Shit My Dad Says

One of the best uses of Twitter I've seen yet:

Linky

"You need to flush the toilet more than once...No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet." about 21 hours ago from web
   
"Don't touch the bacon, it's not done yet. You let me handle the bacon, and i'll let you handle..what ever it is you do. I guess nothing."  1:15 PM Aug 22nd from web
   
"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me." 10:57 AM Aug 21st from web
   
"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down."  11:35 AM Aug 20th from web
   
"Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices... Jesus, Joni (my mom) it's a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn't even real dammit!"  11:28 AM Aug 19th from web
   
"The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He's a god damned dog."  12:43 PM Aug 18th from web
   
"They serve Jim Beam on airplanes. Tastes like piss. You wouldn't be able to tell the difference, because you drink shit. I don't."  11:23 AM Aug 17th from web