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Closure...kinda.

Durty

Shared on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 23:39

I emailed my biological father for the last time this morning.  I've tried to keep in touch with him, emails, calls, blah blah blah, not every week but every couple months...and haven't had a response from him in three years, no answer to phone calls either.  I sent him a facebook invite recently because I looked for him and he didn't have one...and while he now has one, he has yet to add me.  It's been three months.  He moved to Oklahoma 5 years ago 'to be closer to us' (what he said) but I haven't seen him once since he did. 

I think about him frequently...I have two little brothers (that I know of) that I do not know and have not seen in 7 years, they are 16 and 10, and I've only seen them twice in the years they've been alive.  I know I probably should have let this go years ago, but it's hard to do that....and always easier said than done.  It sounds utterly stupid to say....but all I've ever wanted from him was for him to care...without reservations or conditions.  I've always been afraid to do anything that would make him completely not love me, not sure if I did it, maybe I did.  He 'disowned' my sister 5 years ago, refuses to have anything to do with her because she is with a black man, stupid asshole move, but I still want his love and so does she, no matter how much he's hurt us.  He is such a fucking bastard and I just want to talk to him...be involved in his life, even minimally. 

I'm done now though and I told him that.  I know he reads my emails...I always have 'read alerts' put on the emails I send him....and I told him that I know he's been ignoring me and that it's now up to him.  If he wants anything to do with me, he will make the effort because as far as I'm concerned, I'm done trying.  I am done thinking about him, wondering about his family and wishing he'd give a shit.  I have my Daddy...and he's always been there, so my sperm donor can just fuck off.  See how he feels about all of this shit on his death bed.  Ass.        

So anyways...this is my closure.  I hope he has the balls to try and contact me, but he most likely won't, and finally, that's okay.  I'm done now and I'm finally okay with that.  I am a grown woman with children who needs to concentrate on her own self, her own happiness and not worry about some jackass who never knew how to be a dad and who never wanted to be either.  Done. 

Anybody wanna kill shit?

 

Comments

Smithcraft's picture
Submitted by Smithcraft on Tue, 04/07/2009 - 00:57
That's pretty tough to deal with Durty. I hope you are successful in moving past him. SC
Rask's picture
Submitted by Rask on Tue, 04/07/2009 - 05:59
Sorry to hear D. Regardless of the outcome, focusing on the important thing in your life now will always be the right answer. You can probably use this part of your life story as a great example for your boys one day on taking personal responsability and the impact it has on others when you don't..
Angelito's picture
Submitted by Angelito on Tue, 04/07/2009 - 06:22
Family are the ones close to you. we can't force people to care or love us, but we can move on in life and be a better person. Just be strong and live a better loving life.
redfive's picture
Submitted by redfive on Tue, 04/07/2009 - 06:26
i had the opposite. my step dad was a motherfucker, and if i see that bitch again i swear i'll do time. but i found my biological dad last year and he's fucking cool. i was splitting with my ex at the time, and it hurt, she treated me pretty weirdly, ignoring me and shit. my dad gave me the best piece of advice and it reckons it applies here as well: "if someone is so cowardly they cant face the things they've done, then they were probably not worth the effort in the first place. file under 'fuck you' and move on" i find it serves me well day to day as well. dont ebat yiourself up if he's being a dick.
pearly_54's picture
Submitted by pearly_54 on Tue, 04/07/2009 - 06:34
Quite a story, my friend. I wish you well in getting past this. Like the others have said, family is family, the ones you luv. Not the sperm donor. Someday I might tell you about the sperm donor in my past.
J-Cat's picture
Submitted by J-Cat on Tue, 04/07/2009 - 07:31
Sounds like this guy never grew up. But you have. We can't ever control the actions of someoen else, but we can control our reactions to what they say and do. So this guy really doesn't want anything to do with oyou. He's racist. He has no conviction, he says one thing (I am going to move cloaser to be with you) and does another. These are words, and only you can take them in, make them your own. you need anything you know where to come.
tocleora's picture
Submitted by tocleora on Tue, 04/07/2009 - 08:04
I feel your pain... I have a half brother I've only talked to a few times since my father died 21 years ago. It's sad they act like that and you're most certainly a better person for trying. sounds like you have a great famiily so don't let him bring you down, it's definitely his loss and like you said he'll realize it someday and regret it.
TheDastard's picture
Submitted by TheDastard on Tue, 04/07/2009 - 09:28
I cannot help but wonder what his deal is. I can't imagine turning away from my kids. But I'll say my gut disagrees with you D. Move on with your life and take care of you and yours, but keep that door unlocked. There is always hope that he will wake up and realize what he has lost. You will be the bigger person if you can answer when he knocks. If you need anything, PM me.
COULOW's picture
Submitted by COULOW on Tue, 04/07/2009 - 10:09
I haven't seen my biological father since I was 3. Reason: I have a half sister 6 months younger than me. YAH. So. I feel yah. Feel blessed and comforted in the fact you tried. It's his turn. If doesn't want to know the fabulous you, it's his horrid loss of all time. I'm sorry girlfriend.
madwoman's picture
Submitted by madwoman on Tue, 04/07/2009 - 15:18
Sounds like he has some real issues. Ones you cannot begin to help him with. Nothing will ever make the hurt go away. You should move on with your life, but we are human. You will most likely always wonder about him. The "why's" are the hardest. Try to put this aside. I agree with Dastard about him perhaps one day changing his tune. That doesn't mean you live your life waiting for that, just that you maybe shouldn't turn your back on him like he did you. Close the door on the "expectation" that he will come a running and simply live your life happily knowing you've done all you can. The balls in his court now.
evldog's picture
Submitted by evldog on Tue, 04/07/2009 - 22:08
One thing I've learned is that, as you age, your perspective on life changes greatly. Each one of us has a past that may or may not be what we expected or wanted. The thing that has brought me through all of the crap I've experienced is the knowledge that my friends and family are there for me no matter what (they have proven that time and again). Remember the fact that there are always possibilities. It is always possible for people to to have their epiphany before it's too late. When and if they do, we should be ready. Go on with your life. Be happy for what you have. You have people who love you, they are your family regardless of biology. Remember the past, but do not dwell on it. Your openess, courage and caring nature inspire all of us. That's why we read what you write, and that's why you get the positive responses you do. Live for you and your true family, and if the time comes, welcome your father. Best wishes to you.
hilskie's picture
Submitted by hilskie on Wed, 04/08/2009 - 01:03
He is sure missing out! You sound really level headed about it...I bet it took a long time to get there. The more I get to know you, the more I'm amazed by you! You rock, my friend!
Durty's picture
Submitted by Durty on Wed, 04/08/2009 - 01:30
Thank you guys...I appreciate the support more than you will ever know. And yeah, I pretty much rock, Hilskie. :wink: I wish I could thank everyone of you personally, but I just got done working out and I'm kind of tired, lol. I hope that one day he does come to his senses...he has me, my sister, three biological grandchildren and 3 not so biological ones that would love to get to know him. If it doesn't happen, I'm okay with it now though...and yes, it took me a long, long time to get here. Much love to you all!
DrStrange's picture
Submitted by DrStrange on Tue, 04/07/2009 - 00:12
Family is more than blood. "When our biological families no longer function, the only option is to create a family of choice—a family defined by shared purpose and mutual respect, not ties of blood." ... ".... All love between adults is conditional. It requires behavior; it must be earned and maintained."--Andrew Vachss

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