Disability...

The job has been driving me crazy...literally. My boss told me that he wanted me to run the support department. I thought that meant management. I thought that meant people working under me. I thought that meant promotion and a raise.

I THOUGHT WRONG!

So what they really wanted was for me to do the work of 2 people all by myself. They wanted me to work 60 hour work weeks without complaint. They wanted me to be super woman. They wanted me to do the impossible. They wanted to get all they could out of me because they thought they had me by the balls. They know that I am financially beholden to them. I took out a personal loan with the company to get my car fixed. A few months later I had to take out a 401K loan to get that same piece of crap car fixed. If I leave I have to pay all that money back right away. So yeah, they have me by the balls. I'm stuck. I can't breath.

I had a meeting with my boss where he basically said I am not allowed to ask anyone for help at work. He thinks that I should be able to do all the regular support work all alone. I should be able to answer every phone call. Do the online chat with all our customers while answering all the emails. I should miss nothing. I should be flawless. I should do this all with a smile while screaming YES SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER...

Last week on Thursday I finally reached my breaking point. I couldn't even manage to enter all the support tickets that were coming in let alone resolve them all. I was getting pegged from every direction. Phone, echat, email, people in the office sending me IMs, people walking up to my desk asking questions. One of the managers came over to complain. One of his clients said that their issues hadn't been addressed yet. He wanted to know why. I told him I hadn't gotten to it yet. He didn't like that answer and asked why not. I told him I can't do everything by myself. He leaves my desk and I start feeling really anxious. By mid day my head was spinning. Tickets were coming in left and right. I couldn't get anyone to cover my lunch so I didn't get to take one. Nothing I'm not used to. I never take lunch anymore. Support has always been treated like second class citizens. We're not supposed to leave our desk to pee or eat or even go home for that matter.

Around 4 pm I was just about done for the day. I decided I didn't care anymore. I didn't care about having a job. I didn't care about being able to pay my rent. I didn't care about our clients. I hated all of my fellow employees. They could all suck it. I stood up and started pacing around my desk. I had all the energy that I didn't know what to do with. I couldn't sit still. I walked to the kitchen and stood there staring into space for a bit. Then back to my desk. I walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist where our HR person was. She didn't know. Then our CEO started walking around the office. He wanted everyone to come in the meeting room to watch the NCAA tourney and have some drinks. When I look into the room I see our HR person. That's where she's been hiding. She was pouring drinks.

Side note: Why do we need to drink beer in the middle of the afternoon at work but if I get caught drinking at lunch I could be fired. I guess the rules only apply to us little people. The CEO has final veto power.

I try to wait for our HR person. I want to tell her that I'm cracking at the seams. I need to tell her this so she can tell me that it's ok. That I should just go home and rest my mind. I want her to set me free. But I can't do it. She's in the other room pouring drinks. She's smiling. She's happy. I hate her for this. I hate them all. Why can't I be happy? Why can't I go and drink and watch college basketball? Why is it so easy for them?

I go back and sit down at my desk. Feeling more and more out of control. My heart is racing now and I can barely breath. I try to stand up but my legs no longer work. My eyes are open but I don't see anything. My mind is spinning. I don't know what to do. I sit at my desk gasping for my next breath. I am aware of people all around me. No one seems to be aware of me however. I'm invisible. Nothing ever changes.

When I finally regain use of my limbs I pick up my cell phone. I'm still having a hard time trying to focus but I need to get out. I stand up and walk to the front door. My hand is gripping the handle tightly. I want to run. Flee. Get away from this hell that I find myself in. I need to make it stop. But then those old feelings of guilt and responsibility come creeping back in. If you quit your job who will take care of your daughter? You have responsibilities Dawn you can't just run out on your job. Do the right thing. Then I realize that the right thing is to take care of me. No one else is going to do it. Not having money won't be the end of the world. I need to do what's right for me. What will make me happy. For once I need to be selfish.

I realize that I'm back at my desk, cell phone in hand. I slide it open and start typing. I message my boss. "I can't do this anymore. Something needs to change or I'm leaving" SEND. He texts me back asking what happened right away. I text back and say I don't want to text about it and ask him to call me at home later. He doesn't listen and rings my office phone. He talks to me for half an hour putting me even farther behind. He doesn't appreciate the fact that I sent that text message. He doesn't appreciate that I waited until he was out of the office. He doesn't appreciate... I stop listening. He's still not hearing me. I am crashing and he doesn't care. He didn't even ask how I was. He only cares about the tickets. Not me. Who am I? A tool. A means to an end. He needs me but he doesn't care about me. He is angry that I've upset his day. Fuck him!

I end up having to work until 7 pm that night. I just love 12 hour days. The work wasn't even close to being finished when I left for the day. I don't even remember my drive home or when I finally managed to fall asleep that night. I don't even know if I ate dinner or if my daughter did. I don't remember anything from that night except all the tossing and turning. The heartburn that wouldn't end. The night sweats. The bad dreams when I did finally fall asleep for a few minutes. Then I remember sitting in bed in the dark. My heart racing again. My mind consumed with feelings of dread.

idon'twanttogoback. I don't want to go back...I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK!!!

I'm not sure when I finally made the decision to go to work. I got there 20 minutes early and just sat in the car thinking. My guilty concious finally won and I walked in the front door. I sit down at my desk feeling very daunted before I'd even begun. One of my co-workers informs me that big boss man asked her to help me with the tickets. He doesn't want the clients to be affected by my being behind. God forbid we offend the clients. Who cares that I'm breaking down, it's all about the clients. By the end of the day there are 3 people helping me with tickets. I'm not doing too much. I still can't get my brain to respond. I counted the minutes until 5:30 pm.

So this afternoon I went to see my therapist. She squeezed me in after my very desparate message telling her I needed to see her immediately. After talking to her about what had been going on with me she said I had a panic attack. She also told me that these things come in clusters so this probably isn't going to be the last one. I'm pretty sure I had several on Friday, although less severe than the one I had on Thursday. She told me that I should use my short term disability and take off some time from work. Try to sort somethings out. She also suggested I call my family doctor and try to get a script for some anti anxiety meds. I'll be making that call on Monday. So starting Monday I will be out of work for 4 - 6 weeks. I know that financially this will be bad for me but I feel like I've won the lottery. Some of the stress is lifting already. Tomorrow I need to go into the office and grab a few things from my desk and leave the work phone. Then Monday morning I'm suposed to call HR and tell them that my doctor has put me on short term disability.

Six weeks of solitude and then I need to find a new job. No way I will subject myself to this any longer. I value myself too much for that.