Tip of the Day...

My tip if the day is, TIP.

I saw the movie Waiting over the weekend and felt a connection to it. If you ever wondered what it was like to work in a restaurant/bar, that movie is a pretty accurate description...minus the goat...

But seriously, I see this as an opportunity to inform many of you cheapskates out there...and i know there are a few of you...to tip your waitstaff/pizza delivery guy/ bartender/ lady who cuts your hair. Im also here to chastise you cheap fucks who tip too little. Consider this a lesson in correct distribution of gratuity.

Your Bartender---gets tipped every drink he/she makes, or each trip you make up to the bar one dollar. You order a PBR in the can that costs $.75, tip the fucker a dollar, and a quarter so he/she doesnt laugh at your cheap ass for drinking PBR in the can in public. Why should you always tip at least a dollar? 1.)not everyone does, youre making up for the other jackass that didnt tip. 2.) youll get your drinks faster if you are a consistent tipper (just make sure they see you sliding the tip in the jar, or hand it to them personally) 3.) impresses the ladies if youre not a tightwad.------ There is a cheap way to get great service at a bar though. If youre with a bunch of friends or a business dinner and you know youre going to be at the bar for awhile, give the bartender, before you make your order, a 10 or 20 spot ahead of time and let the bartender know/think there will be more later. I garuntee youll never have to wait for a drink, even at a busy bar. If you get shitty service, youre out10 or 20 bucks, but thats what you probably would have tipped anyway if you know youre going to have a large tab. If you get good service and you know youll be back later, tip with cash some more.

Your Waiter/Waitress---OK, you have to tip these people. In many states they dont even make minimum wage and are completely dependant upon gratuity. How much should you tip them? Depends on the joint. You go eat at the local grease shack called "Joes", you should tip anywhere from 10% to 15%. If your percentage ;;comes out to be ;;less than 2 bucks, give the waitstaff 2 bucks.  You get crappy service? 10%. You get good service 15%.

Now what if you go to a four or five star establishment? Well, the stakes have gone up. I tell you right now, you tip 15% at a 4 or 5 star joint, the waitstaff if either thinking "what a dick!", or "what did i do wrong?". This is because the waitstaff there makes 2 bucks an hour, and also has to share tips with other front of the house staff. generally they tip the bartender about 5-10 bucks or 10% of their bar sales minus bottled wine. They tip their wait aides 10% of their sales. And if they have a wine steward, they tip him as well 10% of the sale he made for their table. In all, generally if you tipped them 15%, theyd end up keeping about 8-9% of what you gave them. Waitstaff in high fallutin joints should get at least 20%, and 25% if they did a good job. (If there is no wine steward, or you didnt buy a bottle, 20% is fine) Youll thank me for telling you this cause over time if you frequent this place, the staff will come to know you are a worthwhile table and will serve you with special attention because youre helping feed their coke habit.

Your Pizza Delivery Guy--- This guy makes minimum wage, but heres the kicker....he has to pay for his own gas!! If you order a pizza and stiff the delivery guy, i garuntee you over time, they will learn your address and ;;you will never get a hot pizza. But youre thinking, "They add that delivery charge to every order!" The driver never sees that money. They never told you that, did they? Delievery drivers make either a percentage of sales (a pitiful percentage at best), a flat rate per delivery (usually less than a dollar) or have free car service done by the company (the best deal of them all). Fact is, it may look like theyre making 10 bucks and hour, but after expenses, theyre really making about 7 (based on minimum wage earners). Not to mention how fucked they are if their car lemons up on em. What should you tip these guys? The price of gas. Simple. Whatever one gallon of gas costs in your area, thats what you should tip, and a little extra if you want to help support his weed habit.

Lady who cuts your hair--- She makes either a percentage of her sales or has to pay rent for her "chair". Generally if she pays rent, you should tip her at least 3 bucks (this is for guys). If youre at the hair cuttery, tip her a couple of bucks, shes getting paid hourly. If she screws up your head, unless its Forest Gump bad, you should still tip her. Just ask for someone else until you find someone youre comfortable with. Ladies, you have a competely different set of rules ;;I have no clue about....any of you wish to add the rule, feel free.

What happens to you if you dont tip--- Besides acquiring horible karma, you dont want to know. Bartenders are probably the safest not to tip health wise. Theyll generally ignore you if you fail to tip them. Waitstaff and pizza dudes are the ones you have to watch out for, with the former being the most dangerous. Lets put it this way, if you regularly visit a joint, and you never tip, chances are youve had spices you never knew about. Special sauce has a whole new meaning for you. Waitstaff and front of the house staff in restaurants are generally a vindictive lot. I believe ;;it has something to do with ;;being so powerless in the face of a customer with an owner/manager watching over them. They may not yell at you, but they sure as shit will piss on your cornflakes...literally.

How do ;;I know this? I was one. I started out delivering pizzas in high school. After ;;I left college, I started waiting tables in a "Fine Dining" restaurant. I then became the wine steward (probably the only ;;wine steward in history who preferred beer) which eventually led to ;;being a bartender. I figure maybe later in life ill change my name to ;;Gary and cut hair so this article can ;;be complete. Ive seen it all in a restaurant, and i have seen some nasty shit being done to people food. Youd be surprised what goodies can be hidden in steak au poivre and fried calamari is sometimes served best with a side of dingleberry.

BEWARE! ;; You have been warned. Tip! ;;

Also---on a side note, try to tip cash when at all possible. Waitstaff are required to report all income that has a paper trail, so eliminate the paper trail and give em cash.

Someone just suggested this to me---Your Stripper---will not love you no matter how muc money you throw at her. You want an up close view? $1. You want her to talk to you? Drink bought and or $1. You want a table dance? $10. You want a private show/lap dance? $20. Basically, everything is for sale here, so, if you have a dollar in a strip joint after you pay the cover, youll get some loving...a dollars worth. (Al Bundy had this down to a science)