Casting the reality TV mold

VH1 hit the jackpot a couple years ago with Flavor of Love, the "reality" dating game show featuring the lovably eccentric former rapper in his sixteenth minute of fame, Flavor Flav. The ratings were so high for that show, Flav's management and VH1 fired his new girlfriend and did it all over again for a second season. And since the second season's ratings broke records for the network, every time you turn to VH1 there is another reality dating show - I Love New York and its forthcoming sequel, and of course we can't forget Rock of Love (giving yet another washed-up 80's musical icon-turned Viacom employee, Bret Michaels, his sixteenth minute).

I should be ashamed to know all this, but my wife is hooked on every of these shows. But I digress - back to Flavor of Love. The Season 2 winner also mysteriously disappeared so they are casting for a third season. That's right, another two dozen "ladies" will have the chance to vie for Flav's heart and possibly even the motherhood of his 28th-or-so child. Ladies of 2old2play, I know what you're thinking - you want in! Well, not so fast. Every one of these new reality dating shows is exactly the same, and you need to fit a particular mold to have a chance at winning or even appearing on the show.

"The Winner" - Obviously has to be attractive and with a great personality. But around 3/4 of the way through the season, the predetermined winner needs to show how hard-headed he or she is. Stand your ground! Threaten to walk out the door and off the show, only to send the bachelor(ette) chasing after you in tears to confess how much (s)he loves you and wants you to stay.

"The Runner-up" (A.K.A. "The Villain") - Self-absorbed, manipulative, confrontational, and from the proverbial wrong side of the tracks. If you are going to come in second place, you need to make enemies from the very first episode (this is sometimes achieved through violence). It's important that the bachelor or bachelorette suspects half way through the season that you are the reason for the drama and fighting, and that nobody else likes you, but there's something about you - your time is not up just yet.

"The Sensitive Contestant" - Usually the person who is the most affected by the drama caused by the villain of the house. if you're the sensitive type, you won't be eliminated until almost the very end of the season, but not until you're been cursed at, crapped on, and broken down in tears. At your elimination, you will most likely be told "We had something special and I really like you, but I don't think you can hang with my rebellious and raucous lifestyle."

"The Fat Dude/Chick" - If you're polite, pleasant, easy-going, you get along with everybody, and perhaps had a few too many happy meals as a child, you may qualify to be the one overweight contestant in the house. Unfortunately, you won't make it more than halfway through the season, but the bachelor(ette) will tell you how you mean much more to him or her as a friend than as a prospective love interest. You will also be the first person brought on stage at the reunion show.

"The Knockout" - You're way more attractive than the winner but you have some skeletons in your closet. Maybe you're still in love with your ex. Maybe you're a former porn star (check the "Not Safe For Work" forum for my post on that contestant). Maybe you have an alterior motive - you're an aspiring actor/model/singer. You may get pretty far in the show but it's in your contract that you will be eliminated from the show after the truth is discovered.

And, finally, my favorite contestant: "The First-Round Elimination" - There are always a handful of people thrown in just for comic relief and to make the other contestants look good by comparison. The one tell-tale sign that you won't get past the first round is that viewers will ask "How in the name of Sumner Redstone did this guy/girl get onto the show?" Perhaps you have a horrible sense of fashion or humor. Maybe you attended Princeton. Or you may have taken a shit on the floor right in front of the cameras. Regardless, you don't need to be there, the producers know it, the viewers know it, and you don't have a chance at seeing what happens next week.

If you're not one of these characters, you don't have a shot at being on VH1. But don't worry. Even the winner of the next season will get hit by a train or something so that casting can eventually start for the fourth season.