT BOOBI ES!!! BETTER GET GOING SO I CAN TAKE MY NAP. SORRY FOR THE SPELLING AND CAPS, BUT THEIR PUTERS ARE SOMEWHAT DIFFERENT THAN OURS. LOVE YOU BUNCHE!! xxxxx

Postscript: It should be noted that Momma Kwazy hasn't had a conversation in French since high school, and the only Italian she knows stems from being cursed at by my grandmother while helping out in the kitchen as a child.