Car Trouble
Car Trouble
I was thinking it might be fun to share some funny stories about IRL cars we've known, loved and destroyed.
I'll have a go:
Clown car number 1 was my first car, an Alfa 33 that was given to me by my folks. Knackered engine and gearbox in the back boot, much hilarity reconditioning and fitting those! Not.
a favourite trick of this car was for the accelerator pedal to get trapped underneath the end-of-travel stopper, I.e. throttles wide open, UFB, Unintended Full Bore
Alf, as this car was known , soon developed a sticky and later seized ignition key turney-roundey-thing, no problem, I simply moved to holding a wire against the +ve on the battery and the terminal on the starter motor. This was really entertaining when combined with condition 1, UFB, as the usual response to UFB was to turn off the ignition via the key - wheeee
Later in Alf's zombie life, I.e. after I resurrected him, the handbrake stopped working in some expensive to repair way, the details of which I can't recall. It was at this point that the HCRS was implemented. HCRS stands for the Home Construction Restraint System, a.k.a A house brick (stored neatly in the passenger foot-well). On many vehicles with failed handbrakes HCRS is not critical as the car can be left in gear to prevent rollage. The key motivator for HCRS is the need to start the vehicle from under the bonnet when a park brake is not available particularly when there is no flat ground available for parking! The procedure is to place the HCRS / brick behind a wheel, select neutral, start the car with a wire under the bonnet, and then, if you had planned correctly, reverse until the HCRS is level wit the drivers door so that it can be retrieved before continuing the journey.
it was always very important to remember at the point of closing the door, not to slam too hard as this could invoke AWOL, Automatic Window Opening Logic - the system that allows the window glass to part company from the holder and winder mechanism after which it descends rapidly into the door cavity, not to be seen until you apologise to it (In Italian). Not such a bad occurrence in summer but catastrophic early on a winter's morning! AWOL can also be triggered by potholes or loud farts, the latter being one of the more valuable use cases.
Alas Alf drew his last fuel / air emulsion whilst returning from a music festival with UFB being used as a sort of impromptu cruise control amid the happy chatter of bouncing valves.
Ahh....Old cars, old times, lots-o-issues. Well let me start my story with this: 1978 Ford F-250 with the 351M. Vehicle was when I was living in Michigan (so salt is used to clear ice and snow off of roads in winter, thus resulting in rust, everywhere.) I bought the truck from a farmer who used it to carry a grain shredder in the bed for $500 USD. The truck had no tailgate. Ulimate redneck truck driven by a semi-redneck/city boy. The truck had about 30k miles on it in 2004 (I think, right around there). Drove fantastic to say the least. Then the issues started: 1st: The rear support for the passenger side of the bed broke, then since the tailgate was missing, vibration and pot holes let to the rear tail light falling out somewhere on the road. I replaced it with a trailer light and zip tied the light in there. It fell out too, somewhere. Lets just say those last 2-3 sentences repeat over and over again. 2nd: it had no filter between the fuel line and carb so rust made its way from the fuel tank all the way to the carb and clogged fuel line causing it to stall out. I cleared rust out of line, installed a fuel filter on carb. Ran great for about 2 weeks. The the throttle got stuck in one position, FULL THROTTLE! (thank god it was auto). Took me a week to figure this one out since my busy work schedule would not allow me to work on my truck. So I had to drive it full throttle to work 30 mins each way. God that killed my gas mileage. Figured it out, truck ran great for months, besides the having to pump the gas to "prime" it on cold winter mornings. God that truck was a beast. Had to replace a water pump in it, in dead of Michigan winter. No problem, my buddy and I started it and let engine warm up a little, turned it off, took fan out, climbed into the engine bay between engine and radiator, and kept warm while replacing the water pump from the nice warm engine and radiator. When all was said and done, the truck lasted me 2 years or so before I stopped driving it and started driving my 1995 Ford Taurus SHO. Ended up giving it away to a friend of mine whose uncle owned a speed shop and was interested in the low miles 351M engine. Good truck, shitty on gas, easy to work on. I know cars are called "she" or "her" but this truck was straight man, nothing else but testosterone. RIP BEHEMOTH, you will be missed, seriously the liscence plate was BHEMOTH. http://youtu.be/JbeatGckm1w http://media.merchantcircle.com/16988658/DCP_6468_medium.jpeg
Ha Ha, Full Throttle, it's a great feature.
Also - wtf - "climbed into the engine bay", they don't make 'em like they used to! I had to have the bumper removed from my car the other day because there was no access between the engine and headlight
housing to change the bulb!!!
Keeping old cars going is great, reminds me of another zombie resurrection. I got a BMW 323i for cheap that had been diagnosed as having a cracked cylinder head, but they hadn't use BMW special tool #Z3473552, mirror on a stick. It turned out that all that was required was a welsh plug in the back of the engine, 50 pence spent.
This one was called Road Rocket, but only had 1 special feature and that was the the incurable compulsion to do doughnuts at every possible opportunity, needless to say there was a lot of tyre buying. It even wore a circular rut in a nearby car park.
I had an old Plymouth "Arrow" a loooong time ago, ( and if anyone remembers these I could just stop right here) that had rust in the fuel sooooo bad I installed a marine fuel filter under the hood and changed it once a month. Marine fuel filters are the size of large oil filters.
Also once a month or so I would have to grab a coat hangar or two and the torch and braze the holes in the exhaust. truly a car that needed to be extinct.
I had a 72 chevy long bed 1/2 ton I bought from a landscaper (?) that had no rocker panels and the heater core had been removed from the firewall. All was fine until winter ( this was north Detroit). I had to wear full winter gear to drive to work, while being able to look at the road under the doors. I did take a piece of plywood and sprayed polyeurothane foam into the hole in the firewall and screwed the plywood over the hole. Truly a $100.00 truck...also ended up putting a cam in it in the dead of winter.