Man's (Woman's) Inhumanity to Themselves

This is a repost of the most recent blog entry at my Window's Space:

I've been a police officer for about 13 years now, in two states. I have had many investigations concerning domestic violence. For the most part they are all similar with varying diferences due primarily to personalities of the participants. I will try to avoid using he and she since they can be either victim or offender. But, the majority of victims are female.

 

I have a rather "unpopular" view of domestic violence victims. I placed it in quotations because I have a lot of people who agree with me, they're just too chicken-shit to be as public as I am. Before I tell you this opinion I have some things to address.

 

Not all domestic violences are the same, they may be similar at there base but they all have their own little ecentricities that add flavor. That's the biggest reason that the naive have such misconceptions concerning domestic violence and the relationships involved. Most people, including the media and many in the social services field see domestic violence in very simple terms. That's not unusual. everybody, even the altruistic, see things in stereotypical fashion. It just makes life easier. Besides, and no matter how you try to argue against it, stereotypes WORK.

 

We are not "unique little snowflakes". Due to a finite amount of genetics and environmental conditions there are a finite series of personalities out there. Hell, even the clinical community under certain theories only recognize three personality types. Obviously, due to variables, these limited personallity types are displayed in many ways giving the impression that we are unique. Bullshit.

 

There's another and ultimately more important factor in the naive view that the social services community has. It has to do with their clientelle. They see people who walk into their office, voluntarily for whatever reason, either to get help or to use the system to their advantage. Either way, they bring a prepared sensibility with them. They know what they are going to say, they've prepared a table to set the social worker in front of with only the best morsels in view. When I show up in the late night hours after a frantic phone-call, I see all of the reality. They don't have time to clean it up any.

 

The popular view of domestic violence victims is that they are complete victims, they have been set upon by a surprisingly belligerent prick who beats the  piss out of them for very stupid reasons. This is true to at least some extent. The offender IS a belligerent prick who IS beating the piss out of their significant other for very stupid and simple reasons, and it ain't dirty dishes.

 

The reason abusers abuse are as complex as why the abused continue to allow themselves to be abused. Very deep rooted clinical reason that require extensive therapy to patch up and THAT brings us to my very un-popular view of the domestic violence victim.

 

Most states have enacted SHALL arrest laws in regards to offenders of domestic assaults involving visible injury. That's a good thing. The problem is not with the mandatory arrest, it's with the victim.

 

In our domestic violence training for law enforcement we are trained that the reason it is vital to have a complete investigation and interview at the time of the incident is due to the FACT that the overwellming majority of victims RECANT their statements within 24 hours of the abusive incident. For many different reasons they change their mind. Not that they lied when they called, not that the violence didn't actually happen but they PREFER TO HAVE THE ABUSIVE LOSER THAN A LIFE WITHOUT SAID LOSER. I have heard, "He pays the bills", "how will I feed the kids", "I don't have anyone else", etcetera. The one that pisses me off the most is when I hear at the time of arrest, "I didn't want you to arrest him, I just wanted you to stop him from beating me".

 

No shit. How's that for fucked up. I'm not talking about the Hollywood slap, where the abuser has a moment of anger and strikes the victim once and leaves a little red mark (not that it's not bad enough), I mean someone looking up at me from an ambulance crew. Blood spatter and missing tooth time.

 

The reason why a seemingly normal human being would allow themselves to be beaten for any possible reason is broken down, by me by the way, for two simplistic reasons. They either WANT to be beaten and don't mind the injuries as much as they fear being alone OR they are so mentally screwed up that they don't have a grasp on reality. My choice is B.

 

In my family violence course in college we discussed how the chain of domestic violence is a complex arrangement. the abuser and the victim actually choose each other for varying reasons, usually environmental conditioning. The abuser had an abusive dipshit for a parent and the behavior was modelled. The abused had an abused parent who stoicly put up with it and got lucky OR were raised with a very low self-esteem and almost no sense of self-worth. That's obviously oversimplifying things but, read the above.

 

It was during this discussion that I made the following recommendation, "If the abused is suffering from a clinical abnormality pre-disposing them to expose themselves and their children to a violent and potentially life-threatening condition, why don't we put them into a mental health facility for evaluation as a part of the shall arrest mandate"?

 

You could have heard a pen drop. There were a few shaking their heads in agreement and a few shaking their heads in disgust and a majority looking around because they didn't have an opinion yet (sheople, gotta love em). "Institutional victimization" was the response. To place the victim in any form of incarceration is a further vicitmization.

 

Horseshit. It's a weak willed social structure not willing to actually take the steps to actually cure the biggest problem. Without a willing punching bag the abuser would have to float from relationship to relationship (as a lot of them do) until they find one willing to put up with the ass-beatings OR get torched in their sleep (good riddance to so much kindling). The social system would rather hide behind the voluntary assistance model. For the most part, that's adequate. You get a person who had put up with a little shoving and then finally the douche-bag hit them and they woke up and want help. A newly married or entagled couple finally have the abuser revealed and the other wants out and help. Great, that works. But, for the clinically hampered victim who will continue to stay with the dipshit because they are predisposed by conditioning, without intervention they will stay. Modelling the behavior to their kids making it all seem nomral (and creating more offenders and/or victims) OR eventually getting killed by the asshole.

 

We see someone do an intervention for a drug user and it's politically correct. You suggest the same thing for domestic violence, and you are an ogre.