Fucked up...

First off, if you are sensitive or squeamish, please, don't read this. I'm serious.

Seriously... I'm not kidding. This is about a suicide call I went on.

You were warned.

I had a truly fucked up call yesterday. We responded to a call of a gunshot wound. Reported as self-inflicted. It's not the first call like this I've been on in near 15 years as a cop but this is one of those that stuck with me and is kind of fuckin' with my head some.

Obviously, I won't be revealing any names or details that would be an issue. These events are not only traumatic to those that experience them but are continually so for those that live with the aftermath. The family of the victims rarely ever come to terms with what happened and particularly with ones such as this.

We got there not too long before the ambulance crew, not that it was needed. It was obvious that she was deceased when I got into the bedroom. It looked like a close range gunshot to the side of the head that exited the other side. It was messy to say the least. However, WE aren't medical personnel so it's irresponsible for us to assume anything like that so chest-compressions were performed for a few minutes prior to medics taking over on scene care and "running the tape".

If anyone has done chest compressions for real you know how stressful it is. However, having to do chest-compressions on someone you KNOW to be very dead is another thing entirely. One of my patrolman had to do that for this woman and although he appears to be okay I can tell that it's playing with his head a little. Just about everybody that was there is having some form of residual. My Lt who had to do the death notification to the mother and father had nightmares. The other patrolman who responded with us also reported sleep disturbances and I can't get the crime-scene out of my head.

Normally this isn't a problem. I know that sounds kind of cold but you almost have to develop some kind of "editing" procedure to clear some things from your emotional center or you become ineffective in your job. I believe this one is different because it isn't as cut and dried as most of the others. Most reported suicides are obviously that when you arrive. In my experience the majority of suicides either do it in a very private way which negates the probability of someone elses involvement. Or, they do it so publicly that there is NO doubt what happened.

This one....

Long story short. Husband is visibly upset during interview. He says that his wife (a woman struggling with several minor illnesses and also some possible psychological trauma because of chronic pain) wakes him up in the middle of the night and asks him to go get her something from the store. He says he leaves and when he returns he finds her dead. Most of what he tells us pans out or at least is probable. Some of the details however make me wonder. There is no known history or abuse, for all intents and purposes he is what he seems, a caring husband who found his wife whom he apparently loved dead presumably by her own hand.

No note, no indication of planning. Add to that the fact that a firearm was used and it gets slightly dicey. Women don't normally do this with a firearm. It does happen, it's just isn't characteristic.

Again, the vast majority of the evidence points toward the obvious conclusion. However, there's just enough "WTF" data to throw the certainty down the stairs. Anyway here are some the reasons i can't get this out of my head:

Due to horrible weather, I had to stand in or near this woman's bedroom for nearly two hours waiting for the medical examiner. The smell of the dead, even abscent of decay, is something you can't just get rid of.

Because of the aforementioned doubt and my absolute obsession wth integrity and the truth, I was a little more aggressive in trying to find evidence while assisting the Detective. I mentioned that the scene was a mess. Well, imagine trying to crawl around on the floor while searching for small bits of evidence and all the while trying to avoid contact with the usual remnant of such an event and you kind of get an idea. I paid VERY close attention to the scene and as a consequence, engraved some of its detail into my head.

The biggest and most ludicrous reason is because of some similarities between the couple involved and me and my wife.

My wife is a fantastic person. I can't imagine my life without her. Even with my determination to be prepared for such events. I expect people I care for to die. I know they will, we all do, and I try to steel myself against that inevitability. But, in my wife's case. I can't bear the thought of it.

Try to grasp that my wife is a strong person. She has a strong Christian ethic and would never contemplate doing anything like this. But, she also has more than one minor illness which plagues her consciousness. The worrying over them has aged her prematurely. She also constantly criticises herself and despite my attempts to reasure her I know that it's her personality that makes her do this. It's part of her drive and motivation, you can't wish that stuff away. She also is struggling with some similar issues as the woman involved in this incident AND we are close to the same age.

Again, my heart tells me this is not possible but my mind knows that all things are possible. EVERYBODY who has a loved one who commits suicide, even the ones who were warned in advance by the person who does it, never thought in a million years that the deceased was capable of actually doing it.

Because of that, sometimes when I recall the crime-scene, I can almost picture my wife lying there, with all the details and gore intact, and it kills me.

I have to go to bed now, and I'm concerned about what waits for me there.