Why I'm Retarded

This is a repeat. But since it’s been a consistent repeat for me over the last 8.5 years, I’ll ask again: why the hell don’t children get sick during the day?

 

Wednesday both the Mrs. and I start coming down with colds. Bfd. Wednesday, we tucked ourselves in around 11. By midnight, our 2 year old is pissed off, we had no idea why. Child was placed in bed between us where she kicked, floped, and did her Tasmanian devil imitation for hours. I became aware of a commotion around 2 am that involved fast moving footsteps coupled with a guttural non-human noise. The noise was followed by a splashing sound, followed by my wife’s sweet voice saying “get me a fucking towel . . . . . . . and a fucking bucket”. I slipped in a wetness coating the floor in the bedroom hallway on my way to fulfill my duties, but still managed to remain on my feet. Good times.

 

The bucket was used at 2:30, 3, 3:45, and 5. The best stint of sleep we had was from 5-6:30. I became one of the walking retarded. I was unfit to drive. So I went to work. It sucked.

 

Last night I fell asleep on the couch and stayed there. Over the course of the night I was aware of other guttural noises, sippy cups being filled, buckets being drained and cleaned. I woke up, late for the 3rd grade, in the same exact position in which I fell asleep. Today I feel better, only mildly retarded. I’m considering some Natty goodness.