WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its ’sell by’ date.
9. You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren’t

• 10. Did you get any under the tree?
• 9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
• 8. Check out Rudolph’s Honker!
• 7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.
• 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
• 5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
• 4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
• 3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.
• 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
• 1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

Tragedy begets comedy

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at
the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present
something “Christmassy”.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is
allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent
Christmas?”

The third man answered “They’re Carol’s.”

10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a
Woman

• 10. A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have
  had in the past.
• 09. Christmas trees don’t get mad if you use exotic electrical
  devices.
• 08. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have an artificial one in the
  closet.
• 07. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
• 06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
• 05. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you look up underneath it.
• 04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb
  and have it hauled away.
• 03. A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas trees.
• 02. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day.
• 01. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the
  back of your pickup truck.

Press Release: Christmas Downsizing

Today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for
better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy
measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:

1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
   the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
   providing considerable savings in maintenance.
2. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
   effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
   condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
3. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
   French.
4. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
   with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds
   have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
   Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications
   for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well
   as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
   afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose
   per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let
   go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure
   management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
   Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The
   current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance
   their outplacement.
8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
   scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought.
   The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
   Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or
   a-mulching.
9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
   phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of
    international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
    replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability
    may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an
    oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the
    band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new
    music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the
    bottom line.
12. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and
    other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries
    over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels
    will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion
to include the legal profession (”thirteen lawyers-a-suing”), action is
pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in
the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the
right number.

The Top 15 Reindeer Games

• 15> Strip poker with Mrs.Claus
• 14> Attach the Mistletoe to Santa’s Ass
• 13> Spin the Salt Lick
• 12> Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers
• 11> Moose or Dare
• 10> Flying into the “No Fly Zone” over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a
  slow burn and Santa dampen his Depends
• 9> Bait-and-Shoot Elmo
• 8> The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest
• 7> Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot
• 6> Convince the Elves to Eat “Raisinets”
• 5> Pin the Tail on Santa’s Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass
• 4> Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen
• 3> Elf Tossing
• 2> Sniff the Tail on the Donkey

  and the Number 1 Reindeer Game…

• 1> The “Rudolph the Shitfaced Reindeer” Drinking Game

The Office Party

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding
headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the
preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put
some coffee in front of him. “Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last
night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of
yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you
insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

SANTA’S PICK UP LINES

• I know when you`ve been bad or good — so let’s skip the small talk,
  sister!
• Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
• Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
• I know when you`ve been bad or good — so let’s skip the small talk,
  sister!
• Some of my best toys run on batteries… <wink wink>
• I see you when you’re sleeping - and you don’t wear any underwear, do
  you?
• Screw the “nice” list — I’ve got you on my “nice AND naughty” list!
• Wanna join the “Mile High” club?
• That’s not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I’m just glad to see you!