What are you worth?

You know how occasionally you question your worth or value in someone's life?  And then you start seeing patterns... either they're good or they're bad but rarely are they conflicting. What do you do with conflicting ones?  Which do you believe? How do you know you're not getting played? How do you know if you're believing the right one? And what if, by going the path of least resistance, you make the wrong choice and can't undo it later? Or by choosing the harder path in the first place, you might wind up on the other path anyway and will have gone through a lot more heartache than you had to? But what if you go the hard way and it turns out to be a worthwhile decision? Do you forgo opportunity for the expense of difficulty? As a self-professed perfectionist, I can say that I so rarely give up that it makes me uncomfortable to do so unless I've given it my absolute best effort and know that there's literally a zero percent chance of succeeding.

There's an expression that I can't quite recall (someone please tell me!)  that essentially says you can die from a thousand small cuts, it doesn't have to be one big gaping wound that does you in. And there you have it. It's like systematically dismanteling something until it has only the basic parts required for it to operate, and it continues to give all its effort, exhausting itself until there's no more to give, and finally, one day it just gives up because it can't remember why it's trying anymore.

I actually had a really great day today (despite my somber tone) and am looking forward to tonight (date with new person who seems so blessedly NORMAL!). I'm really trying to maintain a happy frame of mind, despite a little setback today. It should mean nothing but it did and until I've just gotton over it then I am going to be hurt and angry (but not during my date, I doubt he'd enjoy it). My stomach is actually roiling now, it just kinda hit me out of the blue. I shouldn't get physically nauseous over it. I feel stupid because I couldn't control my own reaction, ESPECIALLY because it's a little thing. I don't even feel like talking about it, I think I just need to simmer down and let myself regain a measure of calm. Somebody told me to sack the fuck up and I'm trying. Maybe that goes double.  Two steps forward and one step back has reversed itself to one step forward and two steps back. Problem is, I keep seeing forward. Maybe I should shut my eyes.

Honestly what I really WANT to do is rant and rave, say all sorts of unkind things (whether they're true or not doesn't matter, I just want to say them) and scream for a moment. (I never scream-- this has been building up.) I want to point out the thousand different things that have been crap to deal with, and then point out the other thousand good things that make all this shit worth it.  I want to say things that I'm sure will get my teeth knocked straight down the back of my throat but probably need to be heard. I also know that by doing any of those things I won't be helping. I'm trying to be a positive prescence in people's lives, not the other way around. It's just a lot harder than I thought. I care way more than I ever should have and it hurts knowing that I can't expect anything back, so I guess here's where I sack up more.

BTW, you can expect a retraction and or apology in a future blog in maybe 3-5 days, once I've cooled down a bit and seen things more rationally.

Any of you who feel like putting any comments that are gonna make it worse (i.e. tell me to quit whining) can shove it. I already know I need to quit whining, but it's my blog and I can whine if I want to. (There's my petulant teenager attitude coming out for a moment, but I don't feel like apologizing.) It's better than drinking myself stupid, which I do not intend to do, especially over this.

Ok, putting on happy face (still looks like a grimace, but by 6:00 I should be able to crack my face into an actual smile) and now I'm going to go get pretty. Curse the rain for making my hair all frizzy and unmanageable. Let's hope a winning smile, semi-intelligent conversation and pretty eyes will overshadow my other less attractive attributes.

Oh, joke of the day from my student: (remember I teach orchestra- it's like nerd city in there)- A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. He asks the bartender how much? He says, "For you? No charge."