Oh....thanks Mom...

The 8 Most Disturbing Sex Toys  (Condensed from 25....it was just too much)

Hedonism got way out of a hand when the internet came along and the sex toy market exploded like, well, a bukkake video. Where once it was simple shoulder massagers and turkey basters that had to be adapted to nefarious purposes, nowadays anything you can think of (and probably a few dozen things you could never think of) are out there to give some lonely shut-in the pleasure they can't get from molesting a damp slice of bread. Things like these...

#8


Auto Suck

Because driving alone can often leave a man horribly aroused yet unfulfilled, the Auto Suck was designed to plug into any car cigarette lighter. We figure this invention is a good thing because there's probably tons of school buses out there full of kids who've never once driven past a man humping what amounts to a vacuum attachment in his car.

How else will they learn about the world?

Fun Website Quote:
"Do not use while driving!"

#7.


Kaylani's Foot Fetish

Being familiar with the internet as we are, we know there are people who get off on things like smoking, riding crops, vomit, amputees, slide whistles, artichokes, the elderly and yes, even feet. And while a foot fetish is one thing, this appears to be a rubber foot with a vagina heel.

Wait, what?

Fun Website Quote:
"Smaller than the real thing, this foot is ideal to keep in your drawer and take with you on those long business trips!!"

#6.



The Pleasure Periscope

One of the big complaints about sex that most people have is that they can't see four inches inside their partner's special areas. If only nature had created some manner of lighted probe to accommodate that. Where nature fails, the sex toy industry excels.

Fun Website Quote:
"The viewer window and inside light allow you to self-examine as you self-stimulate!"

#5.



Kochi the Anime Doll

Because maybe some people want to mix deviant sexuality and a full fledged nightmare together in a real world setting, this thing exists. This horrible, dead-eyed abomination with three usable holes.


Fun Website Quote:
"Show her who's boss"

#4.Dildo Gas Mask.

We're not really sure about the logistics involved in this, although it does vaguely reminds us of  a He-Man action figure we once saw. That's kinda cool. Also, safe sex is important and if you have a habit of releasing tear gas during love making then this is right up your alley, so to speak.

Fun Website Quote:
"Can be enjoyed in so many ways!"

#3.


Stuffoscope

Sex should appeal to all the senses, which is why flavored lubes, scented oils and rawhide panties exist. But sound has often fallen by the wayside, with the average Joe left to appreciate nothing more than his own occasional grunt or the sobbing of his partner on the phone.

Until now, with the invention of the Stuffoscope!!  Hearing the insides of your nearest and dearest is only a humiliation away.

Fun Website Quote:

"Listen to your partner's innermost secrets!"

#2.


Prince's Wand

One look at the design of this thing told us we don't want to know what it does.





Seriously, don't tell us.

Fun Website Quote:

"Here is our latest piss hole stuffer.


#1.


Mr. Jack With Mustache

 

Hey, remember when we said that tongue thing would be most likely to get a horror movie? We were way fucking wrong.
Near as we can figure, this was designed for people who wanted a blow job from an incognito Guy Smiley using Burt's eyebrows as a mustache without the rest of his Muppet head getting in the way.

Whatever the case, we haven't slept for days for fear an army of these will attack us and attach themselves to our spinal cords.

Fun Website Quote:
"Fits like a glove!"