This is why I'm bad luck

I had a bit of a shocker last night- Matt and I got to talking and I thought it was a good time to go ahead, nut up and actually admit my feelings for him. I was dismayed, to put it easily, when I got the opposite response from what I was hoping to hear. Recoiling in shock is not what I was expecting, but he recovered quickly. So apparently I'm not good enough to love, but good enough to have some fun times with. Actually, to be more accurate he said that he has no idea what his problem is but I'm exactly what he's looking for, minus feeling passionate about me. It was really crushing to hear that. I had actually resisted feeling too deeply for him and finally realized that resistance is futile. So now we're stuck: we agreed that neither of us is ready to just give it all up and move on. I suggested we give it some more time and see it through, one result or the other. He said that's a good idea. He feels that he's not more attached, and I feel rotten that I can't do a thing about it and now there's this gap. I wish I'd never opened my stupid big mouth. I'm bad luck, I always have been, and the hell of it is, this is the best (healthiest) relationship I've been in for many years. Vancouver was fabulous, but terminally toxic and fated so from the beginning. My ex husband is a complete dickball, and I spent more years in that relationship out of love rather than in it. Or people I meet are nice to my face, but are gargantuan liars and ruin my trust in people. I'm not embittered, suspicious, and edgy by nature but I've come to exude those qualities I think. Anyway, we decided it's worth it to both of us to continue spending time together and just be happy, but we can't do it indefinitely if he's ultimately looking for more. I can say positively that the three times I've truly been in love, each time has been unique from the other. With my ex it was a happy go lucky, let's play house together type of love. With Vancouver, it was an all consuming, passionate, exhilarating love that lifted me off my feet daily. With Matt it's a quiet, comfortable love that I am perfectly happy with, even if it doesn't have the zing I had hoped for. He's respectful, courteous, sexy, charming, has a wonderful family, intelligent, and we really do have a wonderful time together. I feel very secure with him. We made a verbal list of all the wonderful things we share and it turns out to be quite a lot, so that's why I voted in favor of giving it some more time and thought. Of course I called my best friend in Italy today, had a good cry and told her all about it. She says that I better not accept less than I'm worth. She says my problem is that I've always sold myself short and I'd better not be doing it now, lest she hop on a plane and beat some sense into me. I don't think I am, because I believe in the chance. She said that unles he does, it's pointless. He specifically said he's not ready to give it all up yet, so that translates to me as having a chance. He's been nothing but wonderful, even in talking all this through. I can't believe that there's no hope here. I suppose we'll find out. We didn't put an expiration date on the table, but my gut feeling is he's going to suggest a break sooner rather than later. Maybe some space will be good, for me to gain some perspective and regain a little confidence, and for him to realize he either made the right choice and moves on, or made the wrong one and wants back in. I don't know where I'll be at that point, but if I'm available I would give it another shot. For now, I'll just go about business as usual and enjoy the easy companionship we've shared. His family is having a get together tomorrow and he still wants me to come to it. A man who's about to walk doesn't take a woman to a family thing does he?

In other news, my phone is back, minus the Wifi and mute capability. It works fine, other than that. I'm excited about Apple's new release in the fall. My contract is up next summer so I'll get the new iPhone4GS or iPhone5, whatever they're releasing it as. I just hope I can deal with my current phone a whole 'nuther year.

I've been playing batman Arkham Asylum... love that game! Maybe I'll go drown my sorrows in chucking batarangs and enemies for awhile.