I don't remember ordering the big bowl of dick

Three years ago, when my son was still an infant, he projectile-shat liquid baby dookie all over me at 4 in the morning when I was only wearing boxers. Today was a worse day.

I travel extensively across New England for work. Today I started my normal business travels on the way to meet with a prospective client. This particular client (a business) is a partnership of two multi-billion dollar companies that you east-coasters definitely have used at some point in the past. In sales terms, a deal this lucrative is called a whale.

So I'm heading south toward Boston, about 30 miles from my office and 15 miles north of Boston when my car's dashboard flashes the battery light and says "BATTERY VOLTAGE LOW." Over the next three minutes, my dashboard lit up with warning lights for my ABS, traction control, airbag, and "Service Engine Soon". The read-out said "SERVICE CHARGING SYSTEM" a few moments before cruise control kicked off. I couldn't accelerate and the dash went dim. I thought I could throw a battery in and complete the day but clearly the alternator was fucked.

I pulled over and called my office. They hooked me up with the names and numbers of a few local towing companies so I called one and waited for 40 minutes. The Massachusetts state police showed up but left when I said everything is under control. The car was towed to a repair shop and they brought it in.

The shop had to pull the old alternator out before they could figure out how much the new one was going to cost. I still had to meet with the whale and we're losing time. The president of my company said they would expense a rental car to get down to my meeting, so the repair shop owner called Enterprise who picked me up 5 minutes later.

I got there just barely on time and it went well. Drove back to Enterprise and then to the repair shop, and saw my Cadillac sitting outside the garage. The bill (including the $55 towing charge that was billed to the shop):

$506.00.

New alternator and serpentine belt plus Massachusetts sales tax. Hey, at least they didn't charge me to replace the dead tail lights.