GANGSTA TV ITEMS

Universal Firearm Remote

This 9mm semi-automatic-styled clicker slides snugly beneath elastic waistbands for quickdraw access and features a detachable lithium-ion magazine, posi-lock channel changer and safety mode to prevent dropped pistols from accidentally going off (or switching to Fear Factor). Point your piece at Joe Rogan and show that punk-bitch who’s boss.

Laptop Lowrider

Roll into that Unreal Tournament LAN party with this screaming 3.2 bazillionhertz Pentium all-wheel-drive, with outsized rims and radials, neon accents and tinted Windows XP Professional Edition OS. Boots up with “Mexican Hat Dance” and shuts down with “Vamos Alla Playa.” Frag some fool, then fire up the hydraulics and flaunt your shitz with some outrageous hops.

Redman Eye

Most digital cameras offer red-eye removal. But how many feature Redman insertion? None, until now. New 2005 models are taking it to the streets and bringing a little of the hip-hop to an otherwise busted night out. Imagine cocktail hour with the Phi Alpha Psi hos, featuring a guest appearance by the Funk Doc. The Beta Delta Phis will be, like, soooo jealous.

R. Kelly Golden Showerhead

You’re gonna need a rinse after working out in the front yard all day. Upgrade your tub with this 18-karat showerhead, which uses a pair of brass ball joints to deliver powerful pulsating massage sprays. A built-in 5-megapixel digital camera is optional. But do you really want to risk missing your kids’ first golden shower?

Ba-Donka-Donk Mouse

Introducing the first mouse that puts the dumps in the truck. Designed for the man who likes ‘em big and round, this model features a warm-to-the-touch casing and a handy scroll function (unh!) to double-up (unh, unh!) on sexy spreadsheets. And gamers will appreciate its powerful force-feedback technology, which gives players the tactile experience of grabbing onto a thick steering wheel at 10 and 2.

Boombox Sneaker

Dig out your ’80s breakin mix, pop in “The Brass Monkey Business,” then crank up the volume on the integrated 300-watt SneakerSpeakers. An inflatable insole and carbon fiber drivers make it easier than ever to drop a double-clutch jam and the latest, er, Sisqo single on neighborhood ballers. Classic Sports Illustrated shoe phone? You been served!

Bling Ringer

Combine the iced-out medallion of your favorite G-Unit star with the performance of a Bluetooth-enabled GSM mobile and you get this flashy fistful of fone. Download MP3 blingtones, capture 1.3-megapixel images, store up to 1,000 numbers or biff a wanksta and leave your tag, “CELL” emblazoned across da bizzle’s forehead.