6 Signs You Aren't Irish

6- You Drink Green Beer

Why is this the one day of the year that so many people feel the need to turn normal things a different color? Rivers aren't turned red during Christmas, drinks don't mysteriously turn orange on Halloween, and baby chicks still stay pale yellow on Easter (and if they don't, someone needs to call PETA!). The thing is, if people stopped asking for green beer bartenders would probably stop serving it. Sure, some bars will be doling the greenish drink this holiday on their own volition, but most require that you specifically ask for the freakishly green substance. If you are one of these people that feels extra special with that colorful extra additive in their beer, you are clearly not Irish. Irish people don't taint their beer with such unnecessary piffle. They don't want to waste time with dyes and food coloring-they want their beer with minimal interference. Beer is great in its natural hue, so why change something that has been perfect on its own merit for so long?

5- You Pinch People Who Aren't Wearing Green

If you're willing to spend your St. Pat's day chasing people around because they aren't wearing a stereotypical green you've got issues. One of them is that you obviously don't understand what you're supposed to be doing on this wondrous of days--going to church and then drinking yourself into oblivion. People in Ireland actually wear orange to celebrate St. Paddy's day as well as green. Will you be pinching people if they aren't wearing orange, too? I'd certainly warn against any pinching pranks personally. If you actually wind up pinching someone who is truly Irish, you'd better hope their inherent luckiness will rub off on you. Otherwise turn tail and run before that real Irish temper flares and you find your pinch answered with a good ol' fashioned Irish ass-kicking.

4- You Celebrate At An English Pub

Let's go ahead and set the record straight--the English and Irish haven't been on the greatest of terms for quite some time now. It all has to do with those pesky English wanting to expand their borders. There's also that silly Catholic/Protestant thing, but whatever. As it stands now, there's a tenuous state of civility (i.e. they aren't blowing up each other's town squares), but you certainly don't want to go poking that bulldog in the zoo. A surefire bet to piss off both nationalities this St. Patty's Day? Celebrate the day in an English pub. The Irish REALLY don't appreciate being confused with the English, and the English don't favor the mix-up too kindly either. If you're a novice at telling the difference just follow the drunken strains of a "Wild Rover" sing-a-long to lead you in the correct direction. Still confused? Ask about Gaelic football--if you're met with rolled eyes and a discussion of why Chelsea is the best football team around, keep on walking. If you're suddenly thrown into a heated argument about the "Teams of the Millenium" selection you know you've found the right spot. Good luck getting out of either discussion to actually go enjoy yourself--you're on you're own with that one.

3- You Drink Guinness for the First Time in a Year

There are some stereotypical traits about Irish folk that hold true to this day--they subsist off corned beef, cabbage and potatoes; they all have red hair and freckles; they can dance your ass under the table even while keeping their upper-bodies still; and they all drink Guinness. Well, it turns out one of those things is not like the others and is actually true. No, you're more likely to find the Irish enjoying a nice curry for dinner since corned beef and cabbage is actually an American tradition; red-heads are still rare as brunettes and blondes flourish; and Michael Flatley is as big a loser over there as he is across the pond. Guinness, however, happens to be a staple. One of Ireland's finest exports is enjoyed not only around the world, but at home as well. It's like the Irish equivalent of Budweiser--only it actually tastes good, people are proud to order it, and you don't feel like you should be at a NASCAR rally while drinking it. That being said, Guinness is an everyday drink for true Irish, and folks who only order it on this special occasion can usually be found agonizing over the thickness of the beer. If you're not enjoying this mystical loaf-of-bread-in-a-glass on regular occasion, you're going to have your Irish card pulled in less time than it takes to do the coveted double-pour.

2- You Wear Something With A Stupid "Irish" Saying On It

Every February 15th stores around the country start pulling the leftover red and pink from Valentine's Day and replace it with a vibrant, nausea-inducing green. As terrible as the feather boas and "Luck O' The Irish" door-hangings are, the worst offenses take place in the clothing section. Ugly t-shirts with the most asinine of sayings festoon the aisles and I cringe in the knowledge that many a bevy of airhead girls and frat-dick boys will be hitting the bars decked out in clothes emblazoned with "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" or "Kiss My Ass, It's Irish Too"; "Get Lucky With An Irish Boy (or Girl)"; "Irish I Were Drunk"; "Erin Go Brah-less"; "They're Always Stealing Me Lucky Charms"; "Wanna Touch My Blarney Stone?"; "Dublin Your Pleasure"; etc. No real Irish man or woman would be caught dead in such tacky and tasteless crap. They're offensive, juvenile, boorish and just plain dumb. Definitely more "Ugly-American" than "Irish-American." The only good thing about these lame-ass clothes is that they're not flame retardant--at least we can get a good bon fire going with them, either with the original wearers in them or not.

1- You Don't Even Know Why You're Celebrating

If I were to ask you why St. Patrick became a saint in the first place would you be able to give me the correct answer? Chances are someone in Ireland would. Proud of this tradition, St. Patrick is Ireland's national saint-but do you know why? Does your mind immediately call up images of the terrible potato famine that struck Ireland in 1845? If so, you're wrong, try again. Something about snakes? Getting warmer, though downright awful when it comes to metaphors. Ireland has never been home to any of the slithery beasties, though St. Patrick did "drive the snakes" out of Ireland by converting Pagans to Christianity. The shamrock also gained celebrity because it is said that St. Pat used the shamrock as a way to explain the holy trinity to those non-believers. So while you may look for a four-leaf clover for good luck, St. Patrick was quite happy with the three-leaf variety. The Catholic Church later used March 17th as a day of feast in order to honor the day St. Patrick supposedly died though there is no record confirming the actual date of his death. So it makes TOTAL sense that we celebrate the life of a pious Saint by spending his day drunk off our asses only to follow up with a night spent hurling green puke in the gutters. Right?