Procrastination

I did lunch with my daughter yesterday.  Lunch was nice.  We had the salad bar, as usual.  And she bought!!!!!  Role reversal....  Well, after lunch, the role reversal continued.  We went out to "walk the mall" and she finally brought up what lunch was all about.  Yes, I expected it.  She wanted to talk about gilbert and me and what were my plans?  Ack!  Procrastinator that I am, I really didn't know what to tell her.  She outright asked me if I planned a divorce, and I said, actually, no.  What I didn't say out loud, but I think she knows, is that I am just waiting.......  Divorcing someone that is almost 80 years old seems pointless and a lot of expense, for what?   In the long run, things would be easier in a lot of ways.  But, I just keep putting off making a decision.  I have already disrupted my family and hurt them, because, what, I am selfish?  Guilty as charged!  For the first time in my life, I am doing what I want to do, but it hurts others.  That, in turn, hurts me.  The holidays are coming up.  What about that?  Breaking tradition feels really, really bad.  We always celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve at my house.  Sure, I could go back for a day and cook all day and make nice, decorate a tree and whatnot.  But, it would be weird, even fake, and wtf, I don't know what to do.  Besides that, I will likely be working Christmas Eve.  Does that get me off the hook?  Not!  I still have time to request it off, and I will.  But it is late and I may not get it.

So, my happy little "just for me" life has been disturbed.  I know, it's about time.  What to do next?  Legal separation agreement, I guess.  I am not going back.  It's too late to go back.   It makes me sad, having to do this.  But, I started it, I wanted it, I have to finish it.  I know, I am putting myself out there again, and I said that I wouldn't do that any more.  Well, I guess I will get what I deserve, if someone decides I am a "bad person". 

That's all.