Why I can't stand your games.

There, that ought to be provocative enough.

I felt like writing about something a little less deep and morose than I usually do. I imagine that some of my entries have led to increased sales of Tylenol and Ibuprofen so a break would be good.

Or would it?

Maybe my entry should be one that makes a few of you mad? You see, I prefer negative feedback that has intellectually well-thought out content. Opposing view points teach us more than blind study because it forces us to consider our beliefs and challenges us to either defend those beliefs or leads us to change. That's why my entries are on occasion inflammatory. I want to tick some of you off if only to spark debate. I ignore insulting responses because any boob can flare out a slur or expletive. I sure as hell can. But, a retort rich with heavily considered text is like sweet candy. I just might read it twice, especially if it proves me to be wrong.

So, I bring you the following light fluff.

I think RPG with turn-based combat structures are stupid. I could not be more disinterested in the Final Fantasy series. It promises much with it's cinematics. Heck, if they would use the damn gaming engine for a third-person shooter type it would be cool. But, to wander around talking to people to get little clues or whatever and then hit some magic sweet spot in the map that throws you into some limp-wristed "duel" with a motley assortment of critters is boring. Standing there, waiting your turn to then flip through some menu to decide what you are going throw at that "evil" little one-eyed goo-bag that is also waiting patiently for you to hit them with something is even more pathetic than what I used to do in Junior High when I played Dungeons and Dragons. At least in D&D you had to read, discuss and actively roll a dice of some sort.

Not that Final Fantasy is the only offender of this, it's just the most well-known and more prevalent. I'm hoping that the new game ShadowRun will change the genre.

Another type of gaming I can't stand is the RTS platforms. The only reason is because they aren't active enough. I realize that it takes a lot of careful consideration to play these games. It does take a fairly high degree of skill and concentration. I applaud the experts at these games for at least being cerebral. But, they aren't active enough for me. I want to be able to burn off stress. While nuking an entire country may be gratifying it just isn't personal enough.

Sports games. WTF? No GUNS? That's bullshit. If someone where to give the RB in Madden an Uzi I might consider it. Until then, if I want to play a sport I'll go outside and get some fresh air and sunshine. If I want to watch someone else play sports I'll turn on ESPN or FoxSPORTS or wait for the season to start. Once again, at least it's active (well, maybe not the baseball games). I've seen guys really work up a sweat playing the football and basketball titles. There's also strategic thinking involved so it's not like just any idiot can pick up the controller and start button-mashing like in the old days. Still, not my cup of tea.

Viva Pinata. What the hell is THAT all about? I know people who play it. They have all recommended it to me. "It's addicting", they tell me. Why? Unless I can shoot them in order to get the prize inside I think I'll wait and try out somebody else's copy with them so I can see what turns so many cranks.

The Nintendo Wii. What, are you 12? Carpal tunnel sets in fast enough without paying $250 to get a head-start on it. Don't get me wrong, I considered buying one. For my daughter. BECAUSE SHE'S 11!!

I have yet to play ANY of the big giant robot armored mech series that was worth playing. The game-play is either so slow as to be painful or so confusing that it is.. well..painful. I've gotten to the point that if I ever get tempted to play one I just go to the video rental place, pick up a copy for a second, cut my finger with a pocket knife, put the copy back, and then throw a dollar on the counter on my way out. It just saves me time. I would love the games to be even remotely playable. Big giant robots with guns is on my list of turn-ons. Blowing shit up is AWESOME. They just haven't made a game that expresses that in a way that doesn't make me wish for an amputation.

Racing games. I've played them. Practically breathed Gran Turismo 3: A-Spec when it was released. I thought it was cool for 3 months. Problem is that once you've raced all of the tracks and bought all of the cars the game loses it's re-playability. I'll never buy another racing game. I'll probably rent one for a couple of days but you won't catch me forking over $200 for one of the wireless steering wheels.

Now that I've urinated on some genres and at least got some splatter on others, here are some of my favorite game types so that YOU can trash them;

Halo and all that has spawned from it (hell, I may even play Halo-Wars and THAT's a frickin' RTS). Anything Rainbow Six related. Heck, everything touched by Tom Clancy's signature damn near gives me wood. On that disgusting note you can lump the GRAW series in there along with Splinter Cell. The game Black. I know, not a long title and it had nearly no decent story. But, it had a lot of guns, a lot of really loud audio effects and lots of targets. Destroy All Humans, that shit was just hilarious. Lego Star Wars. Yep, I can also be 12 at times too. The Metal Gear series. loved it. But, I think the character Raven was a homo. Not that Homos aren't people too, I just don't want to pretend to be one.

Maybe you've noticed a theme. I want a gun in my video game selections. I see video games as a why of doing things virtually that would otherwise land me in prison for really doing them. Running up to some "enemy" and shooting them in the face is one of those things. Randomly shooting the shit out of things is not considered socially acceptable. Well, okay, maybe if you are Hezbollah.

Eta: Self-flame. I bought a copy of NRA Gun Club for my PS2. I'm a member of the NRA, a life member. I was hoping that my dues had gone to support a fun and informative arcade style shooting game. I was horribly wrong. NRA Gun Club is the most boring game that has ever been haphazardly thrown together. It SUCKS. It should have been a light-gun shooter, it isn't. It should have music, It DOESN'T. Not even in the menus. It should have far better graphics than it has, especially since the processors aren't being taxed by anything remotely resembling game play. It should have been a PS1 title, at least then the graphics would have been cut some slack. This title could have been played on an ATARI 2600. If NRA Gun Club is remade as a light-gun shooter I'll pay the money for a second copy. Other than that run screaming away from it if you happen to see it on the shelf. I have even considered wiping my ass with my copy, maybe after a big chili night, and mailing it to the NRA in protest.

Happy flaming. I'm am now off to trash musical tastes.