How Well Do You Know Your Co-Workers?

It's a tough position to be in, I don't know about you personally but I have always felt like everyone in my life will abandon me because of my dad (biological not the man I call dad now) leaving me. I can tell you this friendships and relationships are hard to maintain, there will be people in your life who you will lose touch with but at the end of the day I figure the best I can do is be who I am. I don't have a lot of friends but I do cherish the ones I have. I hope that you find your way out of your dark place, I know that once you comfortable there it is a place that is so fucking tough to escape, but it sounds like on the other side you have people who are going to be there. People who realize sometimes you just need some time to work shit out.

We're still here for you :-) We've been with you since 1995!!

I feel like I ruin people's lives really easily, and certainly not on purpose. I'm afraid to get close to people because in some way I almost always manage to fuck them over, or make one of their friends hate them or me, or both. The past three men I have dated now have friends who hate me like poison. (Admittedly the last one I didn't do a damn thing to and she still hates my guts, and it kills me that I can't find a way to be friends with her since she means so damn much to this guy). I feel like a stone around people's neck. But every now and then I stop to realize that people have chosen to love me, and although I'm no longer married to one of them, and the other isn't in my life, people could still love me for me. The sad, emptiness you speak of is a something I am all too familiar with. It's always hovering, even in happy times. I am always ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop and I wish I could make it stop, but I can't. The one thing I wish I could tell the man I care about now is that I'm terrified that I'll ruin his life without meaning to, and the longer we know each other the worse I am making his life. I am trying to make it better, but already I have failed, and it really hurts to know that it's my fault. His best friends is constantly at odds with him, and it stresses him out so terribly. I hate putting him through that and not being able to make it better. She could be so cool, but she doesn't give me a chance. Anyway, I digress. My point to all of this is: you never know the impact you have upon a person's life, and while the unfortunate death of your work colleague has affected you deeply, this, a man you barely knew, imagine the positive impact you have upon those who are privileged to know you and care for you. Needing time to work through this is important, but maybe you don't work through it just once. Maybe it takes several times. Being alone is something I crave, but being cared for is also something I need. I WANT someone to hug me and say that I'm not poisonous to know. I want to be good for someone. It's hard to believe it can happen, and I'm waiting for it. But at least you have a wife and kids who just might think you hung the moon. Focus on who you love and care for and you'll be rewarded in kind hopefully. This diatribe may sound very self serving, and yeah I guess it is, but hopefully it helps you too. Cheers.

Remember you still have your family. It is a tragedy he died. As trite as this sounds: Hang in there and inventory the things you have and that give you happiness.